To You

"Big hearts have a lot to say but usually express themselves in 'I love you's"

Hey, it's okay. I love you. What kind of a friend am I to make you feel that way? You know something, as soon as I get my life together and I actually know what I'm talking about, then you can feel bad about what I said. As far as I'm concerned the fact that you have stayed my friend this long is proof enough that you deserve my respect. So there you go. I freaking love you so much, and Merry Christmas.

- Ardon

Crystal Clear

I remember the days when I reached out to you with my hand and then your fingers would intertwine with mine, and I remember thinking "Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe I can be happy."

I remember the first day I saw you and I thought "Wow, she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen." I remember saying to myself "No way, not in a million years." Then in a matter of days I was saying "Has it been a million years already?" 

I remember all the walks we took in the park because that was kind of our thing. I remember small kisses on the cheek.

I remember sitting on the computer with an empty blog post in front of me and filling it with feelings and expressions because you made me. Not directly of course, but you caused all of it.

I remember the day you said "I miss you," and I said to myself "Is this real life?"

I remember the day on the subway I wrote you that letter. 

I remember the days and weeks where I tried. I really did. I'm not mad but sad. I'm sad that it fell off. 

I remember you asking me "Where did you go?" And the only thought that was present in my mind was "This is all my fault and I miss you."

I remember wanting to talk but you were too busy.

I remember working up the courage to write this post.

I still remember all the feelings and memories you gave me.

I remember wanting it back.

I still do. 

Stream of Consciousness

Well, I hope you're ready for this. This stream of consciousness is for the brave only. Cause it's super long.

I wish I meant as much to someone as he does to her.

I wish I meant as much to someone as she does to him.

I wish I meant something.

Sometimes you just need a hug.

Sometimes you're alone for too long on a Saturday and you just wonder "What the hell am I doing?"

And then you say "Nothing"

Then you proceed to drown yourself in goldfish, YouTube and Netflix and it kind of stops... But it doesn't.

That feeling that the reason nobody texts you is because nobody likes you.

The reason nobody stays on the phone with you until 1 in the morning is because it doesn't actually matter how you feel.

The reason your family didn't take you shopping is because they don't like you.

The reason that it was absolutely silent at Thanksgiving is because your family is broken anyway.

The reason you sit there and say "Why don't girls think I'm attractive" and you know it's because of the damn goldfish, YouTube and Netflix.

People say you're wrong.

They say you're too harsh on yourself.

They say "Hey get over it."

They say "I'm here for you."

Or maybe they just don't say anything at all.

Well, here we are, and it is yet another day where I write a blog post that shows all my feelings.

Then my friends will read it, and they won't bring it up because it's weird to see an 18 year old walking down the hall and knowing that he isn't happy, so they just don't say anything.

"I want a person that's like this"

"How about me?"

"We're just too good of friends"

(Too damn relatable)

Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot. When people actually say that, they mean they want the PERSON THEY ALREADY LIKE TO BE LIKE THAT. Because too many people are too shallow to not like the person that everyone likes.

#HighSchool

Current status: 4 Ebolas. 

Not as bad as I was when I was first asked that question, but 4 Ebolas is too damn much. 

I am Ebola.

Here's the thing, I love all of you, but I also hate all of you. 

The funny thing is, is that you'll read that sentence, and the only part of that sentence that actually meant anything to you was the hate part. WTF. Look at the bright side.

I guess I'm one to talk.

So many beautiful people in the world wasting their time being the opposite.

Stop being a shitty person. 

I need to stop being a shitty person.

I apologize for being a shitty person.

We all need to. 

Hormones suck.

I really thought everything, at least from my point of view, would change when I turned 18. Well, life likes to bite us in the ass with "PSYCH"

Life's a bitch.

Recording music is fun.

"The Prince of Egypt" is so good.

This blog post is the opposite.

If you have literally made it this far, I take back everything I said about people being shallow and shitty.

Well, what I mean is, you're not shallow and shitty.

I love you.

I really do.

Love is so damn beautiful.

The end of "How I Met Your Mother" pissed me off.

But I love love so much.

Sincerely,

The boy who has absolutely no idea why this is on his blog.

Aromas

I decided to wake up at 5:45 in the morning today. Simply because my friends proposed that we go to a coffee shop early in the morning so we could be awake before we tackle the day and also do some homework. The way my school year is this year, I don't really have any homework, but they're some of my best friends, so I'll wake up for them.

Well. Here I am.

"Be there at 6:30!"

"Okay, I'll be there!"

It's 6:41. Now, I didn't write this post to very indirectly get angry at my friends. I think that's stupid to do. But it was interesting because when I walked in, I seemed to be the only one at the coffee shop. There was easygoing music playing in the background, it was definitely more warm on the inside than on the outside of this shop. I stood for a second kind of baffled by the fact that I was the only person I knew that was around. The sound of coffee beans grinded and I heard microwaves going off.

Was this the beginning to a really hipster horror movie? Maybe so. It'd be called something like "Pumpkin Dead Latte" *insert forced laughter here because that actually wasn't funny*

Luckily, something broke my paralyzation. A worker walked in from around the corner wiping his hands with a rag and he said "Hey there!" and I responded with a quiet little "Hey." and he replied enthusiastically with "What can I get for you?" And I just simply told him "Oh, I'm just waiting for some friends. I'll get something when they get here." "No problem, you have a nice day!"

It's kind of funny, isn't it? How scarce nice days are. Most of the time I see my friends, they're all either tired or depressed or lonely or something of that sort and I get to sit there and say "I'm sorry." If that worker actually had the power to give me a good day, I'm sure he would. If I had the power to give all my friends nice days, I believe I really would do that for them. I think that if anyone had that kind of power, they'd make everyone have good days. There's a part of all of us that just wants everyone to be happy.

And I guess all of us can make people happy. We can do it by making dumb hipster horror movie jokes, or by running and falling in the middle of your sentence to cheer someone up. Offering a hand, a hug, a kiss, offering the rest of your life to someone are things we all have the power to do.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that nice days aren't the best days. They're really good and better than most days, but they're not amazing. It's not that hard to have a day be nice.

So, reader, I challenge you! You could be having a really rough day today, and I get that. Life happens and gets in the way of being happy. I get it.

But I challenge you to make someone's day nice.

Do it. Then see what happens.

Here's Another Post About You

I'm not lying when I tell you you're beautiful.

I'm not lying when I say I love you.

I'm not trying to pull your leg or be a dick.

I mean it all from the bottom of my soul.

Because whether you realize it or not, you mean a lot more to me than you think.

And if that's not enough, it's fine.

But I love you.

You can put a smile on my face without fail. 

I've hardly ever resented you for anything, which is hard to do because I resent some of what my friends do.

You might hurt me but I hurt you just as much.

I know at the end of the day you care about me.

I need you in my life.

You're one of my best friends and I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon.

Happy Birthday To Me

"What do you want for your birthday?"

I don't know. I've been too busy for the last 18 years hearing everyone not caring about my birthday because it's the day before Halloween. I guess in turn, I've joined the crowd and stopped caring about my birthday.

There's gonna be a huge Halloween party on my birthday that I planned because I just didn't care anymore.

I guess to answer the question, I'll make a list.

Things I want for my birthday:

1. A girlfriend

2. Less depression

3. The golden rule to be more of a thing

4. My friends to be happy

5. My friends to be happy

6. My friends to be happy

7. My friends to be happy

8. My friends to be happy

9. My friends to be happy

10. My friends to be happy

Who Are You Really?

"I think you could fall in love with anyone really. All you have to do is watch them when you're alone."

Being alone isn't exactly one of my strong suits. I don't like doing it, but sometimes I'm "forced" to, you know? 

I don't necessarily know if anyone would fall in love with me if they saw what I do alone. I don't do anything bad, it's just... Me. I sit around my house and play Skyrim, eat food, and sing musical theater tunes. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I take a shower just cause. I know for a fact that I talk to my self A LOT. That might scare people away.

The thing that I think makes this quote beautiful is the fact that if you watch someone without them knowing (without being a creep), you're seeing them at their most human state. With nobody to impress or talk to, that's who they are. I know myself well enough to the point that I know who I am when I'm alone.

I know that I don't like being alone at all. But I look at being alone as a blessing in disguise. I might not like it, but it's a time when I can truly be myself and anything that I want to happen can pretty much happen. Of course, then I proceed to invite friends to share in the feelings I feel when I'm alone.

Maybe I'm always alone, and I actively let people observe me. Who knows?

The question I want to know is, "Who are you?"

My Little Lea

Hi, my name is Ardon Smith. And if you know me, or even if you've read my blog, one of the things you know about me is that when I become a father I want to have a girl. My wife could tell me she wants to have a million kids (please no) and if that's what she wanted she would have my consent and every right to name all of them and do whatever, but I want to  have the privilege to name our first girl. Whether she's the oldest, the middle, or comes last, the one thing I want to ask of my wife is to be able to name our girl. And I want her name to be Lea Marie Smith.

A lot of people ask me why I want a girl so bad. And it's not because I have the perfect name or because I'm in theater and I hang around girls all the time or because I don't have a brother and I grew up in a house filled with girls. It's not that.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time I hold her I'll know that she'll be one of the most important girls in my life forever.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time she gets a nightmare, she can sleep right next to her daddy and feel safe in my arms.

I want to have a little girl so that whenever I come home, she can get a big smile on her face and say "Daddy's home!"

I want to have a little girl so that when she falls and scrapes her knee, she can come to daddy knowing that he'll make everything okay.

I want to have a little girl so that on the first day of kindergarten I can hold her hand and walk her to school. 

I want to have a little girl so that when she asks me "Am I a princess?" I can say "Yes, you're a princess." 

I want to have a little girl so that when gets old enough to go to middle school, she'll start to put on make up and I'll tell her "You don't need that." And she'll shrug me off and apply it anyway, but she'll know I meant it with all of my heart.

I want to have a little girl so that when she talks to her mom about boys I can get a headache.

I want to have a little girl so that when she brings her boyfriend to the house I can get sick to my stomach and really nervous. 

I want to have a little girl so we can get into fights over nothing and then cry and hug it out later.

I want to have a little girl so her mom can hate me for secretly spoiling our daughter behind her back.

I want to have a little girl so that when she is about to leave the house for Prom I can think "They grow up so fast."

I want to have a little girl so that when she leaves the house, I can hug her and pretend that I won't cry the whole time but as soon as she leaves, my wife will have to buy me 10 boxes of tissues.

I want to have a little girl so that when she graduates college I can say "That's my daughter."

I want to have a little girl because when she gets married, she'll be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I want to have a little girl so that when she has a little girl, she'll know what it's like to love someone that much.

I want to have a little girl because she'll always be my little girl. 

Worry-Sick

"I'm just worried about a lot of things."

"I feel like that's why you're sick. Because you're worried. You're worry-sick." 

Worry-sick.

That's the first time I ever heard that concoction of words. And I feel like it's true. I am worried sick and I'm sick because I'm worried and I'm worried because I'm sick. What the hell is this?

"You are honestly one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you don't deserve this because your life SUCKS. And it's not fair."

Not the first time I heard that concoction of words, but it IS the first time I had ever heard it and realized the truth behind it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also the world is probably the most messed up place I ever saw. And if you don't think so you're either blind or just naive. 

We LITERALLY all live on the same goddamn planet and we're killing each other. We're beheading people as a scare tactic for RANSOM MONEY. What the actual hell are we doing to the human race? We all live on Earth! Are we really that different or spiteful or angry that we have to kill each other?

Not only do we live on the same planet, but I'm in the United States, and we all live in the same country and people are KILLING EACH OTHER. You want to know what some people get killed for? The color of their GODDAMN SHIRT.

I don't think humans realize that we're doing this to people. I think we're all guilty of just going through the motions every day and not really thinking about us as a whole. 

I tell people this: I love certain individual people, but as a whole human race? I absolutely despise people. Call me a pessimist, call me a jerk, call me the cloud that rains on your parade, call me whatever you want, I could care less. If you don't like this post because you subconsciously like to be blind to the truth, then I'm sorry I was the one to tell you. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's another thing people don't realize; All of our lives are hard. Like really freaking hard. But humans don't realize it. They never do. Nobody is human enough to realize that other people's problems are THEIR PROBLEMS. I don't care if their parents are going through a divorce or if their parents won't get them the iPhone 6. 

IT. DOESN'T. MATTER.

At the end of the day it's their problem and it's hard for THEM. Maybe we all aren't even human. Maybe we're all biologically humans but inside we're so messed up and twisted and turned in every direction that maybe we don't care about other people any more.

Maybe the definition of being human now is that we aren't human anymore.

Yesterday Rocked My World

I've never felt so terrible and conflicted in my life. 

I just don't know what to do.

I had a very long conversation with one of my best friends last night and I was crying and all this stuff. She asked me "What do you always tell me?" I waited quietly and patiently for an answer. After a few moments of silence she said "Do what makes YOU happy."

And I agree. I really do. I just don't know what will make me happier. I have to make a choice and it's one or the other. 

Life likes to play games with people and it doesn't hold back anything. It will take anything you thought you knew, prove you wrong, and then throw it back in your face with as much force as possible. 

I told my friend over and over again "This is so hard." 

And she said "I know. But whatever choice you make, you can't lose." 

I guess that's a little but of optimism I can have while holding two different peoples' feelings in my hands. 

I guess I'll let you know what happens.

-Ardon

The White Crayon Can Do So Much More

We all have the colors of our skin. You know, white, black, red, yellow, all those things. (You can hate me if you think me saying all that was racist.)

It's kind of like a box of crayons. 

We all have our colors and when people draw with green, green comes out. Same with purple, orange, blue, etc. 

We all are like crayons, but just a little different.

Well, a lot of different.

Imagine all the crayons are people, and you use them to draw. For example, take me. I'm probably a white crayon. PROBABLY. 

Let's say you take me (white crayon) to draw. Except when the paper meets my body, white doesn't come out. Maybe blue comes out. Or yellow, red, purple, green, aquamarine, etc etc etc. 

ALL THESE COLORS CAN COME OUT, AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

Because people are almost never what they seem to be. I mean, they totally could be. But sometimes they're not. And that's what's beautiful about people. 

So we're all in a crayon box. Population 7 billion crayons. We can all view the white crayons the same, or we can simply put them to a page, to see what comes out.

Yep

Sometimes you get to be happy.

Sometimes you get to be sad.

Sometimes you just have to get over it.

There You Have It

Well there you have it. Those are all the death letters I could really muster. To be honest, I didn't think I was going to get the response I did. Really. Anyways, thanks for reading my death letters and for being great friends. All of you mean so much to me, and as you can see in the posts before this one, I love you all.

Here's the thing, if I didn't write a death letter to you and you feel shafted, please don't take it offensively because it's not meant to offend anyone. If you're important to me in my life, you should know that already. And if it does make you upset, I'll try to make it up to you somehow.

Anyways, now I can go back to my regular blogging self.

Thanks,

-Ardon

Chloe and Ashley

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today.

Dear Chloe Pentelute,

Hey there. We haven't talked in a while and that makes me a little sad. You know, I just want to thank you. I mean, I'm dying right now and I never thought I would have a romantic interest or have someone love me the way you do before I died. I know that you were always busy, and I don't blame you. Your life is important. All I really want is for you to continue a happy life. You trusted me with things that I know you don't trust many people with and for that, I am so grateful. And I want you to know that I was always here for you and I always loved you. It's funny, because I remember the moment I first saw you and I thought "WOW. She's really pretty! For a fourteen year old." Then I found out you were sixteen, I felt like an idiot, and then I decided to get over myself and the rest just happened. I know dating and boys were never a big thing for you, thus I wasn't ever the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life. Which I don't blame you for. And I can't say that you were the most important thing in my life either. But I can say that you were definitely one of the most influential and IMPORTANT parts of my life and I'm so glad I got to know you the way I did. You mean so much to me. The only regret I have is that we didn't get to keep going. I love you so so so so much.

Love,

-Ardon


My Dearest Ashley Fredde,

Hey. This is kind of the worst thing in the world. You know. The whole dying thing. I decided to write to you last because you were the only person that I meant as much to you as you did to me. To be fair, a lot of people would say "No, Ardon, you meant so much to me." But those people are either lying or again, they meant a lot more to me than I did to them. And that's all right. Because I had you, and you were all I needed. Do you remember all the way back when you were in 8th grade and I was in 9th? Man, time flies. I remember being in Drama 2 with you and just having a ball. I mean, we didn't actually talk much during then, but it's still a memory I associate with our friendship. The thing I love is that we really started to get to know each other in the Creative Writing class at Timberline. I mean, not only did we get to know each other through our writings that we shared with each other and with the class, but with just being friends and getting to know each other. We've gone through so much. I remember when I was so dumb and I wrote a totally ratchet and off-key song just to tell you how much I loved you. I thought "Wow. This is the pinnacle of loving someone. I'll never love Ashley more than this." Not to say I only loved you a certain amount, but I just thought I wasn't capable of it. The funny thing with love is that it's made up of a bunch of other words. Like "caring", "faith", "honestly", "trust", and "communication".  I learned everything that contributes to love through loving you. You. YOU. You changed me and helped mold me to become a person that I only ever dreamed of becoming. But through loving you I know dreams can become reality and anything is possible. The moment you texted me and asked me if you could come see me at my school and you ran into my arms was the moment I knew that you were truly my best friend (not that I had any doubts before). You want to know something I love? The fact that you said "you're my soul mate". The thing is, if anybody else had said that to me, I'd be like "Why are you in love with me? You're a creep. Get away." But when you said it it just felt right. Obviously you weren't in love to me, and people who are reading this post will be like "That's weird." But the thing was is that it wasn't! And THAT'S what I love about it! It never mattered about romance or attraction or social standing or anything like that! All we did was act like two human beings and we got to know each other for who we really were. I never thought I'd trust someone like I trust you and I never thought I would have a friend as long as I have had you as a friend. Like HOLY CRAP we've been friends a long time! At least, for high school students. You know I"ve had friends who have left me and I know that you've had friends that left you. But I never left you and you never left me. Ashley, you're my best friend and I only wish the best for you. I want yo uto know that I'll be at your wedding and HE BETTER BE PERFECT. Because that's what you deserve. Nothing in this world matters to me more than your happiness. Hell, it's the reason I get up every morning. It's the reason I'm writing you this letter. It's the reason I'm still alive even though people gave me the worst shit of my life and told me that my problems "didn't matter" and they called me a fag in front of a whole class and they called me fat, and stupid, and untalented BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER TO YOU. You always told me that my problems mattered. And that I wasn't fat and stupid. And that I WAS talented. I only ever had that kind of support from one other person, my Grandfather. You know the whole story, he passed and I was lost. I remember you being there. And I also remember Hailey Brooks being there for me. And I remember telling you that I was sad because my grandpa "wouldn't see me graduate or get married or be in a show." But you told me "Yes he will. He will always be there with you. Always." And I want to let you know that I'm always going to be with you. No matter where life takes you, I. Am. There. Always. Nobody has ever treated me as well as you have in this life, so I want to make sure that you always have at least one person who loves you with everything they are. And that one person is me. Ashley Fredde, I love you. With everything I am. Keep me as a good memory and know that I will love you forever. See you on the other side, soul mate.

With all the love in the world,

-Ardon

Dom and Trevor

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today.

Dear Dominic Zapalla,

Hey there my friend. I'm really bummed that I haven't really been able to see you at all much since school ended. You know, it's funny, have you ever met someone that you really looked up to and once you meet them/get to know them, you respect them less? I absolutely love that I didn't ever feel that with you. I remember being this puny little sophomore and seeing you perform and just being like "Wow he's really really good!" and I never lost that after I met you AND get to know you. If anything, I just came to admire and you respect you SO much more after I got to know you. And the thing is, I don't want to be done getting to know you. It's really awesome when I talk to people about you because this is what I say: "You know, it's going to be so awesome when ten years down the road, Dom is probably going to be famous in a TV show or in a movie or on Broadway or SOMETHING, and I can have the privilege to say 'I went to school with that kid, and we were actually pretty tight'." Dom, I remember the time where you, me, and Hailey were all in the auditorium at LP and you were just jamming out on the piano and you played that Format song and, for some reason, you decided to look at me the whole time and right then and there is when I knew that you are the most amazing and passionate person I've ever met. When you play music or sing, I see and feel the passion that you bring to your craft and it's unlike anything I've ever seen in anyone else. I hope that life treats you well and I only want good things to come to you because I know that you deserve that so so so much. Just remember the little people when we all are gone from your life.

Your friend,

-Ardon


Dear Trevor Elzey,

My goodness, I don't think you know this, but you'll be one of the people I'll miss the most. I have so many fond memories that I've shared with you and I'm just glad that I had that opportunity to really be your friend. You have no idea how much it meant to me when you said that I was one of your best friends, because that was one of the things that I never really thought I would ever achieve. I know that I haven't personally always been the best friend to you and I really am sorry if I ever made you feel unloved or unappreciated or just crappy in general because that's not what friends should do. And that's my fault. And I'm sorry. But like I said, I have a lot of good memories with you. I will never ever forget Comic-Con because that was one of the best experiences of my life. I loved standing next to you and having Karen Gillan look and giggle at us. Also, can I just say that you are single-handedly one of the most talented people I've ever known. I know you don't think this in the slightest, but you as Marius made me so happy! Your "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables" is my favorite part of that whole show because of YOU. I wouldn't have had your performance any other way because you nailed that character to the wall. Also I'm still crying because of your "Run Away With Me" because it was SO GOOD. I honestly love you so much and I just wish we had just talked more, just you and me, you know? I regret every day that I never got to do that. I admire you so much and it makes me sad to leave you. You're a great friend and I want you to remember that.

Your Friend,

-Ardon

Kelsea and Andralee

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Kelsea Kocherans,

I'm already like sobbing, what is this? Anyways, I can't imagine my life without you. Pretty soon you'll have to love life without me. And that's fine, because I know you'll make it. You want to know what I love about our friendship? The fact that we both have broken down in front of each other and cried so hard. Usually guy/girl friendships don't go like that. At all. So look at us being all special! You know, there's seven billion people on the earth right now. And I've met a couple thousand all together. If there was anyone, and I mean ANYONE that I thought could make it in this world, it was you. I knew from the moment you performed in front of me for the first time (Drama 3, wow) that you could do whatever you wanted and be PERFECT at it. I personally think you should continue to be an actress because you have it all! You are an amazing singer, your dancing is flawless and your acting is phenomenal! Not to mention you look like very lead girl role ever. The thing is Kelsea, I believe in you. And I think that's fair because for most of the time we've known each other, you were the only one that I knew believed in me. And that honestly means the world to me that someone as amazing as you believed in me. We've been through so much together in the relatively short time we've been friends. And not to say that I want more bad things to happen, but I wish we had the opportunity to go through more together. Because at the end of the day, you were one of the only people that could REALLY get me through a hard time. And I love you so so so much. Don't ever forget that I love you.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Andralee Allen,

Hello. I don't want to leave you. The thing is, we're not together all the time, but I always feel for you. As we both know, we're the same person but I think we're connected deeper than just that. I would to be surprised if all of my bad days were your bad days too even if we didn't talk or see each other that day. Also, can we talk about how you are always there for other people but it seems like nobody is there for you. I know it doesn't mean much any more because I'll be gone soon, but I've always been here. You know I would listen and do anything to make you feel better. Because you would always listen to me. The trippy thing was that whenever you would try to make me feel better, it was always in the same way I make people feel better and it worked! You're really good at what you do and please don't stop being who you are because if you stopped then I couldn't die happy. Sweethearts has been, by far, my favorite dance I've been to. Not to say that any of the other dances I've been to haven't been amazing, but that one was so special. And to be honest, I didn't think it would be. Andralee, you just have to remember at the end of the day, you meant something to me and if you can remember that, then I'm happy. I'm good. Don't stop being who you are. Because I love you and I think you should love you too.

Love,

-Ardon

Jaiden and Megan

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Jaiden,

You know when they say "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Unfortunately, that's what I think whenever you come up in my brain. I've never met someone who had such a clear view on the world and how real it is. You showed me that people shouldn't be treated how you want to be treated, they should be treated the way THEY deserve to be treated. Whether that was good or bad is up to how they act. It's such a beautiful way to go about things and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it came from such a beautiful girl. Inside and out. I remember when I had a crush on you and I was devastated that we weren't a thing. Huh. It all seems so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Of course I'm sad I never got the chance to call myself your boyfriend, but at the end of the day I should honestly just be grateful for the chances I did get to interact with you. Whether it was romantic or not. And look at us now! Good friends and despite that little thing that happened we still manage to say to each other "I love you." And that honestly makes me happier than you can imagine. You go on and on about how amazing I am but I don't think that many people get to tell you how amazing YOU are so allow me. Jaiden, you are amazing because you are unlike anybody that anyone has ever met. You're drop-dead gorgeous, you're nice, you're funny, you're silly, you watch good tv shows, you play guitar hero, you aren't afraid to share your feelings, you're direct, you're an AMAZING dancer, and your hugs are out of this world. I hope that's enough for you to finally start believing me. I don't need you to believe you're this high and mighty amazing person (because then you'd get an ego and that's no fun), but what I do need is for you to be happy. No matter what it takes. I want the rest of your life only to bring you goodness and happiness and love. I love you.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Megan Vest,

Hello hello hello my beautiful friend. Can you believe that we only actually met in person at Cinderella 11 days ago?? You should be really honored that you made it on this list. Serious now though, you amaze me. First out, you have talent out the wazoo and I'm amazed that you even wanted to be friends with me. Furthermore, I'm shocked that YOU were intimidated to come up to ME at Seussical! Every time I talk to you or see you all I can think is "I just want to hug her." Because I feel like you deserve to be hugged all the time. Not trying to put words in your mouth, but I know you've been through a lot of stuff and all I want is to make you feel safe and beautiful all the time. Thus, the hug. You ever notice that when you hug someone, most of the time, your hearts are really close together? I'm not going to go off about how I'm in love with you, but I just want you to remember that when you go through the rest of your life hugging. Because it's so intimate and it's a beautiful thing to experience. A hug. Megan, I'm so close to tears right now and I don't know why. My goodness I just love you so much, okay? I just want you to remember that if there was anyone in this world that loved you, I was that person. You have so many people who DO love you though and it's such a beautiful thing to be loved. Don't lose that love or the people who do. You'll go through life and people will talk shit behind your back about how you're not pretty or you're not a good singer, or stuff like that. But at the end of the day the ONLY PEOPLE THAT MATTER are the people that love you and you love them back. And you matter to me. Anyways, I'm getting too emotional. I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon

Hailey and Jack

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

My Dearest Hailey Brooks,

This is one of the letters that will probably make me the most emotional/depressed I can be so just bear with me here. Hello Hailey Brooks. God, it seems like life just threw us together and then ripped us apart didn't it? I'm sad this summer wasn't like the other ones where all we would do is just sit at my house and watch Starkid musicals and eat all of my food. And then when we ran out of food, we would go to your house. You know that quote I love? "I wish you could know it was the good old days before you left them." Yeah that's pretty much the number one thing I feel with you. Also love, because I love you more than you can imagine. Hailey Brooks, I have to thank you for everything that you've done for me because I wouldn't know/love half the things I know/love if you weren't the person you were. I'm sorry I was that friend that was always late to the party about knowing certain things about certain TV shows or movies or video games. The (kind of creepy) thing is though, is that I loved hearing you talk. So it wasn't all bad for me that I didn't know anything. My only regret with you is how we grew apart. I didn't want it to happen, but I know that it made you happier. You found friends who were funnier, cuter, more exciting, and all around better people than me. I would have loved to come back together as friends but I'm dying right now and I don't know how much time I have left. So, I want to end with saying that you are one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. You're beautiful, smart, funny as hell, you have a great taste in music, your advice is amazing, you're honest, and you've been one of the best friends I've had in my entire life. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Jack Hoffer,

I don't even know where to start other than to say you're one of the most solid people I've known. You literally saved my life. Legitimately. You did. Do you remember that night? And the thing was YOU called ME. I left that night thinking "Why are me and Jack not better friends?" And as I sit here, dying, I am still asking myself that question. Nothing that could have ever happened in my life could replace all those amazing double dates we went on. Obviously, our dates were amazing, but I enjoyed them so much because I was doubling with you. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. Another thing, you always let me into your house and let me eat your food, which is amazing considering some people don't even let me see the kitchen. And for some reason, even though I was always hopeless, you always found it in your heart to be willing to help me with my singing. That meant the world to me because singing is my life. It will have been my life I guess. Jack, the thing is is that you influenced me so much and you're more important in my life than you realize and I'm so glad I took that Drama 3 class (which was hell) because that's where I met you and that's where we became friends. We went from two little sophomores that didn't even know each other to two full-grown seniors who were going to be side-by-side as Drama President and Drama Vice President. All I ask is that you remember the good times we had, and then I will be able to die happy.

Your friend,

-Ardon

Brynn and Haley

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Brynn Hallsted,

No no no no no no no why does it have to be like this? I didn't get to see you go to Utica! You were the first person who had ever invited me to a mission opening that I actually attended, and even though I'm not Mormon, I wanted to see you off. And I at least wanted to spend some more jam sessions with you and hear you sing "God Help The Outcasts". Hopefully God helps me right now. Brynn, from the moment we mutually decided to be friends, I didn't want either of us to leave. The funny thing was I thought you would be the one to leave. For a year and a half. Now I'm leaving forever and I just... I don't want to accept that. You always brightened my day and you were one of the only people that I encountered in my life that didn't give me a weird look when I cried in a movie like "Tarzan" Which, actually, you have no idea how much that day meant to me because I don't know if you do, but I hold that day so near to my heart and I wouldn't trade it for anything. The only regret I have is that I will miss you a lot more than I think I should. We spent such little time together and I wish it wasn't that way. Life is short. But I know you know that and I know you will make the most of your life. That's just who you are. And that's why I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Haley Hallsted,

You're such a beautiful person. And you make life beautiful for people around you. Pretty soon I won't have a life that will be graced with your beauty. I won't have a life to be made beautiful anymore. But I don't want you to lose that. I didn't think you would, but I'm just making sure. Your laugh honestly makes my life so much better and I wish you were around me always. You made my life so much better and I hope I did the same for you. I'm so sorry that we'll never get to sing on stage together because that was the part of the Disney Concert that I was looking forward to so much. Because you're a great friend and what performer doesn't want to sing on stage with a great friend? I'm sorry that I didn't come to all the things you invited me to, even though all I wanted was for people to invite me to things. And you were the person that knew me so well and you knew that I would appreciate it. And I did, but... I didn't. That's my regret with you. I didn't appreciate our friendship enough and that is something that I wish was different. I guess there's nothing we can do about it now. All I can do is tell you that I love you and I will miss you so much. I don't want to go and I hope you won't be too sad when I'm gone. The only thing I can think of to say is I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I just want you to he happy. If you can do that, I'll feel better about my life. The life that I had. I love you. Thank you.

Love,

-Ardon

Timmy and Em

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Timmy Ryan,

Timmy, you're the most solid bro I ever had. I've never ever had a friend like you. One who showed how much they cared all the time and you were pretty much one of the only guy friends I ever had who wasn't afraid to say "I love you." You were always there for me and you still are even though I would go through nasty depression ruts, you would always try to help me out of them and I know you would continue to do that. The only regret I have with our friendship is that it wasn't longer. I wanted to go to college together and have you be my best man at my wedding and just be in more shows with you. The thing I love about you is that no matter what I was saying, you always cared about the things that were coming out of my mouth even though sometimes it might have seemed like I didn't care about what you were saying. Which was never true by the way. To think that we grew SO close in such little time amazes me every day and not a day goes by that I don't appreciate our friendship to the fullest. If you were here i would hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Hopefully this letter is enough.

Your Friend,

-Ardon

My Dearest Em,

Hey. I'm gonna start writing this and I'll probably cry at some point. I'll let you know when that happens. Anyways, hello my beautiful friend! It sucks that I won't be able to see you. You were the only person that truly understood how much I love people. You told me "I don't think anyone loves me as much as you do." And I took that to heart and I was so touched and moved by your appeeciation for the love I have for you. You are single-handedly the person that improved my self-confidence. You know, it isn't up all the way, but it's getting there all thanks to you. I'm so happy that we've gone on so many dates and there were times where we both liked each other and we managed to still be friends. My regret with our relationship is that we never spent as much time with each other as we should have. I know for a fact that we both love being in each other's presence and that we'd do it all the time if we could. So I say that the next time you meet someone like that, spend all the time with them you can. I don't want to leave you, but death is funny like that. No matter what you want, it still comes. I love you so so so much and I'll miss you so much. Okay, now I'm crying. I just want you to be as happy as you can be, and you should allow yourself to be. Never ever let anything or anyone get in the way of that. And I will stand by this until my dying breath; you're one of the most beautiful girls I know. I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon

McKayla and Sheridan

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear McKayla Hansen,

Hi. I'm really sorry that we didn't get to know each other better. If I had known that I was going to love you the way I do now, I would have talked to you every day at Seussical. Also I so wish that I had known you before. The truth is that when I first saw you, I was SUPER intimidated to talk to you because you were so freaking pretty. You still are. You're freaking gorgeous. But anyways, I thought you were way too cool for school, thus, way too cool to talk to me. And I had kind of an instant crush on you, and that's still true to this day. Also your skills on the piano amaze me! You're so good! I just, on the spot, asked you to play Santa Fe and you did! Gosh you're amazing and I love you so much! It kinda sucks that I'm going to die today, but I don't want you to focus on it too much. Because YOURE GOING TO ITALY!! Granted, I won't be able to write you any letters, but you know I would have. I mean, I'm writing you one right now and it's pretty decent, right? Also, this is me professing to the world that I think you're attractive and that I pretty much have a crush on you and I'm in love with you, so.... Yeah. You're really one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you. But the time we did spend together was amazing. You remember when we were in the In N Out parking lot and I made you get on my back for a chicken fight? That was pretty freaking adorable of us. Also the time we watched Phantom at your house! That was one of the best times of my life just because I was spending it with you. I love you McKayla Hansen. Keep me as a happy memory. 

Love, 

-Ardon

Dear Sheridan Hansen,

Wow. I've gone through a lot with you and I've only known you since like... April? I don't know what it is but you and me just kind of clicked once we started talking to each other and I love that so much. And I love YOU. Please please please never forget that I LOVE YOU so much! You were never alone with me. I mean, I'm dying now, but I'm still going to always be here. I know that's a little religious and weird and sad, but I don't ever want to leave you. You're so great and you mean too much to me for dying to get in the way. I'm just sad that I won't be there to see you at your broadway debut because you know I would be there no matter what. I WOULD BE THERE IF I WAS DYING. Nothing in this world would make me happier than to see you accomplish your dream. AND YOU WILL. I just won't be there to see it. But if there's anything I want you to remember, it's that YOU control what happens to you. Nothing can stop you except for yourself. Take it from someone who took this to heart, and honestly, this helped me so much. If you want it enough, nothing or anyone is going to get in your way, so keep that dream and vision in mind always. Never stop working. And even if you get there, KEEP GOING. Sheridan, just remember that I believe in you and love you so much. I just wish I had gotten to know you more. One of the biggest regrets I have with you is how little I learned about you. I mean, I know you and I love you, but I wish I knew more. I wish we had late night phone calls and deep Facebook conversations because you're amazing. Who doesn't want to get to know an amazing person? I'll miss you.

Love,

-Ardon

It's Coming

Okay. This is a message to all people who read my blog... Considering you're even out there.

Pretty soon I'll be posting a series of posts that are very personal to me.

You see, I'm in New Jersey as I'm typing this right now and I looked around and I saw that I wasn't happy with my life and a very strange feeling popped into my head. 

"I wonder if anyone would care if I died."

I didn't feel like anyone would. 

So I proceeded to text one of my friends and he helped me feel a little better. He said "You have changed so many lives."

To be honest, I really don't believe him at all. But I started to realize something. Regardless of whether or not I thought I changed people's lives, I know for a fact that so many people have changed my life. 

So this series of posts are devoted to all the people that have changed my life. If I write a letter to you, that means you have changed my life and I love you. 

Also, I will be writing these as if they were my last words to you. As if I was to die today.

I won't try to be too depressing. 

Zero to Zero

Okay. I'll just be the first to say it.

I'm really freaking loud.

I guess living in a house with deaf parents for 17 years contributed to that.

Also because I'm an actor and in the first three years I did drama I was taught that projection was the most important thing. You know, being REALLY LOUD.

Therefore I am a loud person.

Unfortunately, that makes me a nuisance to a lot of people. Including my (deaf) parents. Apparently I can't do anything in my house that involves talking, singing, or acting because one of two things will happen:

1. My sisters will tell me to shut up and call me gay and tell me I'm not good at theater.

2. My (deaf) parents will tell me to be quiet because I'm too loud. They said "You're so loud I can hear you without a hearing aid on."

I guess I'm a miracle worker. PUT DEAF PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THEY CAN HEAR.

In all seriousness though, it really sucks.

I mean, this isn't the first time this has happened, but I kind if just got over it. Then I started to realize that "Wow. My family doesn't appreciate my 'talents' so I guess I shouldn't do that around my FAMILY. The people I LIVE with."

So the level of self-expression I'm allowed to have in my house is at a whopping ZERO. So I guess I'll never really be able to truly be myself around my family. Or maybe I will and they'll just ask me to leave. Every time.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my problems. It really means a lot. Sorry if this is petty. 

Love,

-Ardon

To My Future Wife

To my love,

Hi! 

You know, I'm 17 right now and the reason I'm writing you (now) is because I've been watching a lot of movies and TV shows where people are just in love and they tell all these things to their significant others, and I said "You know what, I feel like that too but I don't know who to share it with!"

Obviously I picked you since I will be married to you. I don't know who you are yet, but boy I'm a lucky one.

Let me just say that I love you with all of my heart. You're perfect in every way. 

I know that you know nobody is perfect. And I love how you always tell me you're not perfect even though to me, you're the most perfect person I've ever met. And that's why I love you. Because you know that I know. And I'm okay with knowing that. Just as long as YOU KNOW that I think you're perfect.

You know, I can't wait until after our wedding when we get to go to bed. 

Don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I have slept in a queen size bed my whole life, and you know what? It sucks to do that alone. I can't wait until the day where I get to sleep next to you and just know you're there. To be able to hold your hand or wrap my arms around your body. I can't wait until I know that as long as we both live, I'll never be alone.

I'm also way excited to have kids!

Again, don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I love the idea of creating a life and being able to raise a child as our own. I really hope it's a girl. I really do. Not to say that I wouldn't love a boy but I REALLY want to have a little baby girl.

I just have one favor to ask you though.

If and when we do have a little girl, I want to have the privilege to name her. Obviously I acknowledge that you are the one that has to carry the baby and eventually give birth. We can have 100 kids and you can name ALL of them. That's totally fine with me! I just ask that you allow me to name our first girl, and I want her name to be this:

Lea Marie Smith.

Lea because Lea Michele (don't judge, okay?), Marie because that name has been running in my family for years, and Smith because... Well... Yeah.

I vow to always sweep you off of your feet. Literally. Everyday. I give way good hugs and I will lift you off the ground, this, sweeping you off of your feet.

I vow to always listen. I have always prided myself on being there for other people, and I know that I love and care about you enough to say with 100% certainty that I will always be there for you to listen. Always. I don't care if it's something as petty as not being able to find a diaper. I want you to know that I am interested in your feelings and I will always want to listen.

I vow to always love you. I mean, I married YOU for a reason right? I hope you married me for the same reason. Whether or not we go through a divorce, fights, or anything else that may or may not affect our relationship, know that I love you with all of my heart and I will love you every day that you walk on the earth. I love you. YOU. And I love you so so so so much. You're amazing. I love you. 

Anyways, that was a letter to you. Maybe you'll actually read it one day. Or maybe you're reading it right now. Regardless of that, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are and for loving me. You have no idea how much I need you.

Love,

-Ardon

For Lack of a Better Post

You know, I've realized as of recent, that most of the time it feels like my heart is burning a hole in my chest. And I've been so emotional to the point where I don't know how I'm feeling anymore. One of those teenager things I guess.

The only thought that seems to pop into my head is "GOD. Life sucks."

And my blog posts haven't been that great so I apologize for that. I guess it's because I want to say these things but i don't know how else to say them.

Have you ever talked to someone you really cared about and you asked them "Hey, how are you?" And then try proceed to tell you what's going on in their life, and then they're done and there's a silence.... And in your head you're just like... "I'm fine, thanks for asking."

#me

Life has gotten to the point where I literally break down in tears every time I hear the following lyrics:

"I have wings and I can fly."

"Solla Sollew"

"And maybe now you'll know I care for you."

"I was just a no one only yesterday."

"Or a stair to the sky."

"Somebody's thinking different than us."

"Now little egg, you're alone in the universe too."

"Now for once, I've done something right."

"Notice me Horton."

Anyways. That was a blog post. Hope you enjoyed. You are truly amazing if you've made it this far in the post and haven't scoffed and started doing something else. 

Solid job.

Love,

-Ardon

My Life at This Point

This is the only way I know how to escape.

To escape from the pains and sorrows of REAL life. 

Writing. So here goes:

I'm exhausted. And YES. It's because I'm in a youth theater production. 

"Wow Ardon. That's like... The most unimpressive thing to be exhausted over."

Yeah, I know. But here's the thing.

Have you ever loved something? Like the actual act of doing something? Playing an instrument or running or playing video games or sports? 

And you know when you love that something to the point where you stress yourself over it because you want to be perfect? You WANT to be perfect at it, and you kind of WANT to exhaust yourself over it. 

That's kind of what this youth production is for me. I hope you come see it 'cause it truly is amazing.

It makes me happy. So yay.

Also, aside from that, I miss HER. The girl from my love story. Yeah. She's great. Perfect even. 

I guess that's another thing I love that I want to be perfect for. 

She makes me happy. So yay.

Everything is so exhausting.

But I guess I would only exhaust myself if it was worth it.