Six Haikus

I can't love you now.
It's all been taken away
This moment is naught.

When you walk away,

The reality of this

Remains beyond us.

It doesn't matter.
I'm the only one that's brave
And I'm tired now.

Of course it matters.

I don't want you to end it.

I am bound to you.

I do not want you.
I find myself saying it
But I still love you.

If that's what you want,

I know I can't stop you, but

I'll always love you.

Thoughts at 4:29 AM

I miss being in love.

Sure, I miss them too. Of course I do. They made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I just miss being in love.

I miss waking up each day just knowing that they were out there thinking of me, and that I was also thinking of them. I miss the late night conversations where one of us eventually had to say "I think we should probably go to bed." I miss feeling important to them. I miss being someone's priority in life. I miss kissing and holding hands and watching movies and cuddling and everything we ever did. I miss having the time of my life with the person I wanted in my life the most.

I miss talking about getting married and being with each other all the time. I miss dreaming that that could happen one day. Even though they were only dreams, they never seemed too far away. Now it seems like a lifetime ago I met you, and I wish I never had. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But the pain is still a bitch.

Yes, I know they're not "the one" and "the one" is still out there waiting for me. But couldn't they have found me before I ended up falling in love with someone else? Now I have to start all over. I know ending a relationship is never easy on either side. I've been on both sides. But it sure as hell is a lot worse to be on the receiving end than to not be.

I hope she's happy. As much as it might hurt me to see her happy, I hope she is. Because it would be selfish of me to wish unhappiness just because. I hope she dates a lot of people. And I hope she finds someone who is perfect for her. I figured, the relationship ended for a reason right? One of us should be happy. If it isn't going to be me, it should be her. It should be her anyway.

I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I hope I did. I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I wanted us to be together forever, but I guess the universe had other plans. And that's okay. We'll both be as happy as we could possibly be one day. Whether that's together or not isn't up to me.

I will still always care for you. I will never forget the girl in the blue dress. The girl who changed my life.

Love,

Ardon

Writers Block

For the past four days I've been trying to write a blog post about how I feel. And I have three drafts in my posts all about the same thing. You. And I can't post them. Because they suck. And because you give me writers block.

You give me writers block because all I can think about is you and I don't know how to put that into words. 

All I ever want to do is be around you and hug you. And just talk the day away with you. We can talk about Star Wars or the past relationships we've had. Or we can talk about how amazing the one we have right now is. Because it is. Because we are practically the same person. And we love all the same stuff, and that's wonderful, but the exciting part to me is all the new stuff that we'll discover we love together. I know that if we do that, we won't ever get bored with each other. Even if we are the same.

I want to watch every single movie on our list. Every single movie musical, every single comedy, drama, tragedy, whatever it is. I don't care about the movies. I care about YOU sitting next to me watching the movie.

I want to go on long drives and hold hands with you on those drives because that's my favorite thing to do. I want to Skype you and text and snapchat and all that stuff. AND I WANT TO WRITE BLOG POSTS ABOUT YOU. But you give me writers block. And you leave me speechless. Typeless. Whatever.

You're amazing. Oops. I wrote that. 

And I want to play video games with you. Does that make me trash? Maybe. But YOU haven't picked up an Xbox controller in five years and I need someone to play Lego Star Wars with. You can be Obi-Wan. 

You make my heart and my mouth go a million miles an hour because I can't help it. You fascinate me and you turn me on (in the most non-creepy way possible) and you make me feel different feelings than any of those other girls I used to date. All the ones that hurt me and made me super afraid to even talk to you. But boy am I glad that I put on my big boy pants and grew some balls so I could have the courage to talk to you. I will be forever grateful for H&M and that blue dress. Forever.

I will be forever grateful to Japanese food and Sushi. And I will be forever grateful to the Book of Genesis in the Bible. I will be forever grateful to FitBits for running out of battery and public high school concerts that happen in the gym. And I'm forever grateful to In N Out shakes for being thick. And I will be forever grateful to blue hearts for being the best thing in my life right now. And I will be forever grateful to you. You amazing, funny, sweet, caring, gentle, beautiful person. 

Well, there it is. The blog post that's been waiting four days to happen. And I know you're reading this. So, hi. You're really cute and beautiful and I like you a lot. So here's to you. And here's to us. And here's to writers block.

My Little Lea

Hi, my name is Ardon Smith. And if you know me, or even if you've read my blog, one of the things you know about me is that when I become a father I want to have a girl. My wife could tell me she wants to have a million kids (please no) and if that's what she wanted she would have my consent and every right to name all of them and do whatever, but I want to  have the privilege to name our first girl. Whether she's the oldest, the middle, or comes last, the one thing I want to ask of my wife is to be able to name our girl. And I want her name to be Lea Marie Smith.

A lot of people ask me why I want a girl so bad. And it's not because I have the perfect name or because I'm in theater and I hang around girls all the time or because I don't have a brother and I grew up in a house filled with girls. It's not that.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time I hold her I'll know that she'll be one of the most important girls in my life forever.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time she gets a nightmare, she can sleep right next to her daddy and feel safe in my arms.

I want to have a little girl so that whenever I come home, she can get a big smile on her face and say "Daddy's home!"

I want to have a little girl so that when she falls and scrapes her knee, she can come to daddy knowing that he'll make everything okay.

I want to have a little girl so that on the first day of kindergarten I can hold her hand and walk her to school. 

I want to have a little girl so that when she asks me "Am I a princess?" I can say "Yes, you're a princess." 

I want to have a little girl so that when gets old enough to go to middle school, she'll start to put on make up and I'll tell her "You don't need that." And she'll shrug me off and apply it anyway, but she'll know I meant it with all of my heart.

I want to have a little girl so that when she talks to her mom about boys I can get a headache.

I want to have a little girl so that when she brings her boyfriend to the house I can get sick to my stomach and really nervous. 

I want to have a little girl so we can get into fights over nothing and then cry and hug it out later.

I want to have a little girl so her mom can hate me for secretly spoiling our daughter behind her back.

I want to have a little girl so that when she is about to leave the house for Prom I can think "They grow up so fast."

I want to have a little girl so that when she leaves the house, I can hug her and pretend that I won't cry the whole time but as soon as she leaves, my wife will have to buy me 10 boxes of tissues.

I want to have a little girl so that when she graduates college I can say "That's my daughter."

I want to have a little girl because when she gets married, she'll be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I want to have a little girl so that when she has a little girl, she'll know what it's like to love someone that much.

I want to have a little girl because she'll always be my little girl. 

To My Future Wife

To my love,

Hi! 

You know, I'm 17 right now and the reason I'm writing you (now) is because I've been watching a lot of movies and TV shows where people are just in love and they tell all these things to their significant others, and I said "You know what, I feel like that too but I don't know who to share it with!"

Obviously I picked you since I will be married to you. I don't know who you are yet, but boy I'm a lucky one.

Let me just say that I love you with all of my heart. You're perfect in every way. 

I know that you know nobody is perfect. And I love how you always tell me you're not perfect even though to me, you're the most perfect person I've ever met. And that's why I love you. Because you know that I know. And I'm okay with knowing that. Just as long as YOU KNOW that I think you're perfect.

You know, I can't wait until after our wedding when we get to go to bed. 

Don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I have slept in a queen size bed my whole life, and you know what? It sucks to do that alone. I can't wait until the day where I get to sleep next to you and just know you're there. To be able to hold your hand or wrap my arms around your body. I can't wait until I know that as long as we both live, I'll never be alone.

I'm also way excited to have kids!

Again, don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I love the idea of creating a life and being able to raise a child as our own. I really hope it's a girl. I really do. Not to say that I wouldn't love a boy but I REALLY want to have a little baby girl.

I just have one favor to ask you though.

If and when we do have a little girl, I want to have the privilege to name her. Obviously I acknowledge that you are the one that has to carry the baby and eventually give birth. We can have 100 kids and you can name ALL of them. That's totally fine with me! I just ask that you allow me to name our first girl, and I want her name to be this:

Lea Marie Smith.

Lea because Lea Michele (don't judge, okay?), Marie because that name has been running in my family for years, and Smith because... Well... Yeah.

I vow to always sweep you off of your feet. Literally. Everyday. I give way good hugs and I will lift you off the ground, this, sweeping you off of your feet.

I vow to always listen. I have always prided myself on being there for other people, and I know that I love and care about you enough to say with 100% certainty that I will always be there for you to listen. Always. I don't care if it's something as petty as not being able to find a diaper. I want you to know that I am interested in your feelings and I will always want to listen.

I vow to always love you. I mean, I married YOU for a reason right? I hope you married me for the same reason. Whether or not we go through a divorce, fights, or anything else that may or may not affect our relationship, know that I love you with all of my heart and I will love you every day that you walk on the earth. I love you. YOU. And I love you so so so so much. You're amazing. I love you. 

Anyways, that was a letter to you. Maybe you'll actually read it one day. Or maybe you're reading it right now. Regardless of that, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are and for loving me. You have no idea how much I need you.

Love,

-Ardon

Love is Not A Race

One of the most mind boggling things that I can think of is marriage. Like, marriage is so far beyond what I can really comprehend. We all seem to look at it too lightly, and that's not necessarily anybody's fault, that's just the way marriage is portrayed. You can watch a two hour movie and at the end a couple gets married.

THAT'S SO FAST.

Getting married is a huge milestone for anyone. It's something that people look forward to their whole lives. 

"I'm going to find my Prince Charming and we shall be wed."

I feel like a lot of people, especially where I live, just say "Oh I'm going to come back from my mission and I'm going to get married." 

This isn't against religion or anything, but WHAT? 

Just like that, you're going to come back from your mission and just get married? It sounds a little arranged.

I thought we didn't do that kind of thing anymore.

According to basically everyone I know, my view of marriage is very different than that of my peers and my community.

I don't think you should plan when you'll get married. Yes, you will find the one and you will PLAN WHEN YOU GET MARRIED.

Not my point. <=== (Get it? The period is a point? Anyways...)

The way I view relationships and love is in this simple phrase, and if you know me, you've heard it. "You should find someone that loves spending time with you as much as you love spending time with them. But in a romantic way."

Love can appear out of nowhere, but that doesn't mean love WILL pop out of nowhere. Nothing that is even remotely affiliated with love is planned or forced. Every single married couple I've talked to has told me that they never expected to fall in love with their spouse. They didn't plan love.

And if you try to force love, I guarantee you it WILL come back and bite you in the ass. The world just doesn't work that way.

I do believe everybody can fall in love. I believe everyone will fall in love. Maybe even more than once or twice. 

I'm going to leave you to think about it this way. Love is kind of like running around a track in P.E. 

You can run really REALLY fast. And you'll finish first. And then you're done. (You're married, you'll have kids, anniversaries, yadda yadda yadda.)

But you know those kids in P.E. who just walk? And they take their time? They still finish just like everyone else. (Longer time, same ending)

Love is not a race.

Love,

-Bennett