Commuovere

God is real.

I don’t mean to sound corny

But as I looked at

What stood before me

I felt this overwhelming love.

It was there in the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

I saw it in the sunset above.

I felt at peace.

Even though I’ve had

People leave me

I could feel that my

Grandma was with me.

She saw the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

It really did make me smile.

Her favorite thing in the world

Were those wildflowers.

The purple, yellow, and red

Danced up to meet my eyes

And I felt so alive.

I saw my grandmother

Standing there. Revived.

She smiled at me

While my grandpa stood

Beside her.

I saw the way he looked at her

And then the way he looked at me.

He was always very sweet.

I can’t thank him enough

For taking me here.

I can’t thank him enough
For still being here.

And then I was there with you.

I had tears in my eyes

And I wanted to cry

Because despite anything

That has happened

Or anything that could

Put us in despair

I felt nothing but

Feelings of care for you.

You let me share it with you.

The flowers, the friends, the cake.

My grandma, my grandpa.

We were all there together.

I know we’re friends who

Just went and watched a sunset.

But if I hadn’t made this clear

I’ve got a love fest going on over here.

Falling in a Forest

The sound of your heart breaking
Is not one in which you can hear.
It makes a sound, oh yes.
But you can not hear.

The deafening cracking and crumbling
Your entire universe tumbling down
You are swimming up
Yet before you reach the top
You do indeed drown.

I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.

But I must have it.
There is nothing else I can do
Except to say to you and the world
That we all become absolutely broken.

Shattered on the floor.
They tried to tell us that love was an open door
But this can not be true.

Love is the only thing that can make you
Absolutely sure of everything,
And then destroy you
Without even a trace of a clue.

When your heart breaks,
And nobody is around to hear it,
Does it truly make a sound?

Yes.

It manifests in the endless nights
Of uncontrollable weeping.
You hear it in the ringing of your ears
As you drive past where you had your secret meetings.

You hear it in the phone calls to your friends
As you, yourself condemn yourself
Because it has to be something you did, right?
Otherwise they wouldn't have left YOU.

Is this the truth?
I do not know if we can ever truly know.

They say you must to let go.
But that statement leads me to my inquiry, so,
When you feel lower than your absolute low,
Tell me, my dear,

How must one let go?

I'm Turning 20 Years Old

I'm turning twenty years old.
No more teens, tweens, or in-betweens.
No more feelings or themes of inadequacy
Finally a gleam of my dreams and things
I think that I deserve becoming a reality.

19 is fine, 21 is cool, but two decades?
Holy shit, am I right?

I can't cry, or lie, or fight, or light a bag
Of shit on fire and chalk it up to "hormones"
As a result. I am now an adult.

I've been able to go to prison for two years,
But at least now it'll make sense.
And now I represent a whole new demographic
Of people who are presented with obstacles
And I'm pretty sure we can't eat popsicles
In public anymore because we're twenty years old.

Popsicles are cold. So is the world.

Now I have to be bold.
I have to probably get a job that turns me into someone I'm not
Because someone told me to fold instead of going all-in.
And people tell me "Don't withhold who you are."
When before I was told to behold the very opposite.

I practiced it. Being someone else.
Now it's hard to be myself.

I put myself on the shelf
I was made selfish instead of selfless
Nobody could care less if I was made less
I've been conditioned to impress instead of express
It's been impressed in my mind.
I've been told to respect authority as opposed to self-defense,
Respect others, expect nothing in return
Only return into what the world had made you.

Defenseless.

Is this an exaggeration? Maybe.
But maybe not.

There's nothing else to be taught, and someday
My body will just rot away.
Another product of what we are today.

I'm turning twenty years old.

"Be bolder. You're older.
Become a mold of what we told you.
Control yourself. Don't boil over."

I am twenty years older.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

Worry-Sick

"I'm just worried about a lot of things."

"I feel like that's why you're sick. Because you're worried. You're worry-sick." 

Worry-sick.

That's the first time I ever heard that concoction of words. And I feel like it's true. I am worried sick and I'm sick because I'm worried and I'm worried because I'm sick. What the hell is this?

"You are honestly one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you don't deserve this because your life SUCKS. And it's not fair."

Not the first time I heard that concoction of words, but it IS the first time I had ever heard it and realized the truth behind it.

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Also the world is probably the most messed up place I ever saw. And if you don't think so you're either blind or just naive. 

We LITERALLY all live on the same goddamn planet and we're killing each other. We're beheading people as a scare tactic for RANSOM MONEY. What the actual hell are we doing to the human race? We all live on Earth! Are we really that different or spiteful or angry that we have to kill each other?

Not only do we live on the same planet, but I'm in the United States, and we all live in the same country and people are KILLING EACH OTHER. You want to know what some people get killed for? The color of their GODDAMN SHIRT.

I don't think humans realize that we're doing this to people. I think we're all guilty of just going through the motions every day and not really thinking about us as a whole. 

I tell people this: I love certain individual people, but as a whole human race? I absolutely despise people. Call me a pessimist, call me a jerk, call me the cloud that rains on your parade, call me whatever you want, I could care less. If you don't like this post because you subconsciously like to be blind to the truth, then I'm sorry I was the one to tell you. 

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Here's another thing people don't realize; All of our lives are hard. Like really freaking hard. But humans don't realize it. They never do. Nobody is human enough to realize that other people's problems are THEIR PROBLEMS. I don't care if their parents are going through a divorce or if their parents won't get them the iPhone 6. 

IT. DOESN'T. MATTER.

At the end of the day it's their problem and it's hard for THEM. Maybe we all aren't even human. Maybe we're all biologically humans but inside we're so messed up and twisted and turned in every direction that maybe we don't care about other people any more.

Maybe the definition of being human now is that we aren't human anymore.

It's Coming

Okay. This is a message to all people who read my blog... Considering you're even out there.

Pretty soon I'll be posting a series of posts that are very personal to me.

You see, I'm in New Jersey as I'm typing this right now and I looked around and I saw that I wasn't happy with my life and a very strange feeling popped into my head. 

"I wonder if anyone would care if I died."

I didn't feel like anyone would. 

So I proceeded to text one of my friends and he helped me feel a little better. He said "You have changed so many lives."

To be honest, I really don't believe him at all. But I started to realize something. Regardless of whether or not I thought I changed people's lives, I know for a fact that so many people have changed my life. 

So this series of posts are devoted to all the people that have changed my life. If I write a letter to you, that means you have changed my life and I love you. 

Also, I will be writing these as if they were my last words to you. As if I was to die today.

I won't try to be too depressing. 

The Questions That Will Never Be Answered

Why do I try?

Why was I born?

Why do I treat people the way I do?

Why do I say that I understand people but I told my best friend I didn't understand her feelings?

Why do I care so much what other people think?

Why don't I care about my family as much as I care about my friends?

Why am I afraid of posting this post?

Why do I feel like practically nobody loves me?

Why do I smother people?

Why do I drive people away with my feelings?

Why do I hurt the people I care about without realizing it?

Why did I fall in love with her?

Why do I love someone else now?

Why do I feel like crying all the time?

Why don't I believe in myself?

Why do I look for validation?

Why do I over think things?

Why can't I realize that me writing this post IS overthinking things?

Why AM I writing this post?

Why can't someone just hug me?

Why do I feel so much for people?

Why do I want to help other people so much but I won't waste a second trying to help myself?

Why don't I think it'll get better?

Why do I miss so many people who live just 5 minutes away from me?

Why don't I miss the people who live thousands of miles away from me?

Why don't I just end this post?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Santa Fe

I just want to go.

I don't care where. 

Anywhere is better than here.

I hate living in a world where my summer is filled with empty days and little human interaction.

Where bad things happen to me and the people I care about.

Where I overthink things and never express my problems to my friends because I'm worried that they won't care. Even though they're my friends.

I don't like living in a world where I have to be mean to people. Even if they were mean to me first. For a long time. Or if they were treating one of my best friends shitty. 

I don't want to live in a world where someone works so hard at something just to have it ripped away from them in the blink of an eye. 

Or all the above.

I just want to hop a flight or take a train or steal a car and go to Santa Fe.

Everything seems to be better there. Or at least that's how it's portrayed. It had never occurred to me that Santa Fe was a place people yearned for and loved. I thought it was all about L.A. Or Chicago, New York City, Miami, Orlando, Dallas, Tahiti, London, Jamaica, Japan, Washington D.C.!

I've been to so many of those places and I never found sanctuary or peace of mind. 

When I lived in Florida I smelled weed EVERYWHERE. 

I was told to be paranoid in NYC and put my wallet in my front pocket so it wouldn't get stolen.

All I heard when I walked the streets if D.C. was how much debate was going on and how people hated it in the U.S.

Now, maybe I had bad weeks in those places, but that's how it was.

Maybe Santa Fe would give me a new start. If you want to run away with me, you can. 

We'll just hold on 'till that train makes Santa Fe.

I Just Found Out You Have A Blog

I just realized I care about you a lot.

We haven't even talked to each other like for real. I just looked at you before I went on stage. Not in a creepy way.

You're just so nice and I feel like you deserve a lot more than you get. If that makes sense. Of course it does. Why did I write that? 

I don't care about you like I care about that other girl (read my last post). But maybe that's because she caught my eye before you did. Not saying I'm romantically interested in you.

What am I saying. This doesn't make anybody feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really actually want to get to know you. Because you're a cool chick. Like really. And it SUCKS that we're not in the same cast because we could have such good and deep chemistry on stage.

Not dissing that other girl though.

Hey. If you read this, IF you read this. You should ask me for my number so we can text and stuff. And I'll listen to your problems. If you want.

Anyways, you're great.

See ya.

Worried

Wow.

It just came to my attention that I worry about a lot of things.

I'm worried about a beautiful girl that's more than 3000 miles away from me because she's having an "eh" day. 

I'm worried about TWO pairs of a boy and girl who are perfect for each other but nothing's happening.

I'm worried about being in a president position and having a whole class and department look up to me because I was selected to take on the role.

I'm worried about my best friends who may or may not be drifting away from me.

I'm worried that they're worried about me.

I'm worried that this post is going to make everyone think I'm crazy.

I'm worried that this post is going to make people realize that they're worried too.

I'm worried about my body because I gained way too much weight this year, and now I have stretch marks all over me like I've never seen and now I probably have no chance in getting that ONE role in that ONE show that fits me because people keep indirectly telling me that I'm too fat and ugly to play it.

I'm worried that people will look at this and roll their eyes.

I'm worried that my parents are worried about me.

I'm worried that they think I don't love them anymore. 

I'm worried that I'll become a person I don't want to be.

I'm worried that the future is a real thing.

I'm worried about America, because while I don't know everything that's going on, people talk about it and it worries me.

I'm worried about the kids in America right now because... Seriously?

I'm worried that one of my friends won't get the girl he cares so much about just because she's gonna be gone the whole summer.

I'm worried that my friends won't be happy.

I'm worried that my friend only hears the bad things I say about him and doesn't realize that regardless of all that I still love him.

I'm worried that regardless of a short distance parting us, I won't be able to see my best friend this whole summer.

I'm worried that my phone's going to die on this boat. 

I'm worried I'm going to die at an early age.

I'm worried that the people I mention in this post will know who they are.

I'm worried that people don't believe me when I tell them I love them.

I'm worried I'm going to cry on this boat.

I'm worried that chivalry is actually dead.

I'm worried that I won't get married.

I'm worried that I say sorry too much.

I'm worried that people misinterpret what I say.

I'm worried about the fact that 99 percent of the time I do something because I care about people, and the people I do it for don't seem to care.

I'm worried that one day I'm going to punch someone in the face.

I'm worried about the day I leave for college.

I'm worried about how distraught I'll be if my parents die.

I'm worried that therapy won't help my depression.

I'm worried that I'm making someone depressed.

I'm worried that this boat trip ends at 2 AM.

I'm worried that I won't get a job.

I'm worried that I spend too much money.

I'm worried that people think I'm a negative person.

I'm worried about my friends.

I'm worried about my family.

I'm worried about my teachers.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about ME.

I'm worried.

Does It Matter?

I hear from my friends all the time that they're afraid of the future. They're afraid of what college they're going to go to, they're afraid of moving out, they're afraid of ending up like their parents, they're afraid of getting marred, and blah blah blah all that stuff.

Don't get me wrong, I'm terrified of that too. But rather than the near future, I'm more afraid of the far away future. Which when you think of the grand scheme of things, is the near future.

I'm most afraid of that one day, I'm going to be sitting at Einstein's Bagels, chowing down on my favorite original bagel with regular cream cheese spread and thinking "What did I do with my life?" 

When my gray hairs start to wither and my skin loses it's youth, what will I be doing? Will I have a wife? Kids? Grand kids? Will I have a disease I can't help? Cancer? Will all my loved ones around me start to die? My best friends? My parents? 

I'm in high school, and all that people seem to say is "In ten years, this won't matter." Well what about 20, 30, 40 years? If none of this matters, does ANYTHING matter anymore? I'm not so sure.

I just don't want my life to waste away. I want it to matter.

Digging

You wanna know what sucks about the world?

The world.

Let's get real, the world kind of sucks a lot. There's starvation in third world countries, starvation, death, pollution, homicides, serial killers, fast food (even though I buy it. Shh.), bullies in high schools, terrorists, etcetera etcetera etcetera.

SO MANY THINGS.

And there's probably more than just those things I listed, sadly. 

But take it from someone who almost killed themselves last week, there is that light at the end of the tunnel. I got to the place where I never thought I would reach. I danced on the edge of destruction, so to speak. (If you get that reference, I love you.) 

There are all these things that will try so hard to bury you underneath the ground you stand on, but you know... I had people dig me out right before I wasn't able to breathe anymore. 

And if you ever feel alone, remember this, I love you. Even if I have never met you, or I've only met you once, or I see you every day, I love you.

Cliche, I know, but get off of me.

Love,

-Bennett