Choose To Stay

Are you okay?

How are you holding up?

How are you?

Are you all right?

Are we broken?

Everyone says that in a year or two this won't matter 

But I dare you to tell that to everyone at Lone Peak right now.

Every single time someone says some bullshit like that

I feel like the mad hatter

And I just want to take my fist and punch it right through the wall

Because those people are taking my wrists and slitting them and

They will not refuse to take it all

To take every single happy memory I've ever had at this school.

Every single time I felt cool

And every single time I broke a rule

And every single time I felt like a fool for believing them

You know, a sentence came out of my mouth today

And when I looked up the sky was gray

And I couldn't believe what I was about to say

Then I had to stop myself and say "Wait,

Do I want to say something that carries this weight because my world is progressing at a rate where I don't want to say anything anymore."

I simply said "Every time this happens..."

And then I stopped

And it seems like it doesn't matter how hard we fought

Because we can't seem to win the fight.

How can you fight a war that

You feel like you're doomed in?

How can you fight a war

If every soldier is wounded?

We are the soldiers and that goddamn school is a battlefield

And it's not like the teachers aren't doing their job

But if they wanted to talk to every student in the school that's ever had a suicidal thought,

They'd have 2500 faces staring back at them.

It's the reality of the situation 

Because as a teenager we have all these restrictions

Depression is the master of infliction

And none of us may be able to see it until it's finally constricted us.

I love you, okay?

And no matter what I say from this point on, I do. 

Don't give up. 

Come what may,

Find a reason.

And choose to stay.

RIP Terik.

-Ardon Bennett Franklin Smith

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

To Nelson

Mr. Nelson,

Thank you. 

Allow me to elaborate on that. I want to thank you for affecting me and changing my life.

Allow me to elaborate on that. I want to thank you for affecting and changing my life in almost an indirect way. You see, I've never taken one of your creative writing classes. I wish I could have, but I never did, but still, you managed to change my life so much.

Pretty much all of the people I know who I actually consider to be my friends have taken your creative writing class at some point. Needless to say, they all loved it and came away from it changed people. The moment I started to realize what an actual impact you make in students lives is when I came to SFYS last year. The turnout was absolutely incredible, the amount of people who shared their writings was astounding, and there were absolutely no bad vibes in that auditorium and it made me think "This is what life is supposed to be like."

Because absolutely nobody who was there that night could tell me that they disagreed with anything or that they weren't moved by some part of it. Nobody could tell me that the feeling in that room is the ideal feeling that everyone seeks in the world. And you absolutely did it. 

I've had the privilege of knowing some of the "greats" from creative writing, past and present. I know Dominic Zappala, Baylee Dodge, Trevor Elzey, Sawyer Young, Jack Hoffer, and Hailey Brooks. All writers who constantly prove themselves on a daily basis that they deserve to go down in (at least) Lone Peak Creative Writing History. And if it wasn't for you, Mr. Nelson, I wouldn't have this wonderful blog that I write in. 

You gave me a place to go to when nobody else would understand. Where nobody I know would listen, but a place where anonymous people take time out of their lives to read and say "I understand. I relate. This speaks to me." And there you go again changing lives through me. Through all of your students. 

I spoke during your A4 slam at the end of the semester and that was one of the only times in my life where I stood in front of a group of people and could say "Wow, everyone actually gives a shit about what I'm saying." Which is a big deal, because I've been laughed off stage, I've been booed at, and just plain ignored. But you gave me a place where I could just know that I wouldn't be laughed at. Or booed. But instead "uh'd" at in support by my best friends.

Look, I don't know if you'll ever see this, and if you do, who knows if it'll be in the near future? Maybe you'll see this ten years from now. Maybe never. But I've always wanted to say this to you but I figure saying this all in person would be a little weird coming from someone you don't know. Anyways, just know that as long as you're teaching, lives will always be changed.

Thank you, from the absolute bottom of my heart.

-Ardon Smith (Bennett Franklin)