Six Haikus

I can't love you now.
It's all been taken away
This moment is naught.

When you walk away,

The reality of this

Remains beyond us.

It doesn't matter.
I'm the only one that's brave
And I'm tired now.

Of course it matters.

I don't want you to end it.

I am bound to you.

I do not want you.
I find myself saying it
But I still love you.

If that's what you want,

I know I can't stop you, but

I'll always love you.

I'm Turning 20 Years Old

I'm turning twenty years old.
No more teens, tweens, or in-betweens.
No more feelings or themes of inadequacy
Finally a gleam of my dreams and things
I think that I deserve becoming a reality.

19 is fine, 21 is cool, but two decades?
Holy shit, am I right?

I can't cry, or lie, or fight, or light a bag
Of shit on fire and chalk it up to "hormones"
As a result. I am now an adult.

I've been able to go to prison for two years,
But at least now it'll make sense.
And now I represent a whole new demographic
Of people who are presented with obstacles
And I'm pretty sure we can't eat popsicles
In public anymore because we're twenty years old.

Popsicles are cold. So is the world.

Now I have to be bold.
I have to probably get a job that turns me into someone I'm not
Because someone told me to fold instead of going all-in.
And people tell me "Don't withhold who you are."
When before I was told to behold the very opposite.

I practiced it. Being someone else.
Now it's hard to be myself.

I put myself on the shelf
I was made selfish instead of selfless
Nobody could care less if I was made less
I've been conditioned to impress instead of express
It's been impressed in my mind.
I've been told to respect authority as opposed to self-defense,
Respect others, expect nothing in return
Only return into what the world had made you.

Defenseless.

Is this an exaggeration? Maybe.
But maybe not.

There's nothing else to be taught, and someday
My body will just rot away.
Another product of what we are today.

I'm turning twenty years old.

"Be bolder. You're older.
Become a mold of what we told you.
Control yourself. Don't boil over."

I am twenty years older.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

Santa Fe

I just want to go.

I don't care where. 

Anywhere is better than here.

I hate living in a world where my summer is filled with empty days and little human interaction.

Where bad things happen to me and the people I care about.

Where I overthink things and never express my problems to my friends because I'm worried that they won't care. Even though they're my friends.

I don't like living in a world where I have to be mean to people. Even if they were mean to me first. For a long time. Or if they were treating one of my best friends shitty. 

I don't want to live in a world where someone works so hard at something just to have it ripped away from them in the blink of an eye. 

Or all the above.

I just want to hop a flight or take a train or steal a car and go to Santa Fe.

Everything seems to be better there. Or at least that's how it's portrayed. It had never occurred to me that Santa Fe was a place people yearned for and loved. I thought it was all about L.A. Or Chicago, New York City, Miami, Orlando, Dallas, Tahiti, London, Jamaica, Japan, Washington D.C.!

I've been to so many of those places and I never found sanctuary or peace of mind. 

When I lived in Florida I smelled weed EVERYWHERE. 

I was told to be paranoid in NYC and put my wallet in my front pocket so it wouldn't get stolen.

All I heard when I walked the streets if D.C. was how much debate was going on and how people hated it in the U.S.

Now, maybe I had bad weeks in those places, but that's how it was.

Maybe Santa Fe would give me a new start. If you want to run away with me, you can. 

We'll just hold on 'till that train makes Santa Fe.

Worried

Wow.

It just came to my attention that I worry about a lot of things.

I'm worried about a beautiful girl that's more than 3000 miles away from me because she's having an "eh" day. 

I'm worried about TWO pairs of a boy and girl who are perfect for each other but nothing's happening.

I'm worried about being in a president position and having a whole class and department look up to me because I was selected to take on the role.

I'm worried about my best friends who may or may not be drifting away from me.

I'm worried that they're worried about me.

I'm worried that this post is going to make everyone think I'm crazy.

I'm worried that this post is going to make people realize that they're worried too.

I'm worried about my body because I gained way too much weight this year, and now I have stretch marks all over me like I've never seen and now I probably have no chance in getting that ONE role in that ONE show that fits me because people keep indirectly telling me that I'm too fat and ugly to play it.

I'm worried that people will look at this and roll their eyes.

I'm worried that my parents are worried about me.

I'm worried that they think I don't love them anymore. 

I'm worried that I'll become a person I don't want to be.

I'm worried that the future is a real thing.

I'm worried about America, because while I don't know everything that's going on, people talk about it and it worries me.

I'm worried about the kids in America right now because... Seriously?

I'm worried that one of my friends won't get the girl he cares so much about just because she's gonna be gone the whole summer.

I'm worried that my friends won't be happy.

I'm worried that my friend only hears the bad things I say about him and doesn't realize that regardless of all that I still love him.

I'm worried that regardless of a short distance parting us, I won't be able to see my best friend this whole summer.

I'm worried that my phone's going to die on this boat. 

I'm worried I'm going to die at an early age.

I'm worried that the people I mention in this post will know who they are.

I'm worried that people don't believe me when I tell them I love them.

I'm worried I'm going to cry on this boat.

I'm worried that chivalry is actually dead.

I'm worried that I won't get married.

I'm worried that I say sorry too much.

I'm worried that people misinterpret what I say.

I'm worried about the fact that 99 percent of the time I do something because I care about people, and the people I do it for don't seem to care.

I'm worried that one day I'm going to punch someone in the face.

I'm worried about the day I leave for college.

I'm worried about how distraught I'll be if my parents die.

I'm worried that therapy won't help my depression.

I'm worried that I'm making someone depressed.

I'm worried that this boat trip ends at 2 AM.

I'm worried that I won't get a job.

I'm worried that I spend too much money.

I'm worried that people think I'm a negative person.

I'm worried about my friends.

I'm worried about my family.

I'm worried about my teachers.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about ME.

I'm worried.

Mess-Up

I messed up today. I messed up big time. Why I did what I did, I don't know. How I'm going to fix it? I can't. The damage is done and no matter how many times I try to pick up the pieces, it will just dissolve and leave my fingertips whispering soft reminders of what I did. 

But I can at least say I'm sorry. And I am. 

I'm sorry.