I Still Dream About You

I dreamed about you last night.

And when I awoke,

My heart couldn't breathe

So I pounded my chest with my fists

To try and restart my heart.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I had a nightmare about you last night.

My nightmare was a perfect world.

I imagined you came back

I imagined you apologized for

Your lack of passion

And acknowledged that you made 

A mistake.

I imagined that you didn't lie again for my sake.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined that I felt you again.

I imagined your invitation to touch you

As you traced the insides of my mind

With the insides of your body.

And I felt at home again.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined her.

The girl who claims she could never

Train herself for unconditional love.

The one who I've compared to the

Moon, the sky, and the stars above.

I imagined her more hurt

Than I could imagine.

I imagined her tears streaming.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined my heart bleeding.

I imagined my love reaching

For that gleaming beam of hope.

And when I awoke I tried to cope.

I still dream about you.

I had a dream about you last night.

I had a nightmare about you last night.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Falling in a Forest

The sound of your heart breaking
Is not one in which you can hear.
It makes a sound, oh yes.
But you can not hear.

The deafening cracking and crumbling
Your entire universe tumbling down
You are swimming up
Yet before you reach the top
You do indeed drown.

I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.

But I must have it.
There is nothing else I can do
Except to say to you and the world
That we all become absolutely broken.

Shattered on the floor.
They tried to tell us that love was an open door
But this can not be true.

Love is the only thing that can make you
Absolutely sure of everything,
And then destroy you
Without even a trace of a clue.

When your heart breaks,
And nobody is around to hear it,
Does it truly make a sound?

Yes.

It manifests in the endless nights
Of uncontrollable weeping.
You hear it in the ringing of your ears
As you drive past where you had your secret meetings.

You hear it in the phone calls to your friends
As you, yourself condemn yourself
Because it has to be something you did, right?
Otherwise they wouldn't have left YOU.

Is this the truth?
I do not know if we can ever truly know.

They say you must to let go.
But that statement leads me to my inquiry, so,
When you feel lower than your absolute low,
Tell me, my dear,

How must one let go?

An Ode to Shakespeare

"You're a good kid,"
She said.
"Fuck you."
I said in my head.

Whoa.
Why?
I want.
To die.

Why would I cry when I can just die?
"To be or not to be," is some bullshit
Thanks Shakespeare for yet again
Putting yourself on another pulpit

While making ourselves the culprits
Of our own suppression and depression
Hamlet wanted to kill himself
"To be or not to be that is the question."

And he says that
Not as an act of submission
But rather a realization.

What does that mean?
I don't know.
It means something to me
So it has to mean something to you.

To want to die and to want to stop living
Are two completely different things
The end justifies the means
But please believe me when I say

FUCK YOU.

Romeo and Juliet kill themselves
Just because of bad timing
If they had waited five minutes
Then they wouldn't have had to suffer through
DYING.

And they call our generation impatient.

Even Pyramus and Thisbe die.
WHY?
Where is the lie?
Look Shakespeare, I'm just trying.
Trying to understand why everyone has to die.

Or why everyone has to live.
It's so easy to give in.
Because this world isn't easy to live in.

Maybe that's what he was saying all along.
It's not about living or dying.
We all die eventually.
It's about the choice.
It's about choosing to power on.

Even if there's aches and cramps
Broken lamps, broken hearts
Broken limbs, broken parts
Broken starts, broken restarts
Broken... Anything.

To live or not to live.
To choose or not to choose.
To be or not to be.

That is the question.

In My Own Eyes

Her eyes shine so brightly
And choose to see the best
But the trail of tears within her laugh lines
Tells me she thinks she can never rest

No rest for the un-wicked
Until you prove
To yourself and the world
That you deserve love

And trust and care
And to be the reason that someone wakes up
And grins and bears this fucked up world.
To be the reason someone's toes curl.
To be worth a damn, a diamond, and a pearl.
To be someone's whole world and know that's you.

It's new to be loved unconditionally.
Because without conditions
There's no permission
For you to listen to your heart
And let yourself be a part
Of the reason why you start
To love yourself. A lot.

Your small fingers intertwined with mine
Feel like a small child's
Gripping on to their lifeline.
And as sure as all the stars that shine
I want to call you mine
Because in my own eyes you're sublime.

As sure as all the stars that shine,
I want to call you mine.
Because in my own eyes
You are already mine.

Six Haikus

I can't love you now.
It's all been taken away
This moment is naught.

When you walk away,

The reality of this

Remains beyond us.

It doesn't matter.
I'm the only one that's brave
And I'm tired now.

Of course it matters.

I don't want you to end it.

I am bound to you.

I do not want you.
I find myself saying it
But I still love you.

If that's what you want,

I know I can't stop you, but

I'll always love you.

I'm Turning 20 Years Old

I'm turning twenty years old.
No more teens, tweens, or in-betweens.
No more feelings or themes of inadequacy
Finally a gleam of my dreams and things
I think that I deserve becoming a reality.

19 is fine, 21 is cool, but two decades?
Holy shit, am I right?

I can't cry, or lie, or fight, or light a bag
Of shit on fire and chalk it up to "hormones"
As a result. I am now an adult.

I've been able to go to prison for two years,
But at least now it'll make sense.
And now I represent a whole new demographic
Of people who are presented with obstacles
And I'm pretty sure we can't eat popsicles
In public anymore because we're twenty years old.

Popsicles are cold. So is the world.

Now I have to be bold.
I have to probably get a job that turns me into someone I'm not
Because someone told me to fold instead of going all-in.
And people tell me "Don't withhold who you are."
When before I was told to behold the very opposite.

I practiced it. Being someone else.
Now it's hard to be myself.

I put myself on the shelf
I was made selfish instead of selfless
Nobody could care less if I was made less
I've been conditioned to impress instead of express
It's been impressed in my mind.
I've been told to respect authority as opposed to self-defense,
Respect others, expect nothing in return
Only return into what the world had made you.

Defenseless.

Is this an exaggeration? Maybe.
But maybe not.

There's nothing else to be taught, and someday
My body will just rot away.
Another product of what we are today.

I'm turning twenty years old.

"Be bolder. You're older.
Become a mold of what we told you.
Control yourself. Don't boil over."

I am twenty years older.

Roses and Violets

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Hell yeah it does.
But distance also makes the heart grow    more      distant.
And unfortunately that has only recently become a part
Of my reality.

Love is tricky.
It puts you in situations
Where miscommunications
And temptations
And complicated relations
Become a part of your every day life.

And that's okay.

Because love gives back ten times
What it takes away.

Love is on my mind.
Every time. Every. Line.
Of every poem.
It's kind of like reminding myself
I have a reason to write.
Or do anything at all.
Because all I do is fall.

There's this void
That we all actively avoid
We act as though heartbreak
Is a choice
As though we have an actual
Voice in the matter.
The pitter patter of my beating heart
Is just the start to potentially
Falling apart.

Any mention of your name
Instantly provides some pain
And it makes me want to place blame
As though placing blame
Will replace this profane feeling
I feel in the most bottom part of myself.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
So please do.
And I still love you.
That much is true.

Roses are red
And Violets are blue
Not a single moment was a mistake
Because I spent it with you.

And every moment I spend with you
From now on will only help me feel strong
And perhaps prolong this inherent feeling
That everything I did was wrong
As though I was the only problem
And although you will always have me in the palm
Of your hand
Not one second of it I would want to recall
Because if you weren't worth every single moment
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

You are worth all my moments.
And maybe I should have spent more time showing it.
Instead of making it seem like the opposite.
God, I feel like shit.

Some flowers are purple
Some flowers are green
And I've never met a person
Who could ever mean
This much to me.
A woman who occupied my dreams
And made me feel things
Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It was all presented beautifully.
Truly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I feel like shit
But I still love you

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

Thoughts at 4:29 AM

I miss being in love.

Sure, I miss them too. Of course I do. They made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I just miss being in love.

I miss waking up each day just knowing that they were out there thinking of me, and that I was also thinking of them. I miss the late night conversations where one of us eventually had to say "I think we should probably go to bed." I miss feeling important to them. I miss being someone's priority in life. I miss kissing and holding hands and watching movies and cuddling and everything we ever did. I miss having the time of my life with the person I wanted in my life the most.

I miss talking about getting married and being with each other all the time. I miss dreaming that that could happen one day. Even though they were only dreams, they never seemed too far away. Now it seems like a lifetime ago I met you, and I wish I never had. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But the pain is still a bitch.

Yes, I know they're not "the one" and "the one" is still out there waiting for me. But couldn't they have found me before I ended up falling in love with someone else? Now I have to start all over. I know ending a relationship is never easy on either side. I've been on both sides. But it sure as hell is a lot worse to be on the receiving end than to not be.

I hope she's happy. As much as it might hurt me to see her happy, I hope she is. Because it would be selfish of me to wish unhappiness just because. I hope she dates a lot of people. And I hope she finds someone who is perfect for her. I figured, the relationship ended for a reason right? One of us should be happy. If it isn't going to be me, it should be her. It should be her anyway.

I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I hope I did. I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I wanted us to be together forever, but I guess the universe had other plans. And that's okay. We'll both be as happy as we could possibly be one day. Whether that's together or not isn't up to me.

I will still always care for you. I will never forget the girl in the blue dress. The girl who changed my life.

Love,

Ardon

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

Worry-Sick

"I'm just worried about a lot of things."

"I feel like that's why you're sick. Because you're worried. You're worry-sick." 

Worry-sick.

That's the first time I ever heard that concoction of words. And I feel like it's true. I am worried sick and I'm sick because I'm worried and I'm worried because I'm sick. What the hell is this?

"You are honestly one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you don't deserve this because your life SUCKS. And it's not fair."

Not the first time I heard that concoction of words, but it IS the first time I had ever heard it and realized the truth behind it.

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Also the world is probably the most messed up place I ever saw. And if you don't think so you're either blind or just naive. 

We LITERALLY all live on the same goddamn planet and we're killing each other. We're beheading people as a scare tactic for RANSOM MONEY. What the actual hell are we doing to the human race? We all live on Earth! Are we really that different or spiteful or angry that we have to kill each other?

Not only do we live on the same planet, but I'm in the United States, and we all live in the same country and people are KILLING EACH OTHER. You want to know what some people get killed for? The color of their GODDAMN SHIRT.

I don't think humans realize that we're doing this to people. I think we're all guilty of just going through the motions every day and not really thinking about us as a whole. 

I tell people this: I love certain individual people, but as a whole human race? I absolutely despise people. Call me a pessimist, call me a jerk, call me the cloud that rains on your parade, call me whatever you want, I could care less. If you don't like this post because you subconsciously like to be blind to the truth, then I'm sorry I was the one to tell you. 

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Here's another thing people don't realize; All of our lives are hard. Like really freaking hard. But humans don't realize it. They never do. Nobody is human enough to realize that other people's problems are THEIR PROBLEMS. I don't care if their parents are going through a divorce or if their parents won't get them the iPhone 6. 

IT. DOESN'T. MATTER.

At the end of the day it's their problem and it's hard for THEM. Maybe we all aren't even human. Maybe we're all biologically humans but inside we're so messed up and twisted and turned in every direction that maybe we don't care about other people any more.

Maybe the definition of being human now is that we aren't human anymore.

Yep

Sometimes you get to be happy.

Sometimes you get to be sad.

Sometimes you just have to get over it.

There You Have It

Well there you have it. Those are all the death letters I could really muster. To be honest, I didn't think I was going to get the response I did. Really. Anyways, thanks for reading my death letters and for being great friends. All of you mean so much to me, and as you can see in the posts before this one, I love you all.

Here's the thing, if I didn't write a death letter to you and you feel shafted, please don't take it offensively because it's not meant to offend anyone. If you're important to me in my life, you should know that already. And if it does make you upset, I'll try to make it up to you somehow.

Anyways, now I can go back to my regular blogging self.

Thanks,

-Ardon

It's Coming

Okay. This is a message to all people who read my blog... Considering you're even out there.

Pretty soon I'll be posting a series of posts that are very personal to me.

You see, I'm in New Jersey as I'm typing this right now and I looked around and I saw that I wasn't happy with my life and a very strange feeling popped into my head. 

"I wonder if anyone would care if I died."

I didn't feel like anyone would. 

So I proceeded to text one of my friends and he helped me feel a little better. He said "You have changed so many lives."

To be honest, I really don't believe him at all. But I started to realize something. Regardless of whether or not I thought I changed people's lives, I know for a fact that so many people have changed my life. 

So this series of posts are devoted to all the people that have changed my life. If I write a letter to you, that means you have changed my life and I love you. 

Also, I will be writing these as if they were my last words to you. As if I was to die today.

I won't try to be too depressing. 

Zero to Zero

Okay. I'll just be the first to say it.

I'm really freaking loud.

I guess living in a house with deaf parents for 17 years contributed to that.

Also because I'm an actor and in the first three years I did drama I was taught that projection was the most important thing. You know, being REALLY LOUD.

Therefore I am a loud person.

Unfortunately, that makes me a nuisance to a lot of people. Including my (deaf) parents. Apparently I can't do anything in my house that involves talking, singing, or acting because one of two things will happen:

1. My sisters will tell me to shut up and call me gay and tell me I'm not good at theater.

2. My (deaf) parents will tell me to be quiet because I'm too loud. They said "You're so loud I can hear you without a hearing aid on."

I guess I'm a miracle worker. PUT DEAF PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THEY CAN HEAR.

In all seriousness though, it really sucks.

I mean, this isn't the first time this has happened, but I kind if just got over it. Then I started to realize that "Wow. My family doesn't appreciate my 'talents' so I guess I shouldn't do that around my FAMILY. The people I LIVE with."

So the level of self-expression I'm allowed to have in my house is at a whopping ZERO. So I guess I'll never really be able to truly be myself around my family. Or maybe I will and they'll just ask me to leave. Every time.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my problems. It really means a lot. Sorry if this is petty. 

Love,

-Ardon

The Questions That Will Never Be Answered

Why do I try?

Why was I born?

Why do I treat people the way I do?

Why do I say that I understand people but I told my best friend I didn't understand her feelings?

Why do I care so much what other people think?

Why don't I care about my family as much as I care about my friends?

Why am I afraid of posting this post?

Why do I feel like practically nobody loves me?

Why do I smother people?

Why do I drive people away with my feelings?

Why do I hurt the people I care about without realizing it?

Why did I fall in love with her?

Why do I love someone else now?

Why do I feel like crying all the time?

Why don't I believe in myself?

Why do I look for validation?

Why do I over think things?

Why can't I realize that me writing this post IS overthinking things?

Why AM I writing this post?

Why can't someone just hug me?

Why do I feel so much for people?

Why do I want to help other people so much but I won't waste a second trying to help myself?

Why don't I think it'll get better?

Why do I miss so many people who live just 5 minutes away from me?

Why don't I miss the people who live thousands of miles away from me?

Why don't I just end this post?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Don't Worry, These Are Just Thoughts

The warm water fell and hit all over my body. As I sat there with one leg extended while the other was folded underneath it, I thought "This is so stereotypical."

DEPRESSED TEENAGER SITS AND CRIES IN SHOWER

Yeah.

But I decided to sit there and close my eyes. The warm water ran down my face and I started to lose track of what was shower water and what was tears. 

I started to imagine being back in Florida and recalling that I had done this once before. I remember being a young kid sitting out in the rain just staring at nothing because I had no friends. That was due to the fact that I was fat, loud and obnoxious. 

Weird how some things never change.

Then as the water turned from warm to cool I had found myself fully laid out and I thought to myself "Is this what death feels like?"

People say that death is peaceful and you don't suffer anymore. There had never been a time in my life where I had felt more peace and less suffering. 

I know. I was taking a shower.

But if that is how death feels then that is the way I want to go out. I don't want to die for glory. I don't want to die doing the thing I love. I don't want to die in some extravagant way. I don't want to die in front of millions of people and have people remember how haunting my death was. And I'm NOT saying I want to die.

No. 

But if I could choose, I'd die in the rain.

(P.C. Of Hailey Brooks)

To Those that Didn't Have Plans Today

I decided to take a walk down the street today to that little opening/clearing/whatever you call it that let's me see the valley.

Literally the only perk of living on a mountain is that clearing so I can sit there on the Fourth of July.

This "Fourth of July valley viewing" was kind of nice because I went when everybody else had already seen fireworks at around 9 or 10 pm. So I was all alone and it was really peaceful and quiet. It was also nice because I was wrapped in the warmth of the blanket I had gotten from my prom date this last year. (It's still my favorite blanket) So I was actually having a decent time.

It's always kind of surreal for me to look down at the valley because I feel like I'm watching random people and they don't even know it. As I look down, of course, I see fireworks erupt at various points in the sky (which I am above). I also see the lights from all the cities twinkle. I see cars driving by and I see police sirens and I just... Look. 

Then I decided to glance away from the exploding and burning fireworks that are down in the valley and I decide to look up at the sky and look at what's really exploding and burning. 

But then I realize that I've already wrote two posts about stars and that a third post is just overkill, you know?

Then I decided to look in myself and see what's exploding and burning in there. My heart. I closed my eyes and focused on my heart, and I realized something. Me and my heart had been through everything together. 

I know my heart is an organ, but just humor me, okay?

You know when you're feeling an indescribable feeling and someone asks you how you're feeling and you tell them that you're fine because you actually have no idea how to put into words what you are ACTUALLY feeling? 

Same.

Then I realized something else in this short interlude of my life that I spent outside on the Fourth of July. I only wanted to see two people. At this time I only wanted to share this national holiday with TWO PEOPLE. I've interacted with so many people in my life but at this time, in this moment, I only wanted to see two people.

The first one I know will read this, so hi. I didn't get to actually see you at all this summer which makes me really sad because I love you so so so so much and you're all the way across the country right now. Which, by the way, you have to tell me how spending the Fourth of July in D.C. Is. Is it something to go on my bucket list? Anyways, I know that things aren't that great or easy right now for you and I wish you were here even just for a couple of minutes so that we could share at least one moment this summer. Not to say that it's all about me and that I should be your number one priority in life. No. I guess I'm just saying I miss you. 

Now the second person will probably not read this but that's fine. We had made plans to spend this night with each othe but then she got surprised with tickets to the Stadium of Fire so that's awesome! Anyways, I want to spend time with her because I've never met anyone who I can be happy with all the time. Mostly the reason that is is because I get sad around certain people because of the way my brain works, but my brain seems to work a different way around her. And so does my heart. I feel happy, nervous, anxious, excited, confused, clueless, blind, and in love all at the same time. And it's one of those feelings where (even though I just kind of described it) I can't really describe it. I love everything that our relationship holds. I love how we can both be thinking different things and moving at different paces but it doesn't matter because we're cool like that. And I really like you, heck, I love you! And I really don't know if you like me back. Or at least in the same way. But like I said, it's okay. Whenever I'm with you I'm so focused on you and getting to know you so that doesn't even matter. THATS why I want to spend the Fourth of July with you. On this opening. At 11:35 PM. Even though you probably have work tomorrow.

Well, I didn't have plans today so there you go.

-Ardon

(P.S. Happy Independence Day everyone!)