Commuovere

God is real.

I don’t mean to sound corny

But as I looked at

What stood before me

I felt this overwhelming love.

It was there in the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

I saw it in the sunset above.

I felt at peace.

Even though I’ve had

People leave me

I could feel that my

Grandma was with me.

She saw the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

It really did make me smile.

Her favorite thing in the world

Were those wildflowers.

The purple, yellow, and red

Danced up to meet my eyes

And I felt so alive.

I saw my grandmother

Standing there. Revived.

She smiled at me

While my grandpa stood

Beside her.

I saw the way he looked at her

And then the way he looked at me.

He was always very sweet.

I can’t thank him enough

For taking me here.

I can’t thank him enough
For still being here.

And then I was there with you.

I had tears in my eyes

And I wanted to cry

Because despite anything

That has happened

Or anything that could

Put us in despair

I felt nothing but

Feelings of care for you.

You let me share it with you.

The flowers, the friends, the cake.

My grandma, my grandpa.

We were all there together.

I know we’re friends who

Just went and watched a sunset.

But if I hadn’t made this clear

I’ve got a love fest going on over here.

I Still Dream About You

I dreamed about you last night.

And when I awoke,

My heart couldn't breathe

So I pounded my chest with my fists

To try and restart my heart.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I had a nightmare about you last night.

My nightmare was a perfect world.

I imagined you came back

I imagined you apologized for

Your lack of passion

And acknowledged that you made 

A mistake.

I imagined that you didn't lie again for my sake.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined that I felt you again.

I imagined your invitation to touch you

As you traced the insides of my mind

With the insides of your body.

And I felt at home again.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined her.

The girl who claims she could never

Train herself for unconditional love.

The one who I've compared to the

Moon, the sky, and the stars above.

I imagined her more hurt

Than I could imagine.

I imagined her tears streaming.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined my heart bleeding.

I imagined my love reaching

For that gleaming beam of hope.

And when I awoke I tried to cope.

I still dream about you.

I had a dream about you last night.

I had a nightmare about you last night.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Falling in a Forest

The sound of your heart breaking
Is not one in which you can hear.
It makes a sound, oh yes.
But you can not hear.

The deafening cracking and crumbling
Your entire universe tumbling down
You are swimming up
Yet before you reach the top
You do indeed drown.

I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.

But I must have it.
There is nothing else I can do
Except to say to you and the world
That we all become absolutely broken.

Shattered on the floor.
They tried to tell us that love was an open door
But this can not be true.

Love is the only thing that can make you
Absolutely sure of everything,
And then destroy you
Without even a trace of a clue.

When your heart breaks,
And nobody is around to hear it,
Does it truly make a sound?

Yes.

It manifests in the endless nights
Of uncontrollable weeping.
You hear it in the ringing of your ears
As you drive past where you had your secret meetings.

You hear it in the phone calls to your friends
As you, yourself condemn yourself
Because it has to be something you did, right?
Otherwise they wouldn't have left YOU.

Is this the truth?
I do not know if we can ever truly know.

They say you must to let go.
But that statement leads me to my inquiry, so,
When you feel lower than your absolute low,
Tell me, my dear,

How must one let go?

An Ode to Shakespeare

"You're a good kid,"
She said.
"Fuck you."
I said in my head.

Whoa.
Why?
I want.
To die.

Why would I cry when I can just die?
"To be or not to be," is some bullshit
Thanks Shakespeare for yet again
Putting yourself on another pulpit

While making ourselves the culprits
Of our own suppression and depression
Hamlet wanted to kill himself
"To be or not to be that is the question."

And he says that
Not as an act of submission
But rather a realization.

What does that mean?
I don't know.
It means something to me
So it has to mean something to you.

To want to die and to want to stop living
Are two completely different things
The end justifies the means
But please believe me when I say

FUCK YOU.

Romeo and Juliet kill themselves
Just because of bad timing
If they had waited five minutes
Then they wouldn't have had to suffer through
DYING.

And they call our generation impatient.

Even Pyramus and Thisbe die.
WHY?
Where is the lie?
Look Shakespeare, I'm just trying.
Trying to understand why everyone has to die.

Or why everyone has to live.
It's so easy to give in.
Because this world isn't easy to live in.

Maybe that's what he was saying all along.
It's not about living or dying.
We all die eventually.
It's about the choice.
It's about choosing to power on.

Even if there's aches and cramps
Broken lamps, broken hearts
Broken limbs, broken parts
Broken starts, broken restarts
Broken... Anything.

To live or not to live.
To choose or not to choose.
To be or not to be.

That is the question.

Six Haikus

I can't love you now.
It's all been taken away
This moment is naught.

When you walk away,

The reality of this

Remains beyond us.

It doesn't matter.
I'm the only one that's brave
And I'm tired now.

Of course it matters.

I don't want you to end it.

I am bound to you.

I do not want you.
I find myself saying it
But I still love you.

If that's what you want,

I know I can't stop you, but

I'll always love you.

I'm Turning 20 Years Old

I'm turning twenty years old.
No more teens, tweens, or in-betweens.
No more feelings or themes of inadequacy
Finally a gleam of my dreams and things
I think that I deserve becoming a reality.

19 is fine, 21 is cool, but two decades?
Holy shit, am I right?

I can't cry, or lie, or fight, or light a bag
Of shit on fire and chalk it up to "hormones"
As a result. I am now an adult.

I've been able to go to prison for two years,
But at least now it'll make sense.
And now I represent a whole new demographic
Of people who are presented with obstacles
And I'm pretty sure we can't eat popsicles
In public anymore because we're twenty years old.

Popsicles are cold. So is the world.

Now I have to be bold.
I have to probably get a job that turns me into someone I'm not
Because someone told me to fold instead of going all-in.
And people tell me "Don't withhold who you are."
When before I was told to behold the very opposite.

I practiced it. Being someone else.
Now it's hard to be myself.

I put myself on the shelf
I was made selfish instead of selfless
Nobody could care less if I was made less
I've been conditioned to impress instead of express
It's been impressed in my mind.
I've been told to respect authority as opposed to self-defense,
Respect others, expect nothing in return
Only return into what the world had made you.

Defenseless.

Is this an exaggeration? Maybe.
But maybe not.

There's nothing else to be taught, and someday
My body will just rot away.
Another product of what we are today.

I'm turning twenty years old.

"Be bolder. You're older.
Become a mold of what we told you.
Control yourself. Don't boil over."

I am twenty years older.

Roses and Violets

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Hell yeah it does.
But distance also makes the heart grow    more      distant.
And unfortunately that has only recently become a part
Of my reality.

Love is tricky.
It puts you in situations
Where miscommunications
And temptations
And complicated relations
Become a part of your every day life.

And that's okay.

Because love gives back ten times
What it takes away.

Love is on my mind.
Every time. Every. Line.
Of every poem.
It's kind of like reminding myself
I have a reason to write.
Or do anything at all.
Because all I do is fall.

There's this void
That we all actively avoid
We act as though heartbreak
Is a choice
As though we have an actual
Voice in the matter.
The pitter patter of my beating heart
Is just the start to potentially
Falling apart.

Any mention of your name
Instantly provides some pain
And it makes me want to place blame
As though placing blame
Will replace this profane feeling
I feel in the most bottom part of myself.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
So please do.
And I still love you.
That much is true.

Roses are red
And Violets are blue
Not a single moment was a mistake
Because I spent it with you.

And every moment I spend with you
From now on will only help me feel strong
And perhaps prolong this inherent feeling
That everything I did was wrong
As though I was the only problem
And although you will always have me in the palm
Of your hand
Not one second of it I would want to recall
Because if you weren't worth every single moment
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

You are worth all my moments.
And maybe I should have spent more time showing it.
Instead of making it seem like the opposite.
God, I feel like shit.

Some flowers are purple
Some flowers are green
And I've never met a person
Who could ever mean
This much to me.
A woman who occupied my dreams
And made me feel things
Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It was all presented beautifully.
Truly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I feel like shit
But I still love you

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

The Way I See You

Something special happens

Every time I look

Every turn is a new page

But I'm not reading a book

Nope. Just observing you.

In a totally non-creepy way

Always making me laugh

With everything you say.

You told me that it's a big deal for you

To say yes to guys when they ask you out.

I am so honored.

Because I wouldn't be surprised if that's all that surrounded you.

You are a lot more beautiful than you think.

Really, you are.

I've never been so awe-struck

By a girl that looks as good as you and has a kind and genuine heart.

That's REALLY hard to find.

It's one of the hardest things I've done

Even though I didn't do much

I feel like I finally found someone worth it.

Because that's what it's all about

Finding someone who means so much to you after only knowing them for a short time

Because then you find yourself writing a poem 

And trying to find words that rhyme

And trying to find the words that coincide

With the feelings in your heart

Because that's what it means

And the heart is the best part

You see, the heart is a vital organ

And while this isn't biology

You don't need a textbook to tell you

That love isn't something you can see.

Or see coming for that matter.

Because "Everything happens for a reason"

Or maybe they don't.

And life isn't always pleasing

You know that. I know that.

There's always heartbreak involved

But the delicate heartstrings that you pull

Make me feel like a puppet and that the world revolves around you.

Falling in love is like doing a trust fall.

You trust that the person who is supposed to catch you will

And I'm not so sure if you're going to catch me, or even try

But I trust you still

You didn't tell me that it was hard for you to trust people

But you just don't trust people quickly and people have to work for it

Which I'm totally fine with because you're worth the time

And I'm not one who's easy to quit

Look, I'm not going to say I'm in love with you (because that would be crazy)

But I'm writing you a love poem. That's something.

You say the word though, all of this will stop

And dissolve into nothing

Because while I may be emotionally invested

Because your disease has infested me

I would throw it all away if you

Confessed that you didn't feel the same way.

Your happiness means a lot more to me

Than my happiness does

Because I. Care. About. You. And 

That's why I feel fuzzy when I think about you.

My heart has been ripped out and torn

Thrashed and stomped into the ground

And it feels like I'm riding a merry-go-round

But I'm willing to put it out there because for once I found that I could feel this way again.

You don't have to lie to me 

Or try to let me down easy

All that I'm really asking

Is that you really read this and you hear me

I have fallen in love with other girls

And I've told them that I've seen them in ways I've never seen someone else, because I do.

But believe me that I mean it when I say

I have never seen someone the way I see you.

The Sun

Every day, I wake up in the morning,

I take a second to look at the sun rise over the top of the mountains

I didn't start until this year, but I never knew

What REAL appreciation was until this had happened.

The sun brightens my day. Literally.

Now, all that aside, the sun is a marvelous thing

It can stand for so much. Beauty, happiness, warmth.

Or sometimes you hear that Beatles song come on, and you sing.

The sun lets me see everything around me more clearly

Nothing beats that moment when the sun rises in the morning

And sometimes the clouds, the rain, the snow, tornadoes, and hurricanes can block it

But the sun is always there, just supporting life as we know it.

We revolve around the sun because the sun is what keeps us going

The sun is what keeps us alive

The sun is just a big ball of gas

Which spins the earth around for a ride

The sun is life

The sun is true

But my sun isn't in the sky

My sun is YOU.

The Background

You see me in the back?

I've always been here

I've been by your side 

Each time I appear

And though I'm not perfect

We've been the best of friends

And sometimes you ignore me

But my love never ends

And you don't show your feelings

But sometimes you must

I just hope you know

I'm someone you can trust

Love is always there

It never goes away

And though you might drift

I will always stay

Once I've gone away

You can't even see 

Because I'm in the back

I don't really lead

But sometimes I choose to be

Without making a sound

I choose to be

In the background 

Trust

Why is trust

So hard to achieve?

I say you can trust me

But nobody believes

I stick out my neck

And I trust you

Why can't you do the same

Is that too much to do?

But it's fine, go on

All I did was care

But the fact you don't trust me

Makes life unfair

But I'll get through

Don't worry about me

I trust you

I believe what I see