I Still Dream About You

I dreamed about you last night.

And when I awoke,

My heart couldn't breathe

So I pounded my chest with my fists

To try and restart my heart.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I had a nightmare about you last night.

My nightmare was a perfect world.

I imagined you came back

I imagined you apologized for

Your lack of passion

And acknowledged that you made 

A mistake.

I imagined that you didn't lie again for my sake.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined that I felt you again.

I imagined your invitation to touch you

As you traced the insides of my mind

With the insides of your body.

And I felt at home again.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined her.

The girl who claims she could never

Train herself for unconditional love.

The one who I've compared to the

Moon, the sky, and the stars above.

I imagined her more hurt

Than I could imagine.

I imagined her tears streaming.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I imagined my heart bleeding.

I imagined my love reaching

For that gleaming beam of hope.

And when I awoke I tried to cope.

I still dream about you.

I had a dream about you last night.

I had a nightmare about you last night.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Falling in a Forest

The sound of your heart breaking
Is not one in which you can hear.
It makes a sound, oh yes.
But you can not hear.

The deafening cracking and crumbling
Your entire universe tumbling down
You are swimming up
Yet before you reach the top
You do indeed drown.

I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.

But I must have it.
There is nothing else I can do
Except to say to you and the world
That we all become absolutely broken.

Shattered on the floor.
They tried to tell us that love was an open door
But this can not be true.

Love is the only thing that can make you
Absolutely sure of everything,
And then destroy you
Without even a trace of a clue.

When your heart breaks,
And nobody is around to hear it,
Does it truly make a sound?

Yes.

It manifests in the endless nights
Of uncontrollable weeping.
You hear it in the ringing of your ears
As you drive past where you had your secret meetings.

You hear it in the phone calls to your friends
As you, yourself condemn yourself
Because it has to be something you did, right?
Otherwise they wouldn't have left YOU.

Is this the truth?
I do not know if we can ever truly know.

They say you must to let go.
But that statement leads me to my inquiry, so,
When you feel lower than your absolute low,
Tell me, my dear,

How must one let go?

Six Haikus

I can't love you now.
It's all been taken away
This moment is naught.

When you walk away,

The reality of this

Remains beyond us.

It doesn't matter.
I'm the only one that's brave
And I'm tired now.

Of course it matters.

I don't want you to end it.

I am bound to you.

I do not want you.
I find myself saying it
But I still love you.

If that's what you want,

I know I can't stop you, but

I'll always love you.

Roses and Violets

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Hell yeah it does.
But distance also makes the heart grow    more      distant.
And unfortunately that has only recently become a part
Of my reality.

Love is tricky.
It puts you in situations
Where miscommunications
And temptations
And complicated relations
Become a part of your every day life.

And that's okay.

Because love gives back ten times
What it takes away.

Love is on my mind.
Every time. Every. Line.
Of every poem.
It's kind of like reminding myself
I have a reason to write.
Or do anything at all.
Because all I do is fall.

There's this void
That we all actively avoid
We act as though heartbreak
Is a choice
As though we have an actual
Voice in the matter.
The pitter patter of my beating heart
Is just the start to potentially
Falling apart.

Any mention of your name
Instantly provides some pain
And it makes me want to place blame
As though placing blame
Will replace this profane feeling
I feel in the most bottom part of myself.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
So please do.
And I still love you.
That much is true.

Roses are red
And Violets are blue
Not a single moment was a mistake
Because I spent it with you.

And every moment I spend with you
From now on will only help me feel strong
And perhaps prolong this inherent feeling
That everything I did was wrong
As though I was the only problem
And although you will always have me in the palm
Of your hand
Not one second of it I would want to recall
Because if you weren't worth every single moment
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

You are worth all my moments.
And maybe I should have spent more time showing it.
Instead of making it seem like the opposite.
God, I feel like shit.

Some flowers are purple
Some flowers are green
And I've never met a person
Who could ever mean
This much to me.
A woman who occupied my dreams
And made me feel things
Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It was all presented beautifully.
Truly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I feel like shit
But I still love you

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

Thoughts at 4:29 AM

I miss being in love.

Sure, I miss them too. Of course I do. They made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I just miss being in love.

I miss waking up each day just knowing that they were out there thinking of me, and that I was also thinking of them. I miss the late night conversations where one of us eventually had to say "I think we should probably go to bed." I miss feeling important to them. I miss being someone's priority in life. I miss kissing and holding hands and watching movies and cuddling and everything we ever did. I miss having the time of my life with the person I wanted in my life the most.

I miss talking about getting married and being with each other all the time. I miss dreaming that that could happen one day. Even though they were only dreams, they never seemed too far away. Now it seems like a lifetime ago I met you, and I wish I never had. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But the pain is still a bitch.

Yes, I know they're not "the one" and "the one" is still out there waiting for me. But couldn't they have found me before I ended up falling in love with someone else? Now I have to start all over. I know ending a relationship is never easy on either side. I've been on both sides. But it sure as hell is a lot worse to be on the receiving end than to not be.

I hope she's happy. As much as it might hurt me to see her happy, I hope she is. Because it would be selfish of me to wish unhappiness just because. I hope she dates a lot of people. And I hope she finds someone who is perfect for her. I figured, the relationship ended for a reason right? One of us should be happy. If it isn't going to be me, it should be her. It should be her anyway.

I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I hope I did. I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I wanted us to be together forever, but I guess the universe had other plans. And that's okay. We'll both be as happy as we could possibly be one day. Whether that's together or not isn't up to me.

I will still always care for you. I will never forget the girl in the blue dress. The girl who changed my life.

Love,

Ardon

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

Worry-Sick

"I'm just worried about a lot of things."

"I feel like that's why you're sick. Because you're worried. You're worry-sick." 

Worry-sick.

That's the first time I ever heard that concoction of words. And I feel like it's true. I am worried sick and I'm sick because I'm worried and I'm worried because I'm sick. What the hell is this?

"You are honestly one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you don't deserve this because your life SUCKS. And it's not fair."

Not the first time I heard that concoction of words, but it IS the first time I had ever heard it and realized the truth behind it.

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Also the world is probably the most messed up place I ever saw. And if you don't think so you're either blind or just naive. 

We LITERALLY all live on the same goddamn planet and we're killing each other. We're beheading people as a scare tactic for RANSOM MONEY. What the actual hell are we doing to the human race? We all live on Earth! Are we really that different or spiteful or angry that we have to kill each other?

Not only do we live on the same planet, but I'm in the United States, and we all live in the same country and people are KILLING EACH OTHER. You want to know what some people get killed for? The color of their GODDAMN SHIRT.

I don't think humans realize that we're doing this to people. I think we're all guilty of just going through the motions every day and not really thinking about us as a whole. 

I tell people this: I love certain individual people, but as a whole human race? I absolutely despise people. Call me a pessimist, call me a jerk, call me the cloud that rains on your parade, call me whatever you want, I could care less. If you don't like this post because you subconsciously like to be blind to the truth, then I'm sorry I was the one to tell you. 

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Here's another thing people don't realize; All of our lives are hard. Like really freaking hard. But humans don't realize it. They never do. Nobody is human enough to realize that other people's problems are THEIR PROBLEMS. I don't care if their parents are going through a divorce or if their parents won't get them the iPhone 6. 

IT. DOESN'T. MATTER.

At the end of the day it's their problem and it's hard for THEM. Maybe we all aren't even human. Maybe we're all biologically humans but inside we're so messed up and twisted and turned in every direction that maybe we don't care about other people any more.

Maybe the definition of being human now is that we aren't human anymore.

Yep

Sometimes you get to be happy.

Sometimes you get to be sad.

Sometimes you just have to get over it.

There You Have It

Well there you have it. Those are all the death letters I could really muster. To be honest, I didn't think I was going to get the response I did. Really. Anyways, thanks for reading my death letters and for being great friends. All of you mean so much to me, and as you can see in the posts before this one, I love you all.

Here's the thing, if I didn't write a death letter to you and you feel shafted, please don't take it offensively because it's not meant to offend anyone. If you're important to me in my life, you should know that already. And if it does make you upset, I'll try to make it up to you somehow.

Anyways, now I can go back to my regular blogging self.

Thanks,

-Ardon

Chloe and Ashley

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today.

Dear Chloe Pentelute,

Hey there. We haven't talked in a while and that makes me a little sad. You know, I just want to thank you. I mean, I'm dying right now and I never thought I would have a romantic interest or have someone love me the way you do before I died. I know that you were always busy, and I don't blame you. Your life is important. All I really want is for you to continue a happy life. You trusted me with things that I know you don't trust many people with and for that, I am so grateful. And I want you to know that I was always here for you and I always loved you. It's funny, because I remember the moment I first saw you and I thought "WOW. She's really pretty! For a fourteen year old." Then I found out you were sixteen, I felt like an idiot, and then I decided to get over myself and the rest just happened. I know dating and boys were never a big thing for you, thus I wasn't ever the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life. Which I don't blame you for. And I can't say that you were the most important thing in my life either. But I can say that you were definitely one of the most influential and IMPORTANT parts of my life and I'm so glad I got to know you the way I did. You mean so much to me. The only regret I have is that we didn't get to keep going. I love you so so so so much.

Love,

-Ardon


My Dearest Ashley Fredde,

Hey. This is kind of the worst thing in the world. You know. The whole dying thing. I decided to write to you last because you were the only person that I meant as much to you as you did to me. To be fair, a lot of people would say "No, Ardon, you meant so much to me." But those people are either lying or again, they meant a lot more to me than I did to them. And that's all right. Because I had you, and you were all I needed. Do you remember all the way back when you were in 8th grade and I was in 9th? Man, time flies. I remember being in Drama 2 with you and just having a ball. I mean, we didn't actually talk much during then, but it's still a memory I associate with our friendship. The thing I love is that we really started to get to know each other in the Creative Writing class at Timberline. I mean, not only did we get to know each other through our writings that we shared with each other and with the class, but with just being friends and getting to know each other. We've gone through so much. I remember when I was so dumb and I wrote a totally ratchet and off-key song just to tell you how much I loved you. I thought "Wow. This is the pinnacle of loving someone. I'll never love Ashley more than this." Not to say I only loved you a certain amount, but I just thought I wasn't capable of it. The funny thing with love is that it's made up of a bunch of other words. Like "caring", "faith", "honestly", "trust", and "communication".  I learned everything that contributes to love through loving you. You. YOU. You changed me and helped mold me to become a person that I only ever dreamed of becoming. But through loving you I know dreams can become reality and anything is possible. The moment you texted me and asked me if you could come see me at my school and you ran into my arms was the moment I knew that you were truly my best friend (not that I had any doubts before). You want to know something I love? The fact that you said "you're my soul mate". The thing is, if anybody else had said that to me, I'd be like "Why are you in love with me? You're a creep. Get away." But when you said it it just felt right. Obviously you weren't in love to me, and people who are reading this post will be like "That's weird." But the thing was is that it wasn't! And THAT'S what I love about it! It never mattered about romance or attraction or social standing or anything like that! All we did was act like two human beings and we got to know each other for who we really were. I never thought I'd trust someone like I trust you and I never thought I would have a friend as long as I have had you as a friend. Like HOLY CRAP we've been friends a long time! At least, for high school students. You know I"ve had friends who have left me and I know that you've had friends that left you. But I never left you and you never left me. Ashley, you're my best friend and I only wish the best for you. I want yo uto know that I'll be at your wedding and HE BETTER BE PERFECT. Because that's what you deserve. Nothing in this world matters to me more than your happiness. Hell, it's the reason I get up every morning. It's the reason I'm writing you this letter. It's the reason I'm still alive even though people gave me the worst shit of my life and told me that my problems "didn't matter" and they called me a fag in front of a whole class and they called me fat, and stupid, and untalented BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER TO YOU. You always told me that my problems mattered. And that I wasn't fat and stupid. And that I WAS talented. I only ever had that kind of support from one other person, my Grandfather. You know the whole story, he passed and I was lost. I remember you being there. And I also remember Hailey Brooks being there for me. And I remember telling you that I was sad because my grandpa "wouldn't see me graduate or get married or be in a show." But you told me "Yes he will. He will always be there with you. Always." And I want to let you know that I'm always going to be with you. No matter where life takes you, I. Am. There. Always. Nobody has ever treated me as well as you have in this life, so I want to make sure that you always have at least one person who loves you with everything they are. And that one person is me. Ashley Fredde, I love you. With everything I am. Keep me as a good memory and know that I will love you forever. See you on the other side, soul mate.

With all the love in the world,

-Ardon

Dom and Trevor

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today.

Dear Dominic Zapalla,

Hey there my friend. I'm really bummed that I haven't really been able to see you at all much since school ended. You know, it's funny, have you ever met someone that you really looked up to and once you meet them/get to know them, you respect them less? I absolutely love that I didn't ever feel that with you. I remember being this puny little sophomore and seeing you perform and just being like "Wow he's really really good!" and I never lost that after I met you AND get to know you. If anything, I just came to admire and you respect you SO much more after I got to know you. And the thing is, I don't want to be done getting to know you. It's really awesome when I talk to people about you because this is what I say: "You know, it's going to be so awesome when ten years down the road, Dom is probably going to be famous in a TV show or in a movie or on Broadway or SOMETHING, and I can have the privilege to say 'I went to school with that kid, and we were actually pretty tight'." Dom, I remember the time where you, me, and Hailey were all in the auditorium at LP and you were just jamming out on the piano and you played that Format song and, for some reason, you decided to look at me the whole time and right then and there is when I knew that you are the most amazing and passionate person I've ever met. When you play music or sing, I see and feel the passion that you bring to your craft and it's unlike anything I've ever seen in anyone else. I hope that life treats you well and I only want good things to come to you because I know that you deserve that so so so much. Just remember the little people when we all are gone from your life.

Your friend,

-Ardon


Dear Trevor Elzey,

My goodness, I don't think you know this, but you'll be one of the people I'll miss the most. I have so many fond memories that I've shared with you and I'm just glad that I had that opportunity to really be your friend. You have no idea how much it meant to me when you said that I was one of your best friends, because that was one of the things that I never really thought I would ever achieve. I know that I haven't personally always been the best friend to you and I really am sorry if I ever made you feel unloved or unappreciated or just crappy in general because that's not what friends should do. And that's my fault. And I'm sorry. But like I said, I have a lot of good memories with you. I will never ever forget Comic-Con because that was one of the best experiences of my life. I loved standing next to you and having Karen Gillan look and giggle at us. Also, can I just say that you are single-handedly one of the most talented people I've ever known. I know you don't think this in the slightest, but you as Marius made me so happy! Your "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables" is my favorite part of that whole show because of YOU. I wouldn't have had your performance any other way because you nailed that character to the wall. Also I'm still crying because of your "Run Away With Me" because it was SO GOOD. I honestly love you so much and I just wish we had just talked more, just you and me, you know? I regret every day that I never got to do that. I admire you so much and it makes me sad to leave you. You're a great friend and I want you to remember that.

Your Friend,

-Ardon

Kelsea and Andralee

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Kelsea Kocherans,

I'm already like sobbing, what is this? Anyways, I can't imagine my life without you. Pretty soon you'll have to love life without me. And that's fine, because I know you'll make it. You want to know what I love about our friendship? The fact that we both have broken down in front of each other and cried so hard. Usually guy/girl friendships don't go like that. At all. So look at us being all special! You know, there's seven billion people on the earth right now. And I've met a couple thousand all together. If there was anyone, and I mean ANYONE that I thought could make it in this world, it was you. I knew from the moment you performed in front of me for the first time (Drama 3, wow) that you could do whatever you wanted and be PERFECT at it. I personally think you should continue to be an actress because you have it all! You are an amazing singer, your dancing is flawless and your acting is phenomenal! Not to mention you look like very lead girl role ever. The thing is Kelsea, I believe in you. And I think that's fair because for most of the time we've known each other, you were the only one that I knew believed in me. And that honestly means the world to me that someone as amazing as you believed in me. We've been through so much together in the relatively short time we've been friends. And not to say that I want more bad things to happen, but I wish we had the opportunity to go through more together. Because at the end of the day, you were one of the only people that could REALLY get me through a hard time. And I love you so so so much. Don't ever forget that I love you.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Andralee Allen,

Hello. I don't want to leave you. The thing is, we're not together all the time, but I always feel for you. As we both know, we're the same person but I think we're connected deeper than just that. I would to be surprised if all of my bad days were your bad days too even if we didn't talk or see each other that day. Also, can we talk about how you are always there for other people but it seems like nobody is there for you. I know it doesn't mean much any more because I'll be gone soon, but I've always been here. You know I would listen and do anything to make you feel better. Because you would always listen to me. The trippy thing was that whenever you would try to make me feel better, it was always in the same way I make people feel better and it worked! You're really good at what you do and please don't stop being who you are because if you stopped then I couldn't die happy. Sweethearts has been, by far, my favorite dance I've been to. Not to say that any of the other dances I've been to haven't been amazing, but that one was so special. And to be honest, I didn't think it would be. Andralee, you just have to remember at the end of the day, you meant something to me and if you can remember that, then I'm happy. I'm good. Don't stop being who you are. Because I love you and I think you should love you too.

Love,

-Ardon

Jaiden and Megan

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Jaiden,

You know when they say "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Unfortunately, that's what I think whenever you come up in my brain. I've never met someone who had such a clear view on the world and how real it is. You showed me that people shouldn't be treated how you want to be treated, they should be treated the way THEY deserve to be treated. Whether that was good or bad is up to how they act. It's such a beautiful way to go about things and I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it came from such a beautiful girl. Inside and out. I remember when I had a crush on you and I was devastated that we weren't a thing. Huh. It all seems so unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Of course I'm sad I never got the chance to call myself your boyfriend, but at the end of the day I should honestly just be grateful for the chances I did get to interact with you. Whether it was romantic or not. And look at us now! Good friends and despite that little thing that happened we still manage to say to each other "I love you." And that honestly makes me happier than you can imagine. You go on and on about how amazing I am but I don't think that many people get to tell you how amazing YOU are so allow me. Jaiden, you are amazing because you are unlike anybody that anyone has ever met. You're drop-dead gorgeous, you're nice, you're funny, you're silly, you watch good tv shows, you play guitar hero, you aren't afraid to share your feelings, you're direct, you're an AMAZING dancer, and your hugs are out of this world. I hope that's enough for you to finally start believing me. I don't need you to believe you're this high and mighty amazing person (because then you'd get an ego and that's no fun), but what I do need is for you to be happy. No matter what it takes. I want the rest of your life only to bring you goodness and happiness and love. I love you.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Megan Vest,

Hello hello hello my beautiful friend. Can you believe that we only actually met in person at Cinderella 11 days ago?? You should be really honored that you made it on this list. Serious now though, you amaze me. First out, you have talent out the wazoo and I'm amazed that you even wanted to be friends with me. Furthermore, I'm shocked that YOU were intimidated to come up to ME at Seussical! Every time I talk to you or see you all I can think is "I just want to hug her." Because I feel like you deserve to be hugged all the time. Not trying to put words in your mouth, but I know you've been through a lot of stuff and all I want is to make you feel safe and beautiful all the time. Thus, the hug. You ever notice that when you hug someone, most of the time, your hearts are really close together? I'm not going to go off about how I'm in love with you, but I just want you to remember that when you go through the rest of your life hugging. Because it's so intimate and it's a beautiful thing to experience. A hug. Megan, I'm so close to tears right now and I don't know why. My goodness I just love you so much, okay? I just want you to remember that if there was anyone in this world that loved you, I was that person. You have so many people who DO love you though and it's such a beautiful thing to be loved. Don't lose that love or the people who do. You'll go through life and people will talk shit behind your back about how you're not pretty or you're not a good singer, or stuff like that. But at the end of the day the ONLY PEOPLE THAT MATTER are the people that love you and you love them back. And you matter to me. Anyways, I'm getting too emotional. I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon

Hailey and Jack

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

My Dearest Hailey Brooks,

This is one of the letters that will probably make me the most emotional/depressed I can be so just bear with me here. Hello Hailey Brooks. God, it seems like life just threw us together and then ripped us apart didn't it? I'm sad this summer wasn't like the other ones where all we would do is just sit at my house and watch Starkid musicals and eat all of my food. And then when we ran out of food, we would go to your house. You know that quote I love? "I wish you could know it was the good old days before you left them." Yeah that's pretty much the number one thing I feel with you. Also love, because I love you more than you can imagine. Hailey Brooks, I have to thank you for everything that you've done for me because I wouldn't know/love half the things I know/love if you weren't the person you were. I'm sorry I was that friend that was always late to the party about knowing certain things about certain TV shows or movies or video games. The (kind of creepy) thing is though, is that I loved hearing you talk. So it wasn't all bad for me that I didn't know anything. My only regret with you is how we grew apart. I didn't want it to happen, but I know that it made you happier. You found friends who were funnier, cuter, more exciting, and all around better people than me. I would have loved to come back together as friends but I'm dying right now and I don't know how much time I have left. So, I want to end with saying that you are one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. You're beautiful, smart, funny as hell, you have a great taste in music, your advice is amazing, you're honest, and you've been one of the best friends I've had in my entire life. I love you with all of my heart.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Jack Hoffer,

I don't even know where to start other than to say you're one of the most solid people I've known. You literally saved my life. Legitimately. You did. Do you remember that night? And the thing was YOU called ME. I left that night thinking "Why are me and Jack not better friends?" And as I sit here, dying, I am still asking myself that question. Nothing that could have ever happened in my life could replace all those amazing double dates we went on. Obviously, our dates were amazing, but I enjoyed them so much because I was doubling with you. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. Another thing, you always let me into your house and let me eat your food, which is amazing considering some people don't even let me see the kitchen. And for some reason, even though I was always hopeless, you always found it in your heart to be willing to help me with my singing. That meant the world to me because singing is my life. It will have been my life I guess. Jack, the thing is is that you influenced me so much and you're more important in my life than you realize and I'm so glad I took that Drama 3 class (which was hell) because that's where I met you and that's where we became friends. We went from two little sophomores that didn't even know each other to two full-grown seniors who were going to be side-by-side as Drama President and Drama Vice President. All I ask is that you remember the good times we had, and then I will be able to die happy.

Your friend,

-Ardon

Brynn and Haley

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Brynn Hallsted,

No no no no no no no why does it have to be like this? I didn't get to see you go to Utica! You were the first person who had ever invited me to a mission opening that I actually attended, and even though I'm not Mormon, I wanted to see you off. And I at least wanted to spend some more jam sessions with you and hear you sing "God Help The Outcasts". Hopefully God helps me right now. Brynn, from the moment we mutually decided to be friends, I didn't want either of us to leave. The funny thing was I thought you would be the one to leave. For a year and a half. Now I'm leaving forever and I just... I don't want to accept that. You always brightened my day and you were one of the only people that I encountered in my life that didn't give me a weird look when I cried in a movie like "Tarzan" Which, actually, you have no idea how much that day meant to me because I don't know if you do, but I hold that day so near to my heart and I wouldn't trade it for anything. The only regret I have is that I will miss you a lot more than I think I should. We spent such little time together and I wish it wasn't that way. Life is short. But I know you know that and I know you will make the most of your life. That's just who you are. And that's why I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Haley Hallsted,

You're such a beautiful person. And you make life beautiful for people around you. Pretty soon I won't have a life that will be graced with your beauty. I won't have a life to be made beautiful anymore. But I don't want you to lose that. I didn't think you would, but I'm just making sure. Your laugh honestly makes my life so much better and I wish you were around me always. You made my life so much better and I hope I did the same for you. I'm so sorry that we'll never get to sing on stage together because that was the part of the Disney Concert that I was looking forward to so much. Because you're a great friend and what performer doesn't want to sing on stage with a great friend? I'm sorry that I didn't come to all the things you invited me to, even though all I wanted was for people to invite me to things. And you were the person that knew me so well and you knew that I would appreciate it. And I did, but... I didn't. That's my regret with you. I didn't appreciate our friendship enough and that is something that I wish was different. I guess there's nothing we can do about it now. All I can do is tell you that I love you and I will miss you so much. I don't want to go and I hope you won't be too sad when I'm gone. The only thing I can think of to say is I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. I just want you to he happy. If you can do that, I'll feel better about my life. The life that I had. I love you. Thank you.

Love,

-Ardon

Timmy and Em

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Timmy Ryan,

Timmy, you're the most solid bro I ever had. I've never ever had a friend like you. One who showed how much they cared all the time and you were pretty much one of the only guy friends I ever had who wasn't afraid to say "I love you." You were always there for me and you still are even though I would go through nasty depression ruts, you would always try to help me out of them and I know you would continue to do that. The only regret I have with our friendship is that it wasn't longer. I wanted to go to college together and have you be my best man at my wedding and just be in more shows with you. The thing I love about you is that no matter what I was saying, you always cared about the things that were coming out of my mouth even though sometimes it might have seemed like I didn't care about what you were saying. Which was never true by the way. To think that we grew SO close in such little time amazes me every day and not a day goes by that I don't appreciate our friendship to the fullest. If you were here i would hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. Hopefully this letter is enough.

Your Friend,

-Ardon

My Dearest Em,

Hey. I'm gonna start writing this and I'll probably cry at some point. I'll let you know when that happens. Anyways, hello my beautiful friend! It sucks that I won't be able to see you. You were the only person that truly understood how much I love people. You told me "I don't think anyone loves me as much as you do." And I took that to heart and I was so touched and moved by your appeeciation for the love I have for you. You are single-handedly the person that improved my self-confidence. You know, it isn't up all the way, but it's getting there all thanks to you. I'm so happy that we've gone on so many dates and there were times where we both liked each other and we managed to still be friends. My regret with our relationship is that we never spent as much time with each other as we should have. I know for a fact that we both love being in each other's presence and that we'd do it all the time if we could. So I say that the next time you meet someone like that, spend all the time with them you can. I don't want to leave you, but death is funny like that. No matter what you want, it still comes. I love you so so so much and I'll miss you so much. Okay, now I'm crying. I just want you to be as happy as you can be, and you should allow yourself to be. Never ever let anything or anyone get in the way of that. And I will stand by this until my dying breath; you're one of the most beautiful girls I know. I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon

McKayla and Sheridan

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear McKayla Hansen,

Hi. I'm really sorry that we didn't get to know each other better. If I had known that I was going to love you the way I do now, I would have talked to you every day at Seussical. Also I so wish that I had known you before. The truth is that when I first saw you, I was SUPER intimidated to talk to you because you were so freaking pretty. You still are. You're freaking gorgeous. But anyways, I thought you were way too cool for school, thus, way too cool to talk to me. And I had kind of an instant crush on you, and that's still true to this day. Also your skills on the piano amaze me! You're so good! I just, on the spot, asked you to play Santa Fe and you did! Gosh you're amazing and I love you so much! It kinda sucks that I'm going to die today, but I don't want you to focus on it too much. Because YOURE GOING TO ITALY!! Granted, I won't be able to write you any letters, but you know I would have. I mean, I'm writing you one right now and it's pretty decent, right? Also, this is me professing to the world that I think you're attractive and that I pretty much have a crush on you and I'm in love with you, so.... Yeah. You're really one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you. But the time we did spend together was amazing. You remember when we were in the In N Out parking lot and I made you get on my back for a chicken fight? That was pretty freaking adorable of us. Also the time we watched Phantom at your house! That was one of the best times of my life just because I was spending it with you. I love you McKayla Hansen. Keep me as a happy memory. 

Love, 

-Ardon

Dear Sheridan Hansen,

Wow. I've gone through a lot with you and I've only known you since like... April? I don't know what it is but you and me just kind of clicked once we started talking to each other and I love that so much. And I love YOU. Please please please never forget that I LOVE YOU so much! You were never alone with me. I mean, I'm dying now, but I'm still going to always be here. I know that's a little religious and weird and sad, but I don't ever want to leave you. You're so great and you mean too much to me for dying to get in the way. I'm just sad that I won't be there to see you at your broadway debut because you know I would be there no matter what. I WOULD BE THERE IF I WAS DYING. Nothing in this world would make me happier than to see you accomplish your dream. AND YOU WILL. I just won't be there to see it. But if there's anything I want you to remember, it's that YOU control what happens to you. Nothing can stop you except for yourself. Take it from someone who took this to heart, and honestly, this helped me so much. If you want it enough, nothing or anyone is going to get in your way, so keep that dream and vision in mind always. Never stop working. And even if you get there, KEEP GOING. Sheridan, just remember that I believe in you and love you so much. I just wish I had gotten to know you more. One of the biggest regrets I have with you is how little I learned about you. I mean, I know you and I love you, but I wish I knew more. I wish we had late night phone calls and deep Facebook conversations because you're amazing. Who doesn't want to get to know an amazing person? I'll miss you.

Love,

-Ardon