Off Of My Chest

The sound of laughter rings through my eardrums, and I see big grins on everyone's  faces at every turn. It's not very unusual for me to go to social events like this, in fact, I like them a lot... But I haven't been one of those people that when you turn and see them, they're smiling.

I look at all my friends and acquaintances with their enthusiastic faces, and I'm happy that they're full of joy, but I'm also sad... Because I'm not. Nobody really speaks to me at events like these, and can blame be put on them? No. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to talk to someone who is being internal.

I've always thought that when people see me, they don't view me as a outgoing person. I don't think they see me as happy. When people look at me, I think they see a person, an individual, who has had to grow up too fast. They see a kind person who tries too hard and does not get much in return. They see someone who cares too much, and they see someone who won't hesitate to be sorry. They see a pushover and a weakling. The only reason I think that is because that is what I see too.

Look, I'm not writing this so that people will look at this and say "Wow. I feel really sorry for him. He must be going through a hard time." It's not like I don't want you to feel bad, I just want to say it. Because every day I feel like there is something happening. There are things occurring that I can't control. I feel like there is hot lava boiling in my heart and every day I'm ready to explode with anger, frustration, and tears. I can't help myself.

I want you to know why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because... I don't know what else to do. I've never felt so alone in my life. If you were to meet me a couple of months ago, you would be meeting a completely different person. And I miss who I was.

I think I'm clinically depressed.

Do I want to be? No.

Do I want to get better? Yes

Am I saying this for attention? No.

Do I want you to worry? No.

Am I glad that's off my chest? Maybe.

Remember

When my mind roams free, I go to a place. I take a journey. Not to any place in particular. Not somewhere that I seem to decide either. The depths of my mind decide that. Whether it is a place that is solitary and private or a place of warmth and social gathering, I sit alone and let it wander.

I do not let it get too far though. If I allow that, I start to become cognitively aware that my mind has many memories. Memories that I sometimes forget about but they always seem to come back to me at some point. They go to my subconscious and dwell there until they see the slightest opening to come back and remind me of themselves. Like little snakes slithering out of their cages, until I fight them and force them to go back. 

It is necessary that I remember. It seems to remind me that I am human. If I did not remember them and the emotions attached, what would I be. Not human. Remembering the hurt, the joy, the sorrow, the envy, and even remembering the times where I did not even feel anything is necessary! 

Remembering is not something I want, it is something I need. Without it, I cannot remember where I came from and how far of a journey I have actually made. Finding the hidden messages I have left for myself is necessary. I just have to remember.

Journey

We sit together and drive. We know our destination, and we play music so loud to the point where we can't have conversation. We all look out our individual windows. And though it seems dead and awkward, it isn't. It's actually the happiest I've felt in a long time.

Despite the countless moments we all remember when we have felt alone or sad, we all seem to be content with sitting in this little white car. A song ends and we all laugh at the comments made about the song. "So good, but so bad ." I can't help but to crack a half-smile. 

Then the next song kicks in and we all stop. But, of course, our driver knows every single song that comes on, and he loves to sing along. 

Some people say "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

I totally agree.  

Finishing In Second

Do you know how it feels to always come in second? To always be the first loser? To be that person that are people's second choice? To know you'll never be first?

I'm sure we've all felt this, I feel it every day. It sucks when you try really hard, and you don't succeed the way you want. And it sucks when you go somewhere with people and everyone would rather talk to someone else rather than you.

And the worst is when people trust other people more than you. Or value other people more than you. 

Doesn't it seem that no matter how hard you try, you can just never seem to rise above it all? No matter how positive you stay, or how nice you are, you always seem to come in second? 

Asking yourself every day, "Why me? What did I do wrong? How can I change?" 

One of the things that is really frustrating is when you do change, people start to say "You've changed" or "I don't like the way you've changed." Then you just feel like, "Well what can I do now?" 

Now unless you're like a human chameleon or something, you can't really change. You are who you are. And even though you may get the silver every time, one day, someone will see that you deserve the gold. 

(In honor of the 2014 Olympics)

-Bennett

Love is

Love is...

The first time you saw each other

The time he asked for her number

The times he called but he hung up because he was too scared

Those first dates you'll never forget

The flowers he got 

The smile she had

Those gifts that you hold dear

Those notes that you passed in high school

Those times you just sat and watched a movie

The arguments over stupid things

The romantic dinners

The months you spent together 

The time he got down on one knee

The time you sealed your bond with a kiss

Your first anniversary 

The day you were "expecting"

The countless times you had cravings

The multiple false alarms

The day your baby first cried

The first day of kindergarten 

The first day they had a "boo-boo"

The first time they said "Can you help me with my homework?"

The day they could drive

The times where they wanted to see their friends more than they wanted to see you

The day they said they were sorry

The day they graduated

The day you had to say "Goodbye"

When you cried with each other

When your child got married

The day you became grandparents

The day where you became grandparents again 

The day you both retired

The days you went to bed every day still loving one another

The days your child called you for parenting advice

The day you all had a family reunion.

The day you knew you were getting old 

The days where you just sat on the couch with each other and loved it

The day they went away. 

Forever.

The days you still remember.

Love is still loving that one person despite all the shit you went through together. 

Love is being happy with the life you had.

Love is never wanting to replace that. Not for the world.

To All High School Students

Dear all high school students,

First off, I know everyone says this, but for real. You saw your friends yesterday. GET OVER IT. You don't have to "OMG" or "BRO ITS BEEN SO LONG" every day! I'm so over you!

Has there ever been a time where a kid who actually wants to learn something in class, they could actually do it? I promise that if we all just took a second to SHUT THE HELL UP. Then maybe people who actually cared could be allowed to! I'm so done with everyone treating class like a joke. Literally, if you can't contribute or you just flat out don't care, then just shut your mouth. 

How come every time I walk into the bathroom there is always a toilet that isn't flushed? How hard is it to flush a toilet? That is something you have learned how to do since you were potty trained. We are teenagers, so please flush the toilet! Just because you like to (literally) leave your crap everywhere doesn't mean I have to see it or smell it.

Another thing, the hall way is for people to get to and from class. All you people who love to stand in the middle of the hall need to stand to the side or get out of the way! People shouldn't have to move around YOU. You should be moving out of the way for OTHER PEOPLE. Have some common sense! 

Dear High School,

Why in the hell do we have three gymnasiums? Is it for dances? Is it for the basketball team? I'm pretty sure the basketball team just uses the main gym. I'm all for supporting sports because they make a good reputation for the school, but if we're making gyms for them and they're not using it, then what's the point? All that money can be going towards academics! All the administrators and parents and teachers blame students for low test scores. I'm just saying. 

On another note, why is attendance school a thing? I understand ditching class and missing it is frowned upon, but if I can pull up my grades and pass then why should the school care if I'm in class or not. Attendance school is just LP's fancy word for "Detention" and we have to pay to go to it. Like... What?

I hate the fact that I have to wake up so early to go to school. I go to first period and I don't pay attention because I can't pay attention. My mind hasn't woken up yet! Studies have shown that teenagers aren't fully awake until noon anyway! We are all only awake for fourth period. Why can't elementary schools start early and high school start later? Little kids are up at the crack of dawn anyway! Elementary school can start earlier, and then throughout the different schools, it can start later! Solution? I think so. 

Anyways, on a more positive note, I really do like our school and I wouldn't want to go anywhere else. I just wanted to get that off my chest. And if you find flaws in my sentences and theories, leave me alone because it's just my feelings. 

-Bennett

The Background

You see me in the back?

I've always been here

I've been by your side 

Each time I appear

And though I'm not perfect

We've been the best of friends

And sometimes you ignore me

But my love never ends

And you don't show your feelings

But sometimes you must

I just hope you know

I'm someone you can trust

Love is always there

It never goes away

And though you might drift

I will always stay

Once I've gone away

You can't even see 

Because I'm in the back

I don't really lead

But sometimes I choose to be

Without making a sound

I choose to be

In the background 

Trust

Why is trust

So hard to achieve?

I say you can trust me

But nobody believes

I stick out my neck

And I trust you

Why can't you do the same

Is that too much to do?

But it's fine, go on

All I did was care

But the fact you don't trust me

Makes life unfair

But I'll get through

Don't worry about me

I trust you

I believe what I see

My Nightmare

You know, I had a nightmare the other week that really freaked me out. The fact that I still remember it vividly kinda creeps me out. I have been meaning to write about it, but I never had time, but here I am I guess. I've told people about it and they laughed. Not because it was funny or they were making fun of me, but my nightmare is kinda weird. You'll see. Anyways, we have tried to figure it out because we think it means something but I don't have any sure answers. Any insight would help. Anyways, here goes.

I remember everything in my dream was silent, but I could still understand people and could still communicate. And most of the dream took place from my first-person POV.

So me and some of my friends all get together to go to this bowling alley. This bowling alley was one of the most (ratchet) run-down bowling alleys I've ever seen. There was a banner at the entrance that said "Grand Opening" but it was all torn to shreds. And inside was dark, so me and my friends enter the bowling alley. It's really creepy. Everything is so dimly lit, and all the pins were set up, and there were pin ball machines and a little food place. I remember there being an evil clown, but he wasn't actually there... He just kinda popped up and jump-scared me in my dream.

One of the things that was weird was that we had no actual intentions of bowling. We looked around and saw that there was a grocery store attached to this run down bowling alley (I really wish I was making this up). So we went into the grocery store, which was kind of dark, but for the most part, well lit. We had apparently this plan to split up and find different things. For what, I don't know, what I was supposed to get, I don't know, but we all split up and I was left alone.

I slowly started to realize that we were not the only ones in this grocery store. There were some other people there. They weren't normal... The best way to describe it is that they were out of an insane aslylum, or it seemed like it. 

For some reason, when we split up, I start to feel generous for some odd reason. I decide to buy a bunch of various soda cans for my friends so that we can enjoy a drink. I grab Diet Coke, Coke, Dr Pepper, Mountain Dew, etc. and I have my arms full of soda cans. 

Once again, this is weird, but our rendezvous point is the potato sacks, so I decide to go over there so my friends can meet up with me later. A little bit of time passes, and I find myself sitting on this potato sack for a while. Then these two young women come walking up to me. One of them was walking just fine, but the other one, despite her young age, had a walker. They both looked crazy and started to talk to me by saying phrases like "Do you love me?" And "Will you be my boyfriend?" 

Mind you, anyone asking me this question has never happened.

Needless to say, I was a little freaked out, and I simply responded with "I'm waiting for someone." They didn't take it too well, and they started to come towards me. Naturally, I ran away, still keeping all the cans in my hands. 

As I ran, I saw one of my friends off in the distance, and at this point I was very scared and frantic. I yelled my friends name, and he looked at me with a state of confusion. At this point, I was thinking about all the cans I had retrieved for my friends, and I wanted to make sure that it would be all right. So I had a great plan to throw them at my friend and hope that he would catch them. 

Unfortunately my friend did not react the way I had hoped, and he allowed the cans to fall to the floor and burst. I walked toward him with another can in my hand, four fingers on the bottom and my thumb on the top. Apparently I had been holding this can with a fierce grip, and as I was going to hand it to him, my thumb punctured the top of the can, cutting my thumb and making it bleed.

I remember feeling the actual pain in my actual body outside of the dream.

The next thing I know, as I'm turning around, I get pepper-sprayed by one of my other friends who freaked out, and they all ran off.

I was left alone.

I got up slowly, and started to try to make my way to the entrance to the bowling alley so I could go back to where I came from. As I passed through the grocery store and bowling alley, more and more if these scary people started to emerge from hidden places in those areas. Now, my face was all puffed up, my thumb was bleeding, and I had this limp. I was making progress, but slowly. I wasn't moving any faster than they were.

As I approached the entrance to the bowling alley, there was a figure of a man standing there with a knife. He let me pass him, and at this point, my POV in the dream moved to outside of my body. The last thing I saw was him raising the knife at me, and then I woke up.

Anyways, if you have any insight, leave it in the comments. Or if you have any comments, you can comment those too. Wow. That was a silly sentence. Anyways, sorry this post was so long, and I don't blame you if you don't read it all.

Thanks,

-Bennett

Apology Letter

To Whom It May Concern,

I'm sorry. I am so very sorry. I don't mean to be the way I am. I'm sorry if it seems like I've changed. I'm not going to lie, I have changed. Not for the better, not for the worse, just changed. I know I'm not as outgoing as I used to be, and I know that I'm quieter, and I'm not sad. I just don't have much to say like I used to.

Sometimes I feel excluded. And you might look at this going "Wow, nobody excludes you." And you know what? I know that nobody excludes me, not on purpose at least. At the end of the day, I don't feel good, and I know you can understand that.

I'm sorry if talking to me is like playing a broken record, where I only have to say the same things over and over. That's why I don't say as much, because it's all the same! I can't be as new and exciting and helpful as you want me to be. And I'm sorry for that. 

Life is never easy, you know that. It sure as hell hasn't been easy for me recently. All the stress from school, doing extra-curriculars, family members dying. I'm not asking you to pity me, and I'm not asking YOU to change for me. I just want more of an understanding stance from you, because if you know me, you know how hard it's been. 

I'm not saying my life is harder than yours, but it's hard for me. 

Look, if I say I care about you, I mean it. If I say I respect you, I mean it. If you ever hear me say "I love you." I mean it. All that I can hope is that you'll love me too and take the time to appreciate it.

I'm sorry. 

- From an apologetic human