Santa Fe

I just want to go.

I don't care where. 

Anywhere is better than here.

I hate living in a world where my summer is filled with empty days and little human interaction.

Where bad things happen to me and the people I care about.

Where I overthink things and never express my problems to my friends because I'm worried that they won't care. Even though they're my friends.

I don't like living in a world where I have to be mean to people. Even if they were mean to me first. For a long time. Or if they were treating one of my best friends shitty. 

I don't want to live in a world where someone works so hard at something just to have it ripped away from them in the blink of an eye. 

Or all the above.

I just want to hop a flight or take a train or steal a car and go to Santa Fe.

Everything seems to be better there. Or at least that's how it's portrayed. It had never occurred to me that Santa Fe was a place people yearned for and loved. I thought it was all about L.A. Or Chicago, New York City, Miami, Orlando, Dallas, Tahiti, London, Jamaica, Japan, Washington D.C.!

I've been to so many of those places and I never found sanctuary or peace of mind. 

When I lived in Florida I smelled weed EVERYWHERE. 

I was told to be paranoid in NYC and put my wallet in my front pocket so it wouldn't get stolen.

All I heard when I walked the streets if D.C. was how much debate was going on and how people hated it in the U.S.

Now, maybe I had bad weeks in those places, but that's how it was.

Maybe Santa Fe would give me a new start. If you want to run away with me, you can. 

We'll just hold on 'till that train makes Santa Fe.

I Just Found Out You Have A Blog

I just realized I care about you a lot.

We haven't even talked to each other like for real. I just looked at you before I went on stage. Not in a creepy way.

You're just so nice and I feel like you deserve a lot more than you get. If that makes sense. Of course it does. Why did I write that? 

I don't care about you like I care about that other girl (read my last post). But maybe that's because she caught my eye before you did. Not saying I'm romantically interested in you.

What am I saying. This doesn't make anybody feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really actually want to get to know you. Because you're a cool chick. Like really. And it SUCKS that we're not in the same cast because we could have such good and deep chemistry on stage.

Not dissing that other girl though.

Hey. If you read this, IF you read this. You should ask me for my number so we can text and stuff. And I'll listen to your problems. If you want.

Anyways, you're great.

See ya.

The Moments That Make Up My Love Story

Once upon a time, I met a girl. (I promise that this is a love story) She is one of the most beautiful, caring, talented, inspiring, hilarious, good-hearted, sweet, confusing, mysterious, and amazing girls I've ever met. There have been so many moments that I've shared with myself and with her that basically describe our relationship this far. There was...

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The moment I first saw her. (WOW. THAT WAS CHEESY) I know.

The moment I thought she was 14.

The moment I first talked to her. 

The moment I said to myself "Wow, if only she were my age." 

The moment Timmy told me she was 16. 

The moment I thought Timmy was pulling my leg.

The moment I talked to her for the first time.

The moment SHE told me she was 16.

The moment I felt like an idiot.

The moment I told her that I thought she was fourteen.

The moment we laughed together for the first time.

The moment I learned her name.

The moment we started to sit next to each other at rehearsals.

The moment I left her favorite candy bar on a hanger in the dressing room and she had no idea it was from me.

The moment where (apparently) people started shipping us.

The moment Suzy became my wingman.

The moment Suzy was the best wingman ever.

The moment I started shipping us.

The moment Suzy told me that she just wanted me to ask her out.

The moment I asked her out.

The moment I hugged her for the first time.

The moment we just hung out.

The moment she asked if I wanted to go get dinner.

The moment I actually fell for her.

The moment I went to New York.

The moment we had a half-hour phone conversation.

The moment she told me she missed me.

The moment I missed her too.

The moment she told me that she realized how much she really cared about me.

The moment I told Suzy all about it.

The moment I got homesick because of her.

The moment I landed back in Utah.

The moment we FINALLY went on our first date.

The moment she tried to use chopsticks for the first time.

The moment she totally failed at it.

The moment I told her that it was adorable.

The moment she said it was pathetic.

The moment we compromised and said that it was pathetic, but in a cute way.

The moment she ate sushi for the first time.

The moment I asked her why she liked me.

The moment she said it was because I make her happy.

The moment we went to my house.

The moment she met my parents.

The moment where all my parents could say was "WOW. She's pretty!" 

The moment we took blankets into the car because we were going to go see a show outdoors.

The moment we only brought one blanket.

The moment we held hands in the car.

The moment we snuggled under the same blanket.

The moment we held hands again.

The moment the first act ended.

The moment the second act started.

The moment I rested my head on her shoulder.

The moment I said "Hey guess what?"

The moment she said "What?"

The moment I kissed her on the cheek.

The moment I saw her blush.

The moment she asked me "Why did you do that?"

The moment I said "Why not?"

The moment we saw Timmy and Suzy after the show because they were in it.

The moment Timmy invited us to his house after the show.

The moment we ate ice cream and hot fudge.

The moment we watched Hairspray together with Timmy.

The moment we got back in the car to drive to her house.

The moment she grabbed onto my hand and wouldn't let go.

The moment it was silent but we didn't care. 

The moment I began to tell her that guys like me don't get guys like her.

The moment she interrupted me because nothing makes her more mad than guys saying that.

The moment I made it obvious that I was lying about what I was going to say.

The moment she said "Oh yeah? What were you going to say?"

The moment I said "I was going to say that I wanted to kiss you on the lips."

The moment I saw her blush... Again.

The moment I asked her what she was thinking.

The moment she said "I want to kiss you on the lips too."

The moment my heart raced.

The moment she said "But I'm not going to."

The moment I felt a little bit of defeat but I actually didn't feel that bad.

The moment she explained to me that kissing is a big deal for her and she'd rather wait.

The moment I was content with not kissing her because I hate rushing things.

The moment she told me that she made the first boy she kissed wait 8 months before he could kiss her.

The moment she told me that the second boy had to wait a year.

The moment she told me that this one might be different.

The moment she kissed my hand and left the car.

The moment I was happier than I had been in a long time.

The moment we hung out the next day.

The moment we ate breakfast together.

The moment we put hearts next to each other's names in our phones.

The moment we realized it was Friday the 13th and we should do something scary.

The moment we decided that Walmart was scary enough.

The moment she bought "The Fault in Our Stars"

The moment she told me she didn't have enough books to read.

The moment I recommended a book that I had.

The moment we went back to my house.

The moment I hugged her from behind in my garage.

The moment she snuck a kiss on my cheek.

The moment I blushed and told her she was cute.

The moment she said "Just like you."

The moment I dropped her back off at her house.

The moment she said "We should hang out again."

The moment I wanted to hang out again as soon as possible.

The moment I decided to write this post.

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There you go. There's my love story. Wow. 

Based off true events.

Your Stars

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now."

These lyrics ring in our head with the same familiar tune that came out a couple of years ago. Seems like it's been a lifetime, hasn't it?

"When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. ANYTHING your heart desires will come to you."

And it seems like a lifetime ago we all used to wish on stars and take a chance. We used to believe that instilling and putting all of our hopes in dreams in a star would make it happen. We used to believe that everything would be okay.

I know I've wished on countless airplanes and stars to see if just ONE of my wishes would come true.

Do you realize that every time you do wish on a star or airplane (most of the time) we don't say our wish out loud? 

We used to believe that when we did wish on our stars, the stars just knew what our wish was and what we wanted. 

What we needed.

We never needed to verbalize it because they knew. Every single star that you ever wished on that ever existed knew what you wanted.

Do you ever look up at the sky and see too many stars to count?

You do realize there are millions upon billions upon TRILLIONS of stars in space. Right?

That's more than enough for all of the people in the world tenfold. That's enough wishes granted for everyone in the world to be happy.

So why not?

There may be trillions of stars, but we only need 7 billion or so. We only need one good wish per person. 

You see, if you're a dreamer, you still believe that the stars know what you need and that wishes do come true.

THE STARS KNOW WHAT YOU NEED.

You may not even know what you need. But the stars do.

So just sit next to your Jiminy Cricket and him that same familiar tune. Whether it's Disney or B.o.B.

The stars know what you need. 

Make a wish.

Limbo

I feel like I'm in Limbo.

I'm in that state where I'm tired enough to fall asleep, but I keep telling myself to not. I'm not sure why I'm trying to stay awake though. 

I'm sitting on a silent plane listening to a playlist complied of really slow and emotional songs that make me emotional. I'm not talking to anybody. Somehow my friends got me to sit away from all of them. So I guess I'm "alone".

I tried watching the TV on the plane, but TV sucks and there's never anything good on. And all the good stuff that's on, I've already seen. There's apparently 3 more hours on this flight.

Back to Limbo. 

I guess I'm just thinking I guess. 

The first thing I'm thinking of is the woman sitting next to me. She won't stop looking at me and my TV screen... I turned it off... Thank God she went to sleep as I was writing that last sentence.

The second thing is that MY SEAT WON'T RECLINE. Damn.

(Okay let me get serious now)

(Ah yes. Turbulence. Perfect)

(Okay, now I'm serious)

Have you ever been in this state I'm in? It seems like your body makes it easier for thoughts to free fall through your head. The things that are free falling through my head are phrases and conversations I had this past week.

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

"I just love your blog." - J

"Take a chance." - N

"I want milk." - T

"Cha-Ching." - T

"I love you." - A

"It's all going to be ok." - A

"First things first, I'm a sethie." - R/S

"We're not dating." - Pretty much everyone

"I miss you still. Because we have not hung out." - E

"I will take a bucket of cold water..." - J

"I didn't know until just now how much I really do care about you." - C

"I miss you." - C

"Just hurry home, okay?" - C

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  

I don't know. I'm just free falling. In Limbo.

Worried

Wow.

It just came to my attention that I worry about a lot of things.

I'm worried about a beautiful girl that's more than 3000 miles away from me because she's having an "eh" day. 

I'm worried about TWO pairs of a boy and girl who are perfect for each other but nothing's happening.

I'm worried about being in a president position and having a whole class and department look up to me because I was selected to take on the role.

I'm worried about my best friends who may or may not be drifting away from me.

I'm worried that they're worried about me.

I'm worried that this post is going to make everyone think I'm crazy.

I'm worried that this post is going to make people realize that they're worried too.

I'm worried about my body because I gained way too much weight this year, and now I have stretch marks all over me like I've never seen and now I probably have no chance in getting that ONE role in that ONE show that fits me because people keep indirectly telling me that I'm too fat and ugly to play it.

I'm worried that people will look at this and roll their eyes.

I'm worried that my parents are worried about me.

I'm worried that they think I don't love them anymore. 

I'm worried that I'll become a person I don't want to be.

I'm worried that the future is a real thing.

I'm worried about America, because while I don't know everything that's going on, people talk about it and it worries me.

I'm worried about the kids in America right now because... Seriously?

I'm worried that one of my friends won't get the girl he cares so much about just because she's gonna be gone the whole summer.

I'm worried that my friends won't be happy.

I'm worried that my friend only hears the bad things I say about him and doesn't realize that regardless of all that I still love him.

I'm worried that regardless of a short distance parting us, I won't be able to see my best friend this whole summer.

I'm worried that my phone's going to die on this boat. 

I'm worried I'm going to die at an early age.

I'm worried that the people I mention in this post will know who they are.

I'm worried that people don't believe me when I tell them I love them.

I'm worried I'm going to cry on this boat.

I'm worried that chivalry is actually dead.

I'm worried that I won't get married.

I'm worried that I say sorry too much.

I'm worried that people misinterpret what I say.

I'm worried about the fact that 99 percent of the time I do something because I care about people, and the people I do it for don't seem to care.

I'm worried that one day I'm going to punch someone in the face.

I'm worried about the day I leave for college.

I'm worried about how distraught I'll be if my parents die.

I'm worried that therapy won't help my depression.

I'm worried that I'm making someone depressed.

I'm worried that this boat trip ends at 2 AM.

I'm worried that I won't get a job.

I'm worried that I spend too much money.

I'm worried that people think I'm a negative person.

I'm worried about my friends.

I'm worried about my family.

I'm worried about my teachers.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about ME.

I'm worried.

Thank You - Part II

To Nic Thomas,

Thank you. Thank you for seeing things the way they really are. Thank you for seeing me the way I truly am. Thank you for always having such a clear and vivid view on whatever is going on. Thanks for being someone I can turn to, because that's hard to find these days. Thank you for standing up for me. I've never felt so appreciated and loved before. Thanks for being one of the funniest people on the face of the planet, because heaven knows I need to laugh a lot. Thanks for always being a solid bro and being there when I need someone. Thank you.

To Rilee Crump,

Thank you. Thank you for being the only person I can handle sometimes. Which is all the time. I mean, I can handle you all the time. ANYWAYS. Thank you for being my friend. And I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. Because even though we're a year apart and I'm older than you I feel like I have to be way cool to hang out with you. Therefore, when I do hang out with you, I feel cool. Thank you for being beautiful on the inside and out. Thank you for being able to be crazy and hilarious one second, but if I needed it, you're able to calm down and listen. Look, I love you. So thank you.

To Miriam Edwards,

Thank you. Thank you for being so funny. Legitimately. You can always make me laugh! Thanks for always being real with me. Because I feel like some people can be very fake, but whenever you interact with me I feel like I'm interacting with the REAL you. And I love that about our friendship. I know that I don't know you the best, and I know that you don't know me the best, but I legitimately love you and appreciate you. And I'm grateful that you are who you are. Thank you.

To Timmy Ryan,

Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be your friend. Thank you for always being so kind and understanding towards me. I'm glad that we got to know each other through the course of doing shows together. Thank you for taking long drives until 3 AM in the morning with me, and thank you for facetiming me until around that same time. Thank you for always wanting to talk to me, it really means a lot. Thank you for just being you. And thank you for being one of the best friends I've ever had. Love you man.

To Tyler John, 

Thank you. Thank you for making me tougher than I've ever been. Thank you for being a friend when I need you. Thank you for listening to my problems even though you probably had better things to do during all that time. Thank you for showing me that the way to be happiest is to just be yourself. Thank you for still being my friend through all this time even though you have better and cooler friends. Thank you for being honest with me. Thank you.

To Hailey Brooks,

Thank you. Thank you for helping me through everything. Thank you for being a good friend to me regardless of the fact that I may or may not be a good friend to you. Thank you for trusting me with your stories and problems, and thank you for making me feel like I'm helping you. Thank you for the late nights, and for living across the street from me. Thank you for letting me be your best friend, because that means the world to me. Thank you for showing me what true confidence is. Thank you for showing me that it doesn't matter how you look, dress, speak, what music you listen to, etc. because people do look past that and they will love you regardless. Thank you.

To Jack Hoffer,

Thank you. Thank you for being one of the kindest people I've known and making one of the best impressions I've ever had. Thank you of being accretions of who I am because everyone knows that that is hard to find. Thank you for re-teaching me some morals that I had forgotten because I needed them. And thank you for laughing and being there when I need it. You're one of the best people I know and I can't thank you enough for everything. But I guess all I can say is thank you.

To Em Pew,

Thank you. Thank you for being the most caring and genuine person I've ever met. Thank you for not caring what other people say and judging people for them. Especially with me. That's a trait that we all need so very much. Thank you for being one of the only people I can really confide in because you treat my problems like real problems. Thank you for letting me dump my problems on you, and thank you for allowing me to do the same for you (even if I do it more to you). Thank you for being beautiful. Inside and out. Thank you for being a real friend. Thank you.

To Suzy Castleton,

Thank you. Thank you for being my best and only wingman I've ever had. And thanks for being a REALLY GOOD ONE. Thank you for being a person I can trust. And thanks for being someone who can be crazy with me one minute and then be willing to be real and serious the next. Thank you to listening to my problems and agreeing with me on a lot of them! Because we have the same views on the same subjects. Thanks for being an amazing actress. I love working and interacting with you. I love you. Thank you.

To Lessi,

Thank you. OH MY GOD THANK YOU. You've been my beautiful and amazing friend for so long. Thank you for letting me rest my head on your lap the first time we met. I know it was creepy, but what would our friendship be without it? Thank you for being the realest person I know and thank you for listen to me complain about certain things and certain people. Thank you for letting me cry in front of you. Because crying sucks and I would only do it in front of someone I trust and who I know wouldn't judge me because of it. Thank you for everything. I can't ask for anything more from you.

To Quin,

Thank you. Thank you for giving me self confidence that I would have never found without you, because you raise me up and you believe in me. Thank you for trusting me because I love hearing your stories. Your triumphs and defeats. Highs and lows. The whole thing. Thank you for caring about me and keeping in contact with me even after you moved. Thank you for being an attractive person and calling me attractive. Because I believe you. Because you are attractive... If that makes sense. Anyways. I love you. Thank you.

To Ashley,

Thank you. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for calling me your best friend. It means a lot. Thank you for always caring about me and worrying about me. It makes me feel like somebody cares. Not that other people don't care, but its amazing to know that it's you who cares about me. Thank you for hugging me and telling me you love me. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for those 3 hour phone calls that we're so famous for. Thank you for being someone I can always rely on. And thank you for always being willing to give advice. Thank you for always knowing what to say. Thank you.

To Chloe,

Thank you. Wow. I can't thank you enough. You've changed my life. Thank you for making me realize that you can really care for someone even if you don't know each other that well. Thank you for showing me that it's not only what's outside, but what's on the inside that counts. Thank you for showing me that two people can just be friends regardless of what their feelings are towards each other. Thank you for being the perfect example of the fact that you can't let life get you down. Thank you for showing me that no matter what happens, if you stay positive and don't let anything get you down, you can't get down. Thank you for showing me that you care about me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for hanging out with me. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you.

Him and Her

She is wonderful. She is beautiful, intelligent, smiles, everything that He needs. She is a ray of sunshine in a dark world. She is a breath of fresh air in a world that needs oxygen. There needs to be more people like her. She does anything and everything to make Him laugh, and it's adorable. Any guy would be lucky to have her, and she's in His grasp. 

He is wonderful. He smiles bigger than most people, and is a positive force. He knows how to make a lot of people laugh, not to mention Her. He's a hard egg to crack, but once you get past that, you realize that He is a wonderfully complete person with drive and passion. His eyes sparkle around Her and they know it. He laughs with Her at the jokes She makes and it's the same the other way around. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I care about Him and Her. And they may or may not read this post and they may or may not know it's about them. I don't know. All I know is they would be amazing together. They're both some of the most amazing people I've met and I hope they know that. I've never met other people like them. They're unique people in a place where being the same seems to be like a disease. Whether they understand the meaning of this post or not is not up to me. I guess all I can really say is this:

I love you guys.

-Bennett

(P.S. Happy Summer everyone!)