To You

"Big hearts have a lot to say but usually express themselves in 'I love you's"

Hey, it's okay. I love you. What kind of a friend am I to make you feel that way? You know something, as soon as I get my life together and I actually know what I'm talking about, then you can feel bad about what I said. As far as I'm concerned the fact that you have stayed my friend this long is proof enough that you deserve my respect. So there you go. I freaking love you so much, and Merry Christmas.

- Ardon

Crystal Clear

I remember the days when I reached out to you with my hand and then your fingers would intertwine with mine, and I remember thinking "Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe I can be happy."

I remember the first day I saw you and I thought "Wow, she's one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen." I remember saying to myself "No way, not in a million years." Then in a matter of days I was saying "Has it been a million years already?" 

I remember all the walks we took in the park because that was kind of our thing. I remember small kisses on the cheek.

I remember sitting on the computer with an empty blog post in front of me and filling it with feelings and expressions because you made me. Not directly of course, but you caused all of it.

I remember the day you said "I miss you," and I said to myself "Is this real life?"

I remember the day on the subway I wrote you that letter. 

I remember the days and weeks where I tried. I really did. I'm not mad but sad. I'm sad that it fell off. 

I remember you asking me "Where did you go?" And the only thought that was present in my mind was "This is all my fault and I miss you."

I remember wanting to talk but you were too busy.

I remember working up the courage to write this post.

I still remember all the feelings and memories you gave me.

I remember wanting it back.

I still do. 

Stream of Consciousness

Well, I hope you're ready for this. This stream of consciousness is for the brave only. Cause it's super long.

I wish I meant as much to someone as he does to her.

I wish I meant as much to someone as she does to him.

I wish I meant something.

Sometimes you just need a hug.

Sometimes you're alone for too long on a Saturday and you just wonder "What the hell am I doing?"

And then you say "Nothing"

Then you proceed to drown yourself in goldfish, YouTube and Netflix and it kind of stops... But it doesn't.

That feeling that the reason nobody texts you is because nobody likes you.

The reason nobody stays on the phone with you until 1 in the morning is because it doesn't actually matter how you feel.

The reason your family didn't take you shopping is because they don't like you.

The reason that it was absolutely silent at Thanksgiving is because your family is broken anyway.

The reason you sit there and say "Why don't girls think I'm attractive" and you know it's because of the damn goldfish, YouTube and Netflix.

People say you're wrong.

They say you're too harsh on yourself.

They say "Hey get over it."

They say "I'm here for you."

Or maybe they just don't say anything at all.

Well, here we are, and it is yet another day where I write a blog post that shows all my feelings.

Then my friends will read it, and they won't bring it up because it's weird to see an 18 year old walking down the hall and knowing that he isn't happy, so they just don't say anything.

"I want a person that's like this"

"How about me?"

"We're just too good of friends"

(Too damn relatable)

Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot. When people actually say that, they mean they want the PERSON THEY ALREADY LIKE TO BE LIKE THAT. Because too many people are too shallow to not like the person that everyone likes.

#HighSchool

Current status: 4 Ebolas. 

Not as bad as I was when I was first asked that question, but 4 Ebolas is too damn much. 

I am Ebola.

Here's the thing, I love all of you, but I also hate all of you. 

The funny thing is, is that you'll read that sentence, and the only part of that sentence that actually meant anything to you was the hate part. WTF. Look at the bright side.

I guess I'm one to talk.

So many beautiful people in the world wasting their time being the opposite.

Stop being a shitty person. 

I need to stop being a shitty person.

I apologize for being a shitty person.

We all need to. 

Hormones suck.

I really thought everything, at least from my point of view, would change when I turned 18. Well, life likes to bite us in the ass with "PSYCH"

Life's a bitch.

Recording music is fun.

"The Prince of Egypt" is so good.

This blog post is the opposite.

If you have literally made it this far, I take back everything I said about people being shallow and shitty.

Well, what I mean is, you're not shallow and shitty.

I love you.

I really do.

Love is so damn beautiful.

The end of "How I Met Your Mother" pissed me off.

But I love love so much.

Sincerely,

The boy who has absolutely no idea why this is on his blog.

Aromas

I decided to wake up at 5:45 in the morning today. Simply because my friends proposed that we go to a coffee shop early in the morning so we could be awake before we tackle the day and also do some homework. The way my school year is this year, I don't really have any homework, but they're some of my best friends, so I'll wake up for them.

Well. Here I am.

"Be there at 6:30!"

"Okay, I'll be there!"

It's 6:41. Now, I didn't write this post to very indirectly get angry at my friends. I think that's stupid to do. But it was interesting because when I walked in, I seemed to be the only one at the coffee shop. There was easygoing music playing in the background, it was definitely more warm on the inside than on the outside of this shop. I stood for a second kind of baffled by the fact that I was the only person I knew that was around. The sound of coffee beans grinded and I heard microwaves going off.

Was this the beginning to a really hipster horror movie? Maybe so. It'd be called something like "Pumpkin Dead Latte" *insert forced laughter here because that actually wasn't funny*

Luckily, something broke my paralyzation. A worker walked in from around the corner wiping his hands with a rag and he said "Hey there!" and I responded with a quiet little "Hey." and he replied enthusiastically with "What can I get for you?" And I just simply told him "Oh, I'm just waiting for some friends. I'll get something when they get here." "No problem, you have a nice day!"

It's kind of funny, isn't it? How scarce nice days are. Most of the time I see my friends, they're all either tired or depressed or lonely or something of that sort and I get to sit there and say "I'm sorry." If that worker actually had the power to give me a good day, I'm sure he would. If I had the power to give all my friends nice days, I believe I really would do that for them. I think that if anyone had that kind of power, they'd make everyone have good days. There's a part of all of us that just wants everyone to be happy.

And I guess all of us can make people happy. We can do it by making dumb hipster horror movie jokes, or by running and falling in the middle of your sentence to cheer someone up. Offering a hand, a hug, a kiss, offering the rest of your life to someone are things we all have the power to do.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that nice days aren't the best days. They're really good and better than most days, but they're not amazing. It's not that hard to have a day be nice.

So, reader, I challenge you! You could be having a really rough day today, and I get that. Life happens and gets in the way of being happy. I get it.

But I challenge you to make someone's day nice.

Do it. Then see what happens.

Here's Another Post About You

I'm not lying when I tell you you're beautiful.

I'm not lying when I say I love you.

I'm not trying to pull your leg or be a dick.

I mean it all from the bottom of my soul.

Because whether you realize it or not, you mean a lot more to me than you think.

And if that's not enough, it's fine.

But I love you.

You can put a smile on my face without fail. 

I've hardly ever resented you for anything, which is hard to do because I resent some of what my friends do.

You might hurt me but I hurt you just as much.

I know at the end of the day you care about me.

I need you in my life.

You're one of my best friends and I love you so much.

Love,

-Ardon.

Happy Birthday To Me

"What do you want for your birthday?"

I don't know. I've been too busy for the last 18 years hearing everyone not caring about my birthday because it's the day before Halloween. I guess in turn, I've joined the crowd and stopped caring about my birthday.

There's gonna be a huge Halloween party on my birthday that I planned because I just didn't care anymore.

I guess to answer the question, I'll make a list.

Things I want for my birthday:

1. A girlfriend

2. Less depression

3. The golden rule to be more of a thing

4. My friends to be happy

5. My friends to be happy

6. My friends to be happy

7. My friends to be happy

8. My friends to be happy

9. My friends to be happy

10. My friends to be happy

Who Are You Really?

"I think you could fall in love with anyone really. All you have to do is watch them when you're alone."

Being alone isn't exactly one of my strong suits. I don't like doing it, but sometimes I'm "forced" to, you know? 

I don't necessarily know if anyone would fall in love with me if they saw what I do alone. I don't do anything bad, it's just... Me. I sit around my house and play Skyrim, eat food, and sing musical theater tunes. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I take a shower just cause. I know for a fact that I talk to my self A LOT. That might scare people away.

The thing that I think makes this quote beautiful is the fact that if you watch someone without them knowing (without being a creep), you're seeing them at their most human state. With nobody to impress or talk to, that's who they are. I know myself well enough to the point that I know who I am when I'm alone.

I know that I don't like being alone at all. But I look at being alone as a blessing in disguise. I might not like it, but it's a time when I can truly be myself and anything that I want to happen can pretty much happen. Of course, then I proceed to invite friends to share in the feelings I feel when I'm alone.

Maybe I'm always alone, and I actively let people observe me. Who knows?

The question I want to know is, "Who are you?"