To My Future Wife

To my love,

Hi! 

You know, I'm 17 right now and the reason I'm writing you (now) is because I've been watching a lot of movies and TV shows where people are just in love and they tell all these things to their significant others, and I said "You know what, I feel like that too but I don't know who to share it with!"

Obviously I picked you since I will be married to you. I don't know who you are yet, but boy I'm a lucky one.

Let me just say that I love you with all of my heart. You're perfect in every way. 

I know that you know nobody is perfect. And I love how you always tell me you're not perfect even though to me, you're the most perfect person I've ever met. And that's why I love you. Because you know that I know. And I'm okay with knowing that. Just as long as YOU KNOW that I think you're perfect.

You know, I can't wait until after our wedding when we get to go to bed. 

Don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I have slept in a queen size bed my whole life, and you know what? It sucks to do that alone. I can't wait until the day where I get to sleep next to you and just know you're there. To be able to hold your hand or wrap my arms around your body. I can't wait until I know that as long as we both live, I'll never be alone.

I'm also way excited to have kids!

Again, don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I love the idea of creating a life and being able to raise a child as our own. I really hope it's a girl. I really do. Not to say that I wouldn't love a boy but I REALLY want to have a little baby girl.

I just have one favor to ask you though.

If and when we do have a little girl, I want to have the privilege to name her. Obviously I acknowledge that you are the one that has to carry the baby and eventually give birth. We can have 100 kids and you can name ALL of them. That's totally fine with me! I just ask that you allow me to name our first girl, and I want her name to be this:

Lea Marie Smith.

Lea because Lea Michele (don't judge, okay?), Marie because that name has been running in my family for years, and Smith because... Well... Yeah.

I vow to always sweep you off of your feet. Literally. Everyday. I give way good hugs and I will lift you off the ground, this, sweeping you off of your feet.

I vow to always listen. I have always prided myself on being there for other people, and I know that I love and care about you enough to say with 100% certainty that I will always be there for you to listen. Always. I don't care if it's something as petty as not being able to find a diaper. I want you to know that I am interested in your feelings and I will always want to listen.

I vow to always love you. I mean, I married YOU for a reason right? I hope you married me for the same reason. Whether or not we go through a divorce, fights, or anything else that may or may not affect our relationship, know that I love you with all of my heart and I will love you every day that you walk on the earth. I love you. YOU. And I love you so so so so much. You're amazing. I love you. 

Anyways, that was a letter to you. Maybe you'll actually read it one day. Or maybe you're reading it right now. Regardless of that, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are and for loving me. You have no idea how much I need you.

Love,

-Ardon

For Lack of a Better Post

You know, I've realized as of recent, that most of the time it feels like my heart is burning a hole in my chest. And I've been so emotional to the point where I don't know how I'm feeling anymore. One of those teenager things I guess.

The only thought that seems to pop into my head is "GOD. Life sucks."

And my blog posts haven't been that great so I apologize for that. I guess it's because I want to say these things but i don't know how else to say them.

Have you ever talked to someone you really cared about and you asked them "Hey, how are you?" And then try proceed to tell you what's going on in their life, and then they're done and there's a silence.... And in your head you're just like... "I'm fine, thanks for asking."

#me

Life has gotten to the point where I literally break down in tears every time I hear the following lyrics:

"I have wings and I can fly."

"Solla Sollew"

"And maybe now you'll know I care for you."

"I was just a no one only yesterday."

"Or a stair to the sky."

"Somebody's thinking different than us."

"Now little egg, you're alone in the universe too."

"Now for once, I've done something right."

"Notice me Horton."

Anyways. That was a blog post. Hope you enjoyed. You are truly amazing if you've made it this far in the post and haven't scoffed and started doing something else. 

Solid job.

Love,

-Ardon

My Life at This Point

This is the only way I know how to escape.

To escape from the pains and sorrows of REAL life. 

Writing. So here goes:

I'm exhausted. And YES. It's because I'm in a youth theater production. 

"Wow Ardon. That's like... The most unimpressive thing to be exhausted over."

Yeah, I know. But here's the thing.

Have you ever loved something? Like the actual act of doing something? Playing an instrument or running or playing video games or sports? 

And you know when you love that something to the point where you stress yourself over it because you want to be perfect? You WANT to be perfect at it, and you kind of WANT to exhaust yourself over it. 

That's kind of what this youth production is for me. I hope you come see it 'cause it truly is amazing.

It makes me happy. So yay.

Also, aside from that, I miss HER. The girl from my love story. Yeah. She's great. Perfect even. 

I guess that's another thing I love that I want to be perfect for. 

She makes me happy. So yay.

Everything is so exhausting.

But I guess I would only exhaust myself if it was worth it.

All For You

I wish you were here.

I wish you were here so that we could fill empty days with best friend fun. I wish life was like this:

I wish I could just invite you over and we could watch a movie that we both want to watch or something.

I wish that I could just show up to your house with ice cream so that I could make you feel better. 

And I wish that if I needed it, you were there to give me a hug. 'Cause I love you so so so so so so much. 

You're my best friend and I wouldn't trade you for anything. 

Do you realize that you're one of my only friends (maybe even the only friend) that has stayed with me since middle school AND I DON'T feel like you hate me or anything? 

That's why I always want to see you and hug you and love you because YOU ARE THE BEST FRIEND IVE EVER HAD. 

And you don't think my problems are dumb and you'll always listen and you'll always give the advice I NEED not the advice I WANT. 

Oh my God I love you so so so much.

And I can't believe how beautiful you are. Your smile makes me smile because it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. 

Anyways, this is too long, but I can't get over how amazing you are. I love you.

Love,

-Ardon

The Questions That Will Never Be Answered

Why do I try?

Why was I born?

Why do I treat people the way I do?

Why do I say that I understand people but I told my best friend I didn't understand her feelings?

Why do I care so much what other people think?

Why don't I care about my family as much as I care about my friends?

Why am I afraid of posting this post?

Why do I feel like practically nobody loves me?

Why do I smother people?

Why do I drive people away with my feelings?

Why do I hurt the people I care about without realizing it?

Why did I fall in love with her?

Why do I love someone else now?

Why do I feel like crying all the time?

Why don't I believe in myself?

Why do I look for validation?

Why do I over think things?

Why can't I realize that me writing this post IS overthinking things?

Why AM I writing this post?

Why can't someone just hug me?

Why do I feel so much for people?

Why do I want to help other people so much but I won't waste a second trying to help myself?

Why don't I think it'll get better?

Why do I miss so many people who live just 5 minutes away from me?

Why don't I miss the people who live thousands of miles away from me?

Why don't I just end this post?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Truth

What has the world come to

When a girl like her

Falls in love 

With a guy like him

Only to get her heart broken?

I don't know.

But it isn't right.

Love, 

Ardon

Don't Worry, These Are Just Thoughts

The warm water fell and hit all over my body. As I sat there with one leg extended while the other was folded underneath it, I thought "This is so stereotypical."

DEPRESSED TEENAGER SITS AND CRIES IN SHOWER

Yeah.

But I decided to sit there and close my eyes. The warm water ran down my face and I started to lose track of what was shower water and what was tears. 

I started to imagine being back in Florida and recalling that I had done this once before. I remember being a young kid sitting out in the rain just staring at nothing because I had no friends. That was due to the fact that I was fat, loud and obnoxious. 

Weird how some things never change.

Then as the water turned from warm to cool I had found myself fully laid out and I thought to myself "Is this what death feels like?"

People say that death is peaceful and you don't suffer anymore. There had never been a time in my life where I had felt more peace and less suffering. 

I know. I was taking a shower.

But if that is how death feels then that is the way I want to go out. I don't want to die for glory. I don't want to die doing the thing I love. I don't want to die in some extravagant way. I don't want to die in front of millions of people and have people remember how haunting my death was. And I'm NOT saying I want to die.

No. 

But if I could choose, I'd die in the rain.

(P.C. Of Hailey Brooks)

To Those that Didn't Have Plans Today

I decided to take a walk down the street today to that little opening/clearing/whatever you call it that let's me see the valley.

Literally the only perk of living on a mountain is that clearing so I can sit there on the Fourth of July.

This "Fourth of July valley viewing" was kind of nice because I went when everybody else had already seen fireworks at around 9 or 10 pm. So I was all alone and it was really peaceful and quiet. It was also nice because I was wrapped in the warmth of the blanket I had gotten from my prom date this last year. (It's still my favorite blanket) So I was actually having a decent time.

It's always kind of surreal for me to look down at the valley because I feel like I'm watching random people and they don't even know it. As I look down, of course, I see fireworks erupt at various points in the sky (which I am above). I also see the lights from all the cities twinkle. I see cars driving by and I see police sirens and I just... Look. 

Then I decided to glance away from the exploding and burning fireworks that are down in the valley and I decide to look up at the sky and look at what's really exploding and burning. 

But then I realize that I've already wrote two posts about stars and that a third post is just overkill, you know?

Then I decided to look in myself and see what's exploding and burning in there. My heart. I closed my eyes and focused on my heart, and I realized something. Me and my heart had been through everything together. 

I know my heart is an organ, but just humor me, okay?

You know when you're feeling an indescribable feeling and someone asks you how you're feeling and you tell them that you're fine because you actually have no idea how to put into words what you are ACTUALLY feeling? 

Same.

Then I realized something else in this short interlude of my life that I spent outside on the Fourth of July. I only wanted to see two people. At this time I only wanted to share this national holiday with TWO PEOPLE. I've interacted with so many people in my life but at this time, in this moment, I only wanted to see two people.

The first one I know will read this, so hi. I didn't get to actually see you at all this summer which makes me really sad because I love you so so so so much and you're all the way across the country right now. Which, by the way, you have to tell me how spending the Fourth of July in D.C. Is. Is it something to go on my bucket list? Anyways, I know that things aren't that great or easy right now for you and I wish you were here even just for a couple of minutes so that we could share at least one moment this summer. Not to say that it's all about me and that I should be your number one priority in life. No. I guess I'm just saying I miss you. 

Now the second person will probably not read this but that's fine. We had made plans to spend this night with each othe but then she got surprised with tickets to the Stadium of Fire so that's awesome! Anyways, I want to spend time with her because I've never met anyone who I can be happy with all the time. Mostly the reason that is is because I get sad around certain people because of the way my brain works, but my brain seems to work a different way around her. And so does my heart. I feel happy, nervous, anxious, excited, confused, clueless, blind, and in love all at the same time. And it's one of those feelings where (even though I just kind of described it) I can't really describe it. I love everything that our relationship holds. I love how we can both be thinking different things and moving at different paces but it doesn't matter because we're cool like that. And I really like you, heck, I love you! And I really don't know if you like me back. Or at least in the same way. But like I said, it's okay. Whenever I'm with you I'm so focused on you and getting to know you so that doesn't even matter. THATS why I want to spend the Fourth of July with you. On this opening. At 11:35 PM. Even though you probably have work tomorrow.

Well, I didn't have plans today so there you go.

-Ardon

(P.S. Happy Independence Day everyone!)