Kingdoms (Inspired by Emily Ruth Pew)

You know what? I'm a king. A king of what, you ask? Well... A... A kingdom.

In reality, we're all kings and queens. We rule over our hearts. And as kings and queens we determine who enters our kingdom. We hold that power. And even though we are the kings and queens, we have little power over what people do when they enter our kingdom.

Once they are there, what was once held by us as power is now viewed as vulnerability. And people can choose whether or not they stay in our kingdom. 

They can also choose whether or not they stab us in the back.

Once people have entered your kingdom, they can see all that you've gone through. And all that you long for and they can view the most raw emotions that you feel. I mean, it is your heart. They can see that your kingdom is in turmoil, and they realize that's why you've let them in. To see if they have the slightest chance of rebuilding your broken kingdom.

We've all let people's past our walls and into our kingdoms. We've all been in other people's kingdoms, we've all been left alone in our kingdoms, and we've all left other people's kingdoms. People have decided to stab us in the back. Right in our own kingdom. 

A lot of people have closed their gates. They know it's not worth it to have people allowed in their kingdom anymore. Either they don't want to have the same thing happen to them, or they don't want to have other people deal with their kingdom. It's their kingdom, it's their problem!

Right?

If anything, I have been stabbed and left by almost anyone I've held close, and my gates should be locked with a HUGE LOCK. I've endured so much pain because my kingdom is like a theme park.

The fact that my kingdom gates are wide open shock me.

(Inspired by Emily Ruth Pew)

Mess-Up

I messed up today. I messed up big time. Why I did what I did, I don't know. How I'm going to fix it? I can't. The damage is done and no matter how many times I try to pick up the pieces, it will just dissolve and leave my fingertips whispering soft reminders of what I did. 

But I can at least say I'm sorry. And I am. 

I'm sorry. 

Discarded

You know when you've had a shirt for a long time? Or an old toy or something? And it just gets... Faded? Beat up? Forgotten?

It's almost like you get that toy and you LOVE IT SO MUCH. But only for a couple of weeks. Or just a couple days. Or even an hour. 

Everything grows old. 

Toys, clothes, buildings, cheese (Ew). These are all things that grow old, and we eventually throw them away. Because
they're not worth anything to us anymore. They don't fit, or they don't work the way they used to. So we cast them aside and forget about them.

It's so easy to throw away a toy. 

Is it as easy to throw away a friend?

When they've gotten too old? When they don't work the way they used to? When they bore you?

It's easy.

    It's eas

        It's e

            It'

                I

The Night I Danced With a Paraplegic

Here's something you might not know about me...

I hate school dances.

I don't hate them because I hate dancing or because I hate big smelly rooms full of high school kids trying to grind on each other. NO. It's not that.

(Actually it is that.)

But I got the opportunity to go to a school dance one day! It was so long ago that I'm surprised I remember. It was way back when.

It was last week.

Anyways, it was a girl's choice dance, so I got asked by this really nice, fun, and pretty girl. She asked me in that Utah way where you have to ask someone in this elaborate way. I'm sorry, but why is that a thing? Can't we all just nervously go up to someone and say "Um... Can you... Maybe... If you wanted... There's this thing... Where you go into... A... Gym and just... Uh... Dance?"

Where have our roots gone?


So, anyways, we went to dinner (which was way nice and fun) and then we drove over to the dance. Oh, by the way, our driver almost killed us.

Can I just say that I need to exercise more? I danced through a song and I almost died afterwards. ONE GODDAMN SONG and I was already out for the count!

But anyways, we were at the dance, and I started to slowly realize that this would not be like any other dance I had ever been to. The thing was, my date couldn't dance... Or walk.

Well, she could, but she was in a wheelchair for the dance. She got surgery on her legs or something like that, and I remember her telling me that "The reason I'm walking like this is because I just barely got surgery." And I replied "Well, are going to be able to dance at the school dance this week?" And she said "Oh crap! I totally forgot about that!"

I felt two things when she told me that.

1. YESSSSS I DONT HAVE TO DANCE AT THE DANCE! I hate dancing. Not that I don't love BIG SMELLY ROOMS FULL OF HIGH SCHOOL KIDS TRYING TO GRIND ON EACH OTHER. No, it's not that, but school dances have just never been my strong suit.

2. Aww man. This really kind of sucks. She's a great dancer and I don't want her to miss out! She may not be able to walk now, but when she can dance, she can bust a move!

Regardless, we went to the dance and we asked for a wheelchair. The school principal was more than happy to help, and we were graciously accommodated. 

So we're just dancing to Lady Gaga or One Direction or something (every other song), and we're having a great time. Then "I Wont Give Up" comes on, and that song is pretty much the epitome of songs you slow dance to. 

There was a moment where we both thought "Well what are we going to do about this?" 

My first impulse was just to grab her hands and step side to side. So I did that, but... Then I realized something. Even though she had no real strength to dance with her legs, she danced harder and had a lot more fun than half the people at the dance. Even though she was in pain every time someone bumped into her legs, or every time she walked after her surgery, she still found a way to put a beautiful smile on her face. I was so grateful to experience this, because it really made me believe that people who had REAL strength existed. That made me really happy.

The fact that half the people there gave her a lap dance was really funny too. 

Thanks again,

-Bennett

Snap, Flash, and Print

"Cheese!" 

Oh damn it all! Someone just took this hideous picture of me. Despite being somewhat embarrassed I half laugh and I go over to them and I say "Let me see this picture!" And they show it to me...

Sure as hell, it's ugly. 

My friend is laughing their head off "Omg mess." (And I quote that by the way) 

I'm over it though. I mean, it wasn't the WORST picture of me... 

At least I hope not.

---------------------

Now, it's a different day, and I'm with another one of my friends. I find myself in a situation in which the tables have turned. I pulled out my phone, pointed it at her and I said "Smile for the camera!" 

FLASH

Well (regardless of the fact that she was stunning), her immediate reaction was to turn away, but luckily, I got it just before she could completely turn. And as I looked at the picture, it was one of the most beautiful pictures I had ever seen. She had a look of being surprised and happy all at the same time, and her long hair was whipping around her head. 

She had a beautiful smile on her face.

She commanded "Let me see it!" And I proceeded to turn my phone screen towards her and an utter look of HORROR consumed her face. 

"Delete that right now!" 

And I replied laughing "Oh come on it's cute!" 

"No it's hideous!"

"You look beautiful!"

This minuscule spatter continued for a little bit. Then she convinced me to delete the photo off of my phone after a little pleading. 

---------------------

But when I returned home, I got to thinking...

How distorted are our minds to think that we are no longer beautiful? 

What caused all this? Was it the crude remarks we got as children from classmates that didn't know better? Was it the fact that even though, back then, we couldn't really fathom emotions? The truth that regardless of how naive we were, we were influencing a future person? These things aren't apparent to 5 and 6-year olds.

But the scars remain.

Nothing changes what happened.

But we determine what CAN happen.

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You know, sometimes the eyes in which we see through can be distorted. But is it really our eyes? Or is it the mirror we choose to look through?

The Sun

Every day, I wake up in the morning,

I take a second to look at the sun rise over the top of the mountains

I didn't start until this year, but I never knew

What REAL appreciation was until this had happened.

The sun brightens my day. Literally.

Now, all that aside, the sun is a marvelous thing

It can stand for so much. Beauty, happiness, warmth.

Or sometimes you hear that Beatles song come on, and you sing.

The sun lets me see everything around me more clearly

Nothing beats that moment when the sun rises in the morning

And sometimes the clouds, the rain, the snow, tornadoes, and hurricanes can block it

But the sun is always there, just supporting life as we know it.

We revolve around the sun because the sun is what keeps us going

The sun is what keeps us alive

The sun is just a big ball of gas

Which spins the earth around for a ride

The sun is life

The sun is true

But my sun isn't in the sky

My sun is YOU.

Changing Brains

I have two things that have been with me my whole life.

Literally. My whole life.

These "things" aren't material things. They are living, breathing, and amazing. They are the most wonderful and priceless things that I have the joy of living with, and they have always been there for me. Whenever things get rough, or I need to cry, I find them and I let everything out. I could not ask for anything more.

Yet... I have endured endless ridicule for having them.

Well, I guess they had me. They are my parents. And, unfortunately, they don't have a life that people would desire. You see, my parents have a disability. It's not something that can stop them from every day things. It's not a condition, it's not a disorder. It's just that there's a little part of their brain that just doesn't function that prevents them from hearing.

Yes, my parents are deaf.

Yes, they can drive. Yes, you can talk to them. And YES, I know sign language.

"Wow that's really cool! Sign something for me!"

That is one of the phrases I will just have to get used to hearing because I don't think it's going to go away any time soon.

They work at a deaf company that designs, programs, and manufactures video phones for deaf people to be able to communicate. My father is a graphic designer for the company, and my mom is the head trainer (although she does a lot more than asked).

My father graduated from the University of Tampa with a Graphic Design major and an Associate's Degree. Also, my mother graduated from Gallaudet University in Washington D.C. with a Computer Science major and a Bachelor's Degree.

I know. Such an achievement, right?

People fail to understand that deaf people can do anything except hear.

Unfortunately, that is not where the ignorance stops. To this day, I still hear the crude remarks made about my parents from my closest friends. And from people whom I did not even tell that my parents were deaf.

"Did you hear about this new movie that came out? Well I guess your parents didn't!"

Yeah. But does it really shock you?

People love to tear down weaknesses they find in people. Some people do it, and don't mean harm by it. Some people do it to build their confidence.

Some people do it just for the hell of it.

Once you light a match in the forest, the wildfire spreads quickly, and it spreads out of control. You can put out a fire. You can re-plant trees and grow grass, but you can't give back a part of a person's heart. Without them, I wouldn't have a heart to be ripped and torn.

My parents are deaf. 

The thing is... I can't change it.

One part of me wishes my parents weren't deaf. The rest of me wishes that people wouldn't ridicule ME for something that I had no control over. I didn't exist when this happened. But the fact that I wish I didn't exist now is a problem.

Nothing stops parents' love. Absolutely nothing.

My parents are minorities. So, in theory, that's like making fun of me because my parents are African-American. In case you didn't know, Nazis didn't just hate the Jewish race, they hated everything that was different from them. My father had a Nazi grandma who would punish him for using sign language at the table. His hands would be lambasted, and then he was forced to sit on his hands for the remainder of the meal.

My mother was born in Guatemala, and at the age of three, she had to leave Guatemala by herself and live in Florida. Away from her parents. There was no deaf education in Guatemala, so my grandparents sent her to Florida School for the Deaf. Then once my mother was about fourteen, she moved back to Guatemala, only to not be accepted. People called her a whore and slut right to her face, and what was she to do about it. First of all, she could not hear, and second of all, she didn't understand Spanish.

I know, I know. Sob story. Boo hoo. You probably don't give a shit that I have deaf parents.

But you know what? My parents made it. They went through high school, college, and now they have a family that loves them, a son that embraces the culture, and they have jobs where they love what they are doing.

And the thing is... I wouldn't change it.

Myself.

Hey.

Hey.

I don't know why I'm talking to you.

Probably because you're alone. And nobody else will.

But I'm not alone.

And yet here we are.

Guess you have a point. 

Nobody knows you better than I do.

So tell me. Why are things the way they are?

Because this is the way that life treats you.

But why?

If I knew the answer to that, you wouldn't be feeling this way, now would you?

I'm just upset.

About what?

I. Don't. Know.

Then how am I supposed to help?

Who said I needed help?

Well.. You are the one that's talking to yourself.

Who Am I?

Who am I?

24601?

No that can't be it. That's like... Hugh Jackman or Alfie Boe. Or Ramin Karimloo.

Whatever, that's not me.

Then... Who am I? I mean, really. I want to know. Because I'm having a hard time finding out my identity. Yes, you can give me an ID that will tell you everything about me. I'm Bennett Franklin, I go to Lone Peak High School, I am "this height" with "this color of eyes" and with "this amount of pounds."

But I want to get to know the real me.

Yeah, I know. I don't even know who I am. I'm legitimately soul searching.

And I am as lost as hell.

This trip that I'm taking with myself feels like it's been going on forever. I don't know if it really is going to stop any time soon.

I've spent (almost) all of my life looking for the good in other people. Finding things about them that made me happy and made me want to be around them.

But I haven't spent any time finding the good in me.

Do I regret looking for the good in other people? No. I love so many people now because of it.

But I don't love myself.

You know, it's funny. I never thought this would happen to me, but I found myself legitimately crying in one of the school's bathrooms today. It all became so much and I found out that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see myself positively. I tried going to the counseling office, but nobody was there.

Maybe that was a sign.

Maybe that is the world telling me that this is something that nobody else can help.

This is me.

This is my problem.

This is Who I Am.

Fear

It all seeps in around me and I start to realize more and more that I'm face to face with it. I feel as though a dark shadow has cast itself over my heart and over my mind. I can't think straight and I'm trembling. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Locked away and trapped, the feeling is real. It's there. I see it in front of me. Except... It's not really there. Well, it is, but nothing is physically here. I seem to be in a murky and dirty room, with a light source that seems to not be coming from anywhere in particular. There is an odor stronger than anything I've ever smelt, and it's not a good smell. I gag and my body wants me to throw up, but there's nothing in my body to force out. 

Then I start to lose feeling in my body. My voice won't work no matter how hard I try. I can't move, I can't feel, I can't smell the horrific stench that once came from the room. All of my senses have abandoned me except for one of them. My sight. I can still see that the room is dimly lit and it is slowly fading away to the darkest shade of black. More black than anything I have ever seen. 

Then... Everything that I could once see, feel, hear, touch, taste, and smell is nonexistent. There is nothing physicall there... But I am still here. I'm still conscious and alive but I'm powerless in every aspect of being a human. 

That's what I fear.

Dear... You.

Look, I have no idea if you will ever read this. And if you do, I don't even know if you will think that I'm talking to you. But I want to say this. I want to.

I love you more than a friend, but less than for me to go crazy about you. Well, I am crazy about you, but I don't want you in that way. I don't need a relationship from you. 
I just love you. And that's that.

I think that you are fantastic and that you should never change. You know what? Screw the people that tell you that you are less than you are, because you are more than I'll ever be. I can't stand it when people degrade themselves, but if you do it, I feel like my soul is crippled. 

Nothing means more to me than your happiness. Nothing. 

We don't talk as much as I'd like us to talk, and that's fine. I get it. You have other amazing friends, and I know that they are great people. But I swear on my life, I will be your rock if that's what you need. 

I will go to the ends of the earth to get what you want. I will make all the money in the world so that you can be happy. 

I will drive to your house and talk for five minutes, if that's what you want. 

You're my best friend. 

I can call you whenever I need, and you're there. 

You can run into my school crying and I would hold you forever. Because I care that much about you.

Things can get tough in anyone's life, but nobody else can live the days you've lived. And I tell you what, I can't believe how strong you are to have lived through all the shit you've lived through.

If I told you that you were one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen, would you believe me? Because you are. I don't tell people that unless they are. I'll tell you every day if that's what it takes to get you to believe me.

You make me unbelievably happy. That's why I probably want to see you a lot. That's why I text you in the morning and hang out with you until the night. You make me a lot happier than I make you, and I really appreciate that.

I just miss you and love you. The stuff that we have gone through together, I will never forget. And I love you. Still. You've changed my life more than any other person I can think of. You've helped me to discover the beauty in anything and everything. That means the world. 

Do you like how I picked this fab color to write to you in? 

I want you to go and have that boy be your boyfriend. He's a great guy, and you're an amazing girl. You deserve him more than anything. He's not a prize to be won, but you know! I promise that I will do everything and anything if you want me to. He's a good guy. A 12 in that jacket.

I want you to have that boy be your boyfriend too. He's adorable, and so are you. Like I said, nothing matters to me more than your happiness, and I wish he would stop whatever he's doing right now and just go up to your door and kiss you. That would be amazing. That would make me so happy! I want to see you happy, just remember that. 

You are a fantastic performer. When I see you doing what you do, I can't look at anyone else because you are so good. I wish I could be as talented as you.

You are an amazing person. I actually get shocked whenever I hear you say something negative because that never happens. You always manage to stay so positive, and that's one of the things I admire the most about you.

You are a fantastic writer and friend. I can't get over that we used to not talk to each other. I'm so glad we are friends because I don't know what I'd do without you.

You mean so much to me.

I just want to let you know that I love you and nothing will change that. My happiness will never be more important than yours. If I had to choose between you being happy and me being happy, I would choose you every time. Just remember that.