3:00 AM

I don't understand why nice people have to finish last.

Because in order to succeed in this world you have to be mean. You have to lie, cheat, and steal.

I know. I just wish the world didn't have to be that way.

I know. Me too. But good things happen.

Yeah, I know they do.

I mean, your life is turning around.

Yeah... I just...

What?

I just hate that the world is so attracted to negativity.

What do you mean?

I mean like... There could be a kid in Alpine, Utah who goes and wins the Olympics and people will care, but they don't for a long time. And I mean, yeah you go on through life and move past things like that, but that will be celebrated for ten minutes. BUT if little five-year-old Billy steals a cookie from the cookie jar, everyone flips their shit and won't stop talking about it for weeks.

Ha ha, yeah I guess you're right. 

You're laughing but it's true.

I know it's true.

But WHY?

I wish I could tell you! But I can't.

Yeah, I know... I know.

Thank You - Part I

Hello everyone. I'm usually kind of self-conscious when I write posts like this because I feel like a lot of my blogging friends do them. But you know, these are feelings I gotta let out, and I really want to blog about it.

Before I start I just want to say something. This year has been happy, catastrophic, wonderful, hell, joyous, distressing, and stressful all at the same time. Well, here's the thing. There's a lot of people that without them, I wouldn't be here. Literally would be dead. So I just wanted to express my gratitude towards them because they're amazing people.

THIS POST IS DIRECTED SPECIFICALLY TOWARDS MY SENIOR FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

Because I figured, well, they're going away and they should have a specific post directed only towards them. This is kind of like my graduation/goodbye post. I'll thank everyone else in another post. Without further ado...

To Sawyer Young,

First off, you are always right. So there's that. Also you are one of the best people, if not, the best person I have EVER SEEN play League of Legends. Now that that is out of the way, I really just want to say thank you so much. You are so wise and you have helped me through so much because you offer such a clear and different perspective on life that I haven't seen before. You see things as they really are, not through my jacked up eyes. I also love that despite us not hanging out as much as we hang out with other people, I can still call you one of my best friends. Just because you act like a best friend. And I haven't told you all my secrets, nor did I need to, because for some reason, you know me like nobody else does. You've always been so so so so so solid. Thanks Dude-Bro.

To Sarah Lindemann,

Thank you. Thank you for everything. While it may seem like you didn't do very much, you influenced me a lot more than you think. You showed me the true meaning of school; it sucks. (lol) In all seriousness though, you showed me that the reason why people like people is because even though things might get them down, it is up to the person to decide whether or not they get down. Because, we've all gone through a lot this year and some of us don't have the best way of coping with it, but you just brush it off and you radiate positive energy, at least you do to me. I also think you're one of the most talented women I've ever met so there's that. Also, thanks for always being willing to talk to me, because I know I'm not the most interesting person to talk to, but you always listen to me. Also, thank you for that one night where I called you on the phone and was crying because one of my relatives had died. I didn't know who else to call, and I'm just lucky you were there. Thank you.

To Ben Perry,

Thank you. Thank you for being MY MAIN MAN this year. Thank you for showing me that Buddhist people are chill, especially you. And that our egos will kill us and we should never let that get in the way of our lives. Thank you for showing me that even though you may hang around different groups of people, you don't have to change for those people. Truly being yourself is something that most people can not achieve and I want to be able to mold that aspect of myself after you. Thank you for showing me that even though a kid one year may seem like the quietest person, can actually turn out to be someone that you can talk to about anything and is a lot more vocal than you think. Thank you for showing me to NEVER underestimate someone. Ever ever ever. You came into my life this year, you got on that stage, and you literally blew me and everyone else away with your confidence and presence. Thank you.

To Baylee Dodge,

Thank you. Thank you for making me feel somewhat included with the cool seniors club :P. Thank you for showing me what it means to literally not give any shits because I needed that (this is in a totally good way by the way). You taught me that if you actually care about something you never let anything get in your way because it's YOUR LIFE. Thank you for showing me that dedication really does pay off in the grand scheme of things. Thank you for teaching me to take life as it comes because that what you HAVE to do. Thank you for always being a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for showing me that you might have an obsession with cats, but that people will have to live with it because cats are freaking great. Thank you for everything.

To Collin Hoggard,

Thank you. Thank you for just making the world a better place. Without you, I wouldn't know what J Dawgs was, so I also thank you for that. Thank you for showing me that you don't have to be the stereotypical kind of leader to get people to respect you as a leader and follow you. Hopefully I can apply that. Thank you for laughing at my stupid and weird remarks towards things. Thank you for showing me that a smile should never be wasted. Thank you for being my friend because I really needed one. Thank you for believing in me because believing in people nowadays seems to be a rare thing and I'm honored that you believe in me. Thank you.

To Hannah Pyper,

Thank you. Thank you for showing me compassion when I needed it the most. Thank you for showing me what it's really like to grow up (if that even makes sense). Because I remember working with you and meeting you all the way back when I was in seventh grade and I remembered those moments I shared with you onstage more than any other moments in my life. To have done that again this year was a true honor because wow. I don't think I'll ever work with someone like you again so please believe me when I say it was a great honor to work with you and to just have the privilege to get to know you.

To Dominic Zappala,

Thank you. Thank you for pointing out that that bird was an INDOOR BIRD, because I never would have known otherwise. In all seriousness now though, thank you. Thank you for showing me that talent is hard to come across. Because you don't come across talent, you work for it. Thank you for showing me that even though life may treat you like shit, you don't have to act like shit. Thank you for helping me with my acting, especially in the Winter Play. Thank you for that one day you sang that Format song to me and Hailey. And (this is going to sound creepy) thank you for looking at me while you sang it, because I had never known what true passion was until that moment. Thank you for showing me how beautiful music is, because now I can appreciate every single song a lot more now. Thank you for showing me that guys can have fashion too. Just, thank you.

To Rachel Howden,

Thank you. Thank you for showing me that being easy-going is the best way to live life, because life is too important to take seriously. Thank you for teaching me that voicing your honest opinions doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, because sometimes you have to voice your thoughts/frustrations, and you ultimately feel better for it. Thank you for teaching me that YOU have to make the most of each day, because nobody else is going to do it for you. Thank you for teaching me that getting along with people is a lot easier than people make it out to be. Thank you. Thank you so much.

To Michael Ballif,

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that positivity is the best quality you can find in a person. Thank you for teaching me that it never mattered about the clothes you wear or the people you hang out with, because it's all about the person YOU ARE that matters. Thank you for being a role model to me both on the stage and off of the stage. Thank you for being my friend even though the last time we had seen each other, you were in a frilly skirt and my hair was sprayed green. Thank you for showing me that being nice to people is something that everybody appreciates. We need more Michael Ballifs. Thank you.

To Jake Irving,

Thank you. Thank you for really embodying a leader this year because God knows that LP needed that this year. Not to say that the other presidents didn't do that, I just think you did it extremely well! Thank you for making the world a better place and just being friendly to everyone. Thank you for teaching me that saying "Hi" to some random Junior kid can make that kid's day. Thank you for showing me that excellence can come in all forms. Thank you.

To Trevor Elzey,

Thank you. Thank you. ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou. Thank you for always willing to be honest with me because I needed that. I NEEDED YOU. Thank you for always being willing to accept my compliments because I complimented you a lot. Thank you for always being my friend. Thank you for being a loving friend and thank you for caring about me. The amount of gratitude I have for you is immeasurable. I was so lucky to have a friend like you this year. I looked up to you so much last year and the fact that we became as good of friends as we are just astounds me. Thank you for always making me laugh, especially when I need it the most. Thank you for always being there when I need a hug, especially when I'm sad. Again, I can't express how much gratitude I have for you. I love you. Thank you.

Your loving friend,

-Ardon

The Way I See You

Something special happens

Every time I look

Every turn is a new page

But I'm not reading a book

Nope. Just observing you.

In a totally non-creepy way

Always making me laugh

With everything you say.

You told me that it's a big deal for you

To say yes to guys when they ask you out.

I am so honored.

Because I wouldn't be surprised if that's all that surrounded you.

You are a lot more beautiful than you think.

Really, you are.

I've never been so awe-struck

By a girl that looks as good as you and has a kind and genuine heart.

That's REALLY hard to find.

It's one of the hardest things I've done

Even though I didn't do much

I feel like I finally found someone worth it.

Because that's what it's all about

Finding someone who means so much to you after only knowing them for a short time

Because then you find yourself writing a poem 

And trying to find words that rhyme

And trying to find the words that coincide

With the feelings in your heart

Because that's what it means

And the heart is the best part

You see, the heart is a vital organ

And while this isn't biology

You don't need a textbook to tell you

That love isn't something you can see.

Or see coming for that matter.

Because "Everything happens for a reason"

Or maybe they don't.

And life isn't always pleasing

You know that. I know that.

There's always heartbreak involved

But the delicate heartstrings that you pull

Make me feel like a puppet and that the world revolves around you.

Falling in love is like doing a trust fall.

You trust that the person who is supposed to catch you will

And I'm not so sure if you're going to catch me, or even try

But I trust you still

You didn't tell me that it was hard for you to trust people

But you just don't trust people quickly and people have to work for it

Which I'm totally fine with because you're worth the time

And I'm not one who's easy to quit

Look, I'm not going to say I'm in love with you (because that would be crazy)

But I'm writing you a love poem. That's something.

You say the word though, all of this will stop

And dissolve into nothing

Because while I may be emotionally invested

Because your disease has infested me

I would throw it all away if you

Confessed that you didn't feel the same way.

Your happiness means a lot more to me

Than my happiness does

Because I. Care. About. You. And 

That's why I feel fuzzy when I think about you.

My heart has been ripped out and torn

Thrashed and stomped into the ground

And it feels like I'm riding a merry-go-round

But I'm willing to put it out there because for once I found that I could feel this way again.

You don't have to lie to me 

Or try to let me down easy

All that I'm really asking

Is that you really read this and you hear me

I have fallen in love with other girls

And I've told them that I've seen them in ways I've never seen someone else, because I do.

But believe me that I mean it when I say

I have never seen someone the way I see you.

T.O.A.

I have this friend that came up to me one day and said "Ardon, do you know what your tragedy is?"

I was caught a little off guard.

"Um... No... What's that?"

Then they proceeded to explain to me that they had come up with the "Tragedies of People" Like "Tragedy of Bill" or "Tragedy of Joe"

Stuff like that.

So she told me this:

"The tragedy of Ardon is that he is always there for other people but nobody is there for him."

That's my tragedy. The T.O.A. 

Well... That came in like a wrecking ball.

You know in movies when certain phrases or words replay over and over in a character's mind? That was me. Those words still ring in my head to this day. 

It legitimately made me look at every friendship I have, and I discovered that it's true. Practically nobody is there for me, and I am there for everyone. People are too caught up in their problems to worry about my problems, and I'm too caught up in EVERYONE ELSE'S problems to even realize that I have problems.

It's kind of funny, because I have friends where I listen to their problems and they claim "All I do is listen to other people's problems. I'm always there for people."

...... Ah yes.

Now, I actually don't mind listening to other people's problems. I like helping. And I totally believe that they listen to other people's problems and they are there for people. There's no doubt in my mind about that! But when it comes to me, it seems like nobody wants to take time to hear my problems. To care about me the way I care for people.

I know that you'll read this and it won't be SO DEEP and the greatest post in the world, I know. 

I just felt like I needed to say it.

-Ardon

You Don't Need to Love Me

(First off, let me say that this is inspired by the song "You Don't Need to Love Me" from a new musical called "If/Then")

Look, just because I have feelings doesn't mean they're going to be reciprocated. I know that. I know it too well.

But allow me to explain to you what "Love" means. The (ninth) dictionary definition of the word "Love" is an "affectionate concern for the well-being of others"

Yeah, I might love you, and yeah I might want a relationship, but at the end of the day I just want you to be happy.


I don't need you to buy me gifts.

I don't need you to kiss me.

I don't need you to need me.

I don't need you to love me.

What I do need from you though... The one thing I NEED from you is permission to love you.

I don't give a damn about my feelings, because the most important thing in the world to me are YOUR FEELINGS. Yeah, I say I'm depressed all the time, and yeah my feelings might be important, but your feelings mean the world. Because I. LOVE. YOU. 

Yeah, I tell people I love them all the time. I love them too.

But this is so much different.

I don't need you to be my best friend.

I don't need you to cry on my shoulder.

I don't need you to let me be your rock.

I don't need you to put on that ring I bought you.

Nothing matters EXCEPT YOU and I'm legitimately and literally crying while I'm writing this post because it means THAT MUCH TO ME.

It hurts when you say you're not beautiful.

It hurts when you say that you're sad.

It hurts that you're far away.

It hurts me that I love you.

It hurts me to stick it out.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. You matter. Because I love you.

You don't need to say "I love you"

You don't need to cry for me.

You don't need to include me.

You don't have to have me be the only thing on your mind.

You don't need to love me the way I love you.

But what I do need is permission to love you. Because you know that light at the end of the tunnel everyone talks about? That beam of hope? I don't need you to love me back, but I do need permission to love you, because that is my light at the end of the tunnel.

You don't need to love me.

Love,

-Bennett