My Little Lea

Hi, my name is Ardon Smith. And if you know me, or even if you've read my blog, one of the things you know about me is that when I become a father I want to have a girl. My wife could tell me she wants to have a million kids (please no) and if that's what she wanted she would have my consent and every right to name all of them and do whatever, but I want to  have the privilege to name our first girl. Whether she's the oldest, the middle, or comes last, the one thing I want to ask of my wife is to be able to name our girl. And I want her name to be Lea Marie Smith.

A lot of people ask me why I want a girl so bad. And it's not because I have the perfect name or because I'm in theater and I hang around girls all the time or because I don't have a brother and I grew up in a house filled with girls. It's not that.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time I hold her I'll know that she'll be one of the most important girls in my life forever.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time she gets a nightmare, she can sleep right next to her daddy and feel safe in my arms.

I want to have a little girl so that whenever I come home, she can get a big smile on her face and say "Daddy's home!"

I want to have a little girl so that when she falls and scrapes her knee, she can come to daddy knowing that he'll make everything okay.

I want to have a little girl so that on the first day of kindergarten I can hold her hand and walk her to school. 

I want to have a little girl so that when she asks me "Am I a princess?" I can say "Yes, you're a princess." 

I want to have a little girl so that when gets old enough to go to middle school, she'll start to put on make up and I'll tell her "You don't need that." And she'll shrug me off and apply it anyway, but she'll know I meant it with all of my heart.

I want to have a little girl so that when she talks to her mom about boys I can get a headache.

I want to have a little girl so that when she brings her boyfriend to the house I can get sick to my stomach and really nervous. 

I want to have a little girl so we can get into fights over nothing and then cry and hug it out later.

I want to have a little girl so her mom can hate me for secretly spoiling our daughter behind her back.

I want to have a little girl so that when she is about to leave the house for Prom I can think "They grow up so fast."

I want to have a little girl so that when she leaves the house, I can hug her and pretend that I won't cry the whole time but as soon as she leaves, my wife will have to buy me 10 boxes of tissues.

I want to have a little girl so that when she graduates college I can say "That's my daughter."

I want to have a little girl because when she gets married, she'll be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I want to have a little girl so that when she has a little girl, she'll know what it's like to love someone that much.

I want to have a little girl because she'll always be my little girl. 

Worry-Sick

"I'm just worried about a lot of things."

"I feel like that's why you're sick. Because you're worried. You're worry-sick." 

Worry-sick.

That's the first time I ever heard that concoction of words. And I feel like it's true. I am worried sick and I'm sick because I'm worried and I'm worried because I'm sick. What the hell is this?

"You are honestly one of the most wonderful people I have ever met and you don't deserve this because your life SUCKS. And it's not fair."

Not the first time I heard that concoction of words, but it IS the first time I had ever heard it and realized the truth behind it.

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Also the world is probably the most messed up place I ever saw. And if you don't think so you're either blind or just naive. 

We LITERALLY all live on the same goddamn planet and we're killing each other. We're beheading people as a scare tactic for RANSOM MONEY. What the actual hell are we doing to the human race? We all live on Earth! Are we really that different or spiteful or angry that we have to kill each other?

Not only do we live on the same planet, but I'm in the United States, and we all live in the same country and people are KILLING EACH OTHER. You want to know what some people get killed for? The color of their GODDAMN SHIRT.

I don't think humans realize that we're doing this to people. I think we're all guilty of just going through the motions every day and not really thinking about us as a whole. 

I tell people this: I love certain individual people, but as a whole human race? I absolutely despise people. Call me a pessimist, call me a jerk, call me the cloud that rains on your parade, call me whatever you want, I could care less. If you don't like this post because you subconsciously like to be blind to the truth, then I'm sorry I was the one to tell you. 

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Here's another thing people don't realize; All of our lives are hard. Like really freaking hard. But humans don't realize it. They never do. Nobody is human enough to realize that other people's problems are THEIR PROBLEMS. I don't care if their parents are going through a divorce or if their parents won't get them the iPhone 6. 

IT. DOESN'T. MATTER.

At the end of the day it's their problem and it's hard for THEM. Maybe we all aren't even human. Maybe we're all biologically humans but inside we're so messed up and twisted and turned in every direction that maybe we don't care about other people any more.

Maybe the definition of being human now is that we aren't human anymore.

Yesterday Rocked My World

I've never felt so terrible and conflicted in my life. 

I just don't know what to do.

I had a very long conversation with one of my best friends last night and I was crying and all this stuff. She asked me "What do you always tell me?" I waited quietly and patiently for an answer. After a few moments of silence she said "Do what makes YOU happy."

And I agree. I really do. I just don't know what will make me happier. I have to make a choice and it's one or the other. 

Life likes to play games with people and it doesn't hold back anything. It will take anything you thought you knew, prove you wrong, and then throw it back in your face with as much force as possible. 

I told my friend over and over again "This is so hard." 

And she said "I know. But whatever choice you make, you can't lose." 

I guess that's a little but of optimism I can have while holding two different peoples' feelings in my hands. 

I guess I'll let you know what happens.

-Ardon

The White Crayon Can Do So Much More

We all have the colors of our skin. You know, white, black, red, yellow, all those things. (You can hate me if you think me saying all that was racist.)

It's kind of like a box of crayons. 

We all have our colors and when people draw with green, green comes out. Same with purple, orange, blue, etc. 

We all are like crayons, but just a little different.

Well, a lot of different.

Imagine all the crayons are people, and you use them to draw. For example, take me. I'm probably a white crayon. PROBABLY. 

Let's say you take me (white crayon) to draw. Except when the paper meets my body, white doesn't come out. Maybe blue comes out. Or yellow, red, purple, green, aquamarine, etc etc etc. 

ALL THESE COLORS CAN COME OUT, AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

Because people are almost never what they seem to be. I mean, they totally could be. But sometimes they're not. And that's what's beautiful about people. 

So we're all in a crayon box. Population 7 billion crayons. We can all view the white crayons the same, or we can simply put them to a page, to see what comes out.