Roses and Violets

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Hell yeah it does.
But distance also makes the heart grow    more      distant.
And unfortunately that has only recently become a part
Of my reality.

Love is tricky.
It puts you in situations
Where miscommunications
And temptations
And complicated relations
Become a part of your every day life.

And that's okay.

Because love gives back ten times
What it takes away.

Love is on my mind.
Every time. Every. Line.
Of every poem.
It's kind of like reminding myself
I have a reason to write.
Or do anything at all.
Because all I do is fall.

There's this void
That we all actively avoid
We act as though heartbreak
Is a choice
As though we have an actual
Voice in the matter.
The pitter patter of my beating heart
Is just the start to potentially
Falling apart.

Any mention of your name
Instantly provides some pain
And it makes me want to place blame
As though placing blame
Will replace this profane feeling
I feel in the most bottom part of myself.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
So please do.
And I still love you.
That much is true.

Roses are red
And Violets are blue
Not a single moment was a mistake
Because I spent it with you.

And every moment I spend with you
From now on will only help me feel strong
And perhaps prolong this inherent feeling
That everything I did was wrong
As though I was the only problem
And although you will always have me in the palm
Of your hand
Not one second of it I would want to recall
Because if you weren't worth every single moment
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

You are worth all my moments.
And maybe I should have spent more time showing it.
Instead of making it seem like the opposite.
God, I feel like shit.

Some flowers are purple
Some flowers are green
And I've never met a person
Who could ever mean
This much to me.
A woman who occupied my dreams
And made me feel things
Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It was all presented beautifully.
Truly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I feel like shit
But I still love you

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

Thoughts at 4:29 AM

I miss being in love.

Sure, I miss them too. Of course I do. They made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I just miss being in love.

I miss waking up each day just knowing that they were out there thinking of me, and that I was also thinking of them. I miss the late night conversations where one of us eventually had to say "I think we should probably go to bed." I miss feeling important to them. I miss being someone's priority in life. I miss kissing and holding hands and watching movies and cuddling and everything we ever did. I miss having the time of my life with the person I wanted in my life the most.

I miss talking about getting married and being with each other all the time. I miss dreaming that that could happen one day. Even though they were only dreams, they never seemed too far away. Now it seems like a lifetime ago I met you, and I wish I never had. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But the pain is still a bitch.

Yes, I know they're not "the one" and "the one" is still out there waiting for me. But couldn't they have found me before I ended up falling in love with someone else? Now I have to start all over. I know ending a relationship is never easy on either side. I've been on both sides. But it sure as hell is a lot worse to be on the receiving end than to not be.

I hope she's happy. As much as it might hurt me to see her happy, I hope she is. Because it would be selfish of me to wish unhappiness just because. I hope she dates a lot of people. And I hope she finds someone who is perfect for her. I figured, the relationship ended for a reason right? One of us should be happy. If it isn't going to be me, it should be her. It should be her anyway.

I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I hope I did. I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I wanted us to be together forever, but I guess the universe had other plans. And that's okay. We'll both be as happy as we could possibly be one day. Whether that's together or not isn't up to me.

I will still always care for you. I will never forget the girl in the blue dress. The girl who changed my life.

Love,

Ardon

My Happiness

My heart raced as our fingers intertwined for the first time. "I don't usually do this on the first date," you said. "Neither do I." Your eyes gazed into mine in that moment, and I feel I could have lived in that car forever. Lived in that moment forever, with you. And that long drive seemed like it never ceased to end and I didn't mind in the slightest. The winding road was painted with an endless repetition of lines dividing the road, and my mind was painted with an endless repetition of you. And that repetition was endless, and countless as the stars that shine.

And I realized in between the moments where the rain fell as I asked you the scariest question of my life to the moment you first kissed me on the cheek, that you might be something special. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect amount of time spent with a more perfect person. From the moment you asked me if I liked Star Wars to the moment we first opened up to each other about previous relationships, I knew I couldn't be the same person after knowing you. And from the moment that night ended to the moment I saw you again, I knew I had fell for you. "No..." I said longingly "This is the end to the best night of my life."

"There will be more. I promise"

---------------------------------------------------------------

I grabbed the plates from the kitchen and said "All you have to do is follow me downstairs." I saw the look of confusion and excitement cover your face as I started to lead the way. I opened the door to the stairs and revealed the five candles lining the side of the stairs. And as we rounded the corner I saw your eyes light up just as bright as the Christmas lights I had hung over the table. As I put down our individual plates on either side of the table, I wondered "Is tonight the night?" I didn't know if it was too early for me to do what I was about to do, but I wanted to more than anything in the world. "Shrimp scampi? That's fancy." You said to me with a more-than-pleased smile. I pulled out your chair for you before walking over to my side of the table.

My heart was racing now more than ever. After a couple minutes of eating and conversation, I turned my body around to plug my phone into my speaker. I pulled up one of your favorite songs, and then turned to you to ask "Will you dance with me?" As the light melody of Frank Sinatra's "You Make Me Feel So Young" danced around my eardrums, I held you close, and you held me back. Then you whispered to me "I love this song." And in that moment, I pulled away so your eyes could meet mine and I said the words I had waited to say; "I love you."

"I think I love you too."

----------------------------------------------------------------

I prepared anxiously for your arrival. I popped a mint into my mouth and thought "I'd better brush my teeth too." I scrambled up the stairs to my bathroom and layered on a thick layer of toothpaste onto the bristles of my toothbrush. As I scrubbed the inside of my mouth, I thought to myself "Is this what I want? Should I do this? Of course I do. I love her. But does she want it? I guess we'll find out." After I completed my task, I ran back down the stairs again in hopes I had enough time to prepare for your visit. I grabbed the piece of paper I had already set aside and grabbed the closest pen I could find and began to scribble the message I had planned onto the paper. I tucked it away in my back pocket and sat on my couch. Patiently waiting. You rang my doorbell and shot out of my seat and scurried over to the door and I unlocked it. As soon as I opened the door I flung my arms around you and picked you off the ground and took you inside. A couple of minutes of us catching up and sitting on my couch had passed before I thought to myself "Okay. This is it."

I reached into my back pocket that contained the piece of paper. I pulled it out and said "This is for you." As you took it from my hands I saw a small smile come across your face, and you said "Cute." It was folded into fourths and the outside layer had your name on it with a heart next to it. You unfolded the paper to reveal a page that said "Will you be my girlfriend? (Check Yes or No)" I saw your small smile transform into a moment of overjoyed laughter. You then took the pen laying on the table and checked "Yes" and we looked at each other with a satisfied feeling in the air. "I love you," you said.

"And I love you."

And I still do. And I will. For as long as you'll have me.

Love,

-Ardon

I Promise

Let me just say that this post was inspired by one of my closest friends. He doesn't read my blog, and he probably doesn't even know that it exists. But he's the reason I have happiness in my life now. He inspired me to write this post because of a song he wrote, which was a beautiful song that I'm keeping on my phone forever. Anyways, here goes.

Hi, it's me again. There's a lot of things I just can't do. I can't play guitar or piano. I can't do a backflip. I can't fly a plane. I can't change the oil in my car. I can't speak spanish. I can't write you a song to show you how much I care about you. I can't do any of that. But there are a lot of things I can do, and I can promise you them.

I promise to take you on dates.
I promise to cry at the end of Phantom. Every time.
I promise to buy you JCW's shakes whenever you want.
I promise to call you "babe" because you like it.
I promise to always respond to your texts.
I promise to cuddle with you during movies.
I promise to hold your hand in the car.
I promise to sing "The Last Five Years" with you.
I promise to go on that fall hike with you.
I promise to leave you speechless.
I promise to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I promise to write blog posts about you.
I promise to let you be greedy with me.
I promise to give you that massage.
I promise to call you beautiful every day.
I promise to make you as happy as possible.
I promise to never let you forget how much I care for you.
I promise to support you.
I promise to buy you orange roses.
I promise to kiss you on the forehead.
I promise to trust you.
I promise to wipe away your tears.
I promise to hold you forever.
I promise to always miss you.
I promise to let this be different than all the other ones.
I promise that I won't be perfect.

But I promise to love you.