Falling in a Forest

The sound of your heart breaking
Is not one in which you can hear.
It makes a sound, oh yes.
But you can not hear.

The deafening cracking and crumbling
Your entire universe tumbling down
You are swimming up
Yet before you reach the top
You do indeed drown.

I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.

But I must have it.
There is nothing else I can do
Except to say to you and the world
That we all become absolutely broken.

Shattered on the floor.
They tried to tell us that love was an open door
But this can not be true.

Love is the only thing that can make you
Absolutely sure of everything,
And then destroy you
Without even a trace of a clue.

When your heart breaks,
And nobody is around to hear it,
Does it truly make a sound?

Yes.

It manifests in the endless nights
Of uncontrollable weeping.
You hear it in the ringing of your ears
As you drive past where you had your secret meetings.

You hear it in the phone calls to your friends
As you, yourself condemn yourself
Because it has to be something you did, right?
Otherwise they wouldn't have left YOU.

Is this the truth?
I do not know if we can ever truly know.

They say you must to let go.
But that statement leads me to my inquiry, so,
When you feel lower than your absolute low,
Tell me, my dear,

How must one let go?

In My Own Eyes

Her eyes shine so brightly
And choose to see the best
But the trail of tears within her laugh lines
Tells me she thinks she can never rest

No rest for the un-wicked
Until you prove
To yourself and the world
That you deserve love

And trust and care
And to be the reason that someone wakes up
And grins and bears this fucked up world.
To be the reason someone's toes curl.
To be worth a damn, a diamond, and a pearl.
To be someone's whole world and know that's you.

It's new to be loved unconditionally.
Because without conditions
There's no permission
For you to listen to your heart
And let yourself be a part
Of the reason why you start
To love yourself. A lot.

Your small fingers intertwined with mine
Feel like a small child's
Gripping on to their lifeline.
And as sure as all the stars that shine
I want to call you mine
Because in my own eyes you're sublime.

As sure as all the stars that shine,
I want to call you mine.
Because in my own eyes
You are already mine.

I'm Turning 20 Years Old

I'm turning twenty years old.
No more teens, tweens, or in-betweens.
No more feelings or themes of inadequacy
Finally a gleam of my dreams and things
I think that I deserve becoming a reality.

19 is fine, 21 is cool, but two decades?
Holy shit, am I right?

I can't cry, or lie, or fight, or light a bag
Of shit on fire and chalk it up to "hormones"
As a result. I am now an adult.

I've been able to go to prison for two years,
But at least now it'll make sense.
And now I represent a whole new demographic
Of people who are presented with obstacles
And I'm pretty sure we can't eat popsicles
In public anymore because we're twenty years old.

Popsicles are cold. So is the world.

Now I have to be bold.
I have to probably get a job that turns me into someone I'm not
Because someone told me to fold instead of going all-in.
And people tell me "Don't withhold who you are."
When before I was told to behold the very opposite.

I practiced it. Being someone else.
Now it's hard to be myself.

I put myself on the shelf
I was made selfish instead of selfless
Nobody could care less if I was made less
I've been conditioned to impress instead of express
It's been impressed in my mind.
I've been told to respect authority as opposed to self-defense,
Respect others, expect nothing in return
Only return into what the world had made you.

Defenseless.

Is this an exaggeration? Maybe.
But maybe not.

There's nothing else to be taught, and someday
My body will just rot away.
Another product of what we are today.

I'm turning twenty years old.

"Be bolder. You're older.
Become a mold of what we told you.
Control yourself. Don't boil over."

I am twenty years older.

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

Thoughts at 4:29 AM

I miss being in love.

Sure, I miss them too. Of course I do. They made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I just miss being in love.

I miss waking up each day just knowing that they were out there thinking of me, and that I was also thinking of them. I miss the late night conversations where one of us eventually had to say "I think we should probably go to bed." I miss feeling important to them. I miss being someone's priority in life. I miss kissing and holding hands and watching movies and cuddling and everything we ever did. I miss having the time of my life with the person I wanted in my life the most.

I miss talking about getting married and being with each other all the time. I miss dreaming that that could happen one day. Even though they were only dreams, they never seemed too far away. Now it seems like a lifetime ago I met you, and I wish I never had. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But the pain is still a bitch.

Yes, I know they're not "the one" and "the one" is still out there waiting for me. But couldn't they have found me before I ended up falling in love with someone else? Now I have to start all over. I know ending a relationship is never easy on either side. I've been on both sides. But it sure as hell is a lot worse to be on the receiving end than to not be.

I hope she's happy. As much as it might hurt me to see her happy, I hope she is. Because it would be selfish of me to wish unhappiness just because. I hope she dates a lot of people. And I hope she finds someone who is perfect for her. I figured, the relationship ended for a reason right? One of us should be happy. If it isn't going to be me, it should be her. It should be her anyway.

I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I hope I did. I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I wanted us to be together forever, but I guess the universe had other plans. And that's okay. We'll both be as happy as we could possibly be one day. Whether that's together or not isn't up to me.

I will still always care for you. I will never forget the girl in the blue dress. The girl who changed my life.

Love,

Ardon

Writers Block

For the past four days I've been trying to write a blog post about how I feel. And I have three drafts in my posts all about the same thing. You. And I can't post them. Because they suck. And because you give me writers block.

You give me writers block because all I can think about is you and I don't know how to put that into words. 

All I ever want to do is be around you and hug you. And just talk the day away with you. We can talk about Star Wars or the past relationships we've had. Or we can talk about how amazing the one we have right now is. Because it is. Because we are practically the same person. And we love all the same stuff, and that's wonderful, but the exciting part to me is all the new stuff that we'll discover we love together. I know that if we do that, we won't ever get bored with each other. Even if we are the same.

I want to watch every single movie on our list. Every single movie musical, every single comedy, drama, tragedy, whatever it is. I don't care about the movies. I care about YOU sitting next to me watching the movie.

I want to go on long drives and hold hands with you on those drives because that's my favorite thing to do. I want to Skype you and text and snapchat and all that stuff. AND I WANT TO WRITE BLOG POSTS ABOUT YOU. But you give me writers block. And you leave me speechless. Typeless. Whatever.

You're amazing. Oops. I wrote that. 

And I want to play video games with you. Does that make me trash? Maybe. But YOU haven't picked up an Xbox controller in five years and I need someone to play Lego Star Wars with. You can be Obi-Wan. 

You make my heart and my mouth go a million miles an hour because I can't help it. You fascinate me and you turn me on (in the most non-creepy way possible) and you make me feel different feelings than any of those other girls I used to date. All the ones that hurt me and made me super afraid to even talk to you. But boy am I glad that I put on my big boy pants and grew some balls so I could have the courage to talk to you. I will be forever grateful for H&M and that blue dress. Forever.

I will be forever grateful to Japanese food and Sushi. And I will be forever grateful to the Book of Genesis in the Bible. I will be forever grateful to FitBits for running out of battery and public high school concerts that happen in the gym. And I'm forever grateful to In N Out shakes for being thick. And I will be forever grateful to blue hearts for being the best thing in my life right now. And I will be forever grateful to you. You amazing, funny, sweet, caring, gentle, beautiful person. 

Well, there it is. The blog post that's been waiting four days to happen. And I know you're reading this. So, hi. You're really cute and beautiful and I like you a lot. So here's to you. And here's to us. And here's to writers block.

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

The White Crayon Can Do So Much More

We all have the colors of our skin. You know, white, black, red, yellow, all those things. (You can hate me if you think me saying all that was racist.)

It's kind of like a box of crayons. 

We all have our colors and when people draw with green, green comes out. Same with purple, orange, blue, etc. 

We all are like crayons, but just a little different.

Well, a lot of different.

Imagine all the crayons are people, and you use them to draw. For example, take me. I'm probably a white crayon. PROBABLY. 

Let's say you take me (white crayon) to draw. Except when the paper meets my body, white doesn't come out. Maybe blue comes out. Or yellow, red, purple, green, aquamarine, etc etc etc. 

ALL THESE COLORS CAN COME OUT, AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

Because people are almost never what they seem to be. I mean, they totally could be. But sometimes they're not. And that's what's beautiful about people. 

So we're all in a crayon box. Population 7 billion crayons. We can all view the white crayons the same, or we can simply put them to a page, to see what comes out.

Yep

Sometimes you get to be happy.

Sometimes you get to be sad.

Sometimes you just have to get over it.

There You Have It

Well there you have it. Those are all the death letters I could really muster. To be honest, I didn't think I was going to get the response I did. Really. Anyways, thanks for reading my death letters and for being great friends. All of you mean so much to me, and as you can see in the posts before this one, I love you all.

Here's the thing, if I didn't write a death letter to you and you feel shafted, please don't take it offensively because it's not meant to offend anyone. If you're important to me in my life, you should know that already. And if it does make you upset, I'll try to make it up to you somehow.

Anyways, now I can go back to my regular blogging self.

Thanks,

-Ardon

It's Coming

Okay. This is a message to all people who read my blog... Considering you're even out there.

Pretty soon I'll be posting a series of posts that are very personal to me.

You see, I'm in New Jersey as I'm typing this right now and I looked around and I saw that I wasn't happy with my life and a very strange feeling popped into my head. 

"I wonder if anyone would care if I died."

I didn't feel like anyone would. 

So I proceeded to text one of my friends and he helped me feel a little better. He said "You have changed so many lives."

To be honest, I really don't believe him at all. But I started to realize something. Regardless of whether or not I thought I changed people's lives, I know for a fact that so many people have changed my life. 

So this series of posts are devoted to all the people that have changed my life. If I write a letter to you, that means you have changed my life and I love you. 

Also, I will be writing these as if they were my last words to you. As if I was to die today.

I won't try to be too depressing. 

To My Future Wife

To my love,

Hi! 

You know, I'm 17 right now and the reason I'm writing you (now) is because I've been watching a lot of movies and TV shows where people are just in love and they tell all these things to their significant others, and I said "You know what, I feel like that too but I don't know who to share it with!"

Obviously I picked you since I will be married to you. I don't know who you are yet, but boy I'm a lucky one.

Let me just say that I love you with all of my heart. You're perfect in every way. 

I know that you know nobody is perfect. And I love how you always tell me you're not perfect even though to me, you're the most perfect person I've ever met. And that's why I love you. Because you know that I know. And I'm okay with knowing that. Just as long as YOU KNOW that I think you're perfect.

You know, I can't wait until after our wedding when we get to go to bed. 

Don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I have slept in a queen size bed my whole life, and you know what? It sucks to do that alone. I can't wait until the day where I get to sleep next to you and just know you're there. To be able to hold your hand or wrap my arms around your body. I can't wait until I know that as long as we both live, I'll never be alone.

I'm also way excited to have kids!

Again, don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I love the idea of creating a life and being able to raise a child as our own. I really hope it's a girl. I really do. Not to say that I wouldn't love a boy but I REALLY want to have a little baby girl.

I just have one favor to ask you though.

If and when we do have a little girl, I want to have the privilege to name her. Obviously I acknowledge that you are the one that has to carry the baby and eventually give birth. We can have 100 kids and you can name ALL of them. That's totally fine with me! I just ask that you allow me to name our first girl, and I want her name to be this:

Lea Marie Smith.

Lea because Lea Michele (don't judge, okay?), Marie because that name has been running in my family for years, and Smith because... Well... Yeah.

I vow to always sweep you off of your feet. Literally. Everyday. I give way good hugs and I will lift you off the ground, this, sweeping you off of your feet.

I vow to always listen. I have always prided myself on being there for other people, and I know that I love and care about you enough to say with 100% certainty that I will always be there for you to listen. Always. I don't care if it's something as petty as not being able to find a diaper. I want you to know that I am interested in your feelings and I will always want to listen.

I vow to always love you. I mean, I married YOU for a reason right? I hope you married me for the same reason. Whether or not we go through a divorce, fights, or anything else that may or may not affect our relationship, know that I love you with all of my heart and I will love you every day that you walk on the earth. I love you. YOU. And I love you so so so so much. You're amazing. I love you. 

Anyways, that was a letter to you. Maybe you'll actually read it one day. Or maybe you're reading it right now. Regardless of that, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are and for loving me. You have no idea how much I need you.

Love,

-Ardon

Don't Worry, These Are Just Thoughts

The warm water fell and hit all over my body. As I sat there with one leg extended while the other was folded underneath it, I thought "This is so stereotypical."

DEPRESSED TEENAGER SITS AND CRIES IN SHOWER

Yeah.

But I decided to sit there and close my eyes. The warm water ran down my face and I started to lose track of what was shower water and what was tears. 

I started to imagine being back in Florida and recalling that I had done this once before. I remember being a young kid sitting out in the rain just staring at nothing because I had no friends. That was due to the fact that I was fat, loud and obnoxious. 

Weird how some things never change.

Then as the water turned from warm to cool I had found myself fully laid out and I thought to myself "Is this what death feels like?"

People say that death is peaceful and you don't suffer anymore. There had never been a time in my life where I had felt more peace and less suffering. 

I know. I was taking a shower.

But if that is how death feels then that is the way I want to go out. I don't want to die for glory. I don't want to die doing the thing I love. I don't want to die in some extravagant way. I don't want to die in front of millions of people and have people remember how haunting my death was. And I'm NOT saying I want to die.

No. 

But if I could choose, I'd die in the rain.

(P.C. Of Hailey Brooks)

I Just Found Out You Have A Blog

I just realized I care about you a lot.

We haven't even talked to each other like for real. I just looked at you before I went on stage. Not in a creepy way.

You're just so nice and I feel like you deserve a lot more than you get. If that makes sense. Of course it does. Why did I write that? 

I don't care about you like I care about that other girl (read my last post). But maybe that's because she caught my eye before you did. Not saying I'm romantically interested in you.

What am I saying. This doesn't make anybody feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really actually want to get to know you. Because you're a cool chick. Like really. And it SUCKS that we're not in the same cast because we could have such good and deep chemistry on stage.

Not dissing that other girl though.

Hey. If you read this, IF you read this. You should ask me for my number so we can text and stuff. And I'll listen to your problems. If you want.

Anyways, you're great.

See ya.

The Moments That Make Up My Love Story

Once upon a time, I met a girl. (I promise that this is a love story) She is one of the most beautiful, caring, talented, inspiring, hilarious, good-hearted, sweet, confusing, mysterious, and amazing girls I've ever met. There have been so many moments that I've shared with myself and with her that basically describe our relationship this far. There was...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The moment I first saw her. (WOW. THAT WAS CHEESY) I know.

The moment I thought she was 14.

The moment I first talked to her. 

The moment I said to myself "Wow, if only she were my age." 

The moment Timmy told me she was 16. 

The moment I thought Timmy was pulling my leg.

The moment I talked to her for the first time.

The moment SHE told me she was 16.

The moment I felt like an idiot.

The moment I told her that I thought she was fourteen.

The moment we laughed together for the first time.

The moment I learned her name.

The moment we started to sit next to each other at rehearsals.

The moment I left her favorite candy bar on a hanger in the dressing room and she had no idea it was from me.

The moment where (apparently) people started shipping us.

The moment Suzy became my wingman.

The moment Suzy was the best wingman ever.

The moment I started shipping us.

The moment Suzy told me that she just wanted me to ask her out.

The moment I asked her out.

The moment I hugged her for the first time.

The moment we just hung out.

The moment she asked if I wanted to go get dinner.

The moment I actually fell for her.

The moment I went to New York.

The moment we had a half-hour phone conversation.

The moment she told me she missed me.

The moment I missed her too.

The moment she told me that she realized how much she really cared about me.

The moment I told Suzy all about it.

The moment I got homesick because of her.

The moment I landed back in Utah.

The moment we FINALLY went on our first date.

The moment she tried to use chopsticks for the first time.

The moment she totally failed at it.

The moment I told her that it was adorable.

The moment she said it was pathetic.

The moment we compromised and said that it was pathetic, but in a cute way.

The moment she ate sushi for the first time.

The moment I asked her why she liked me.

The moment she said it was because I make her happy.

The moment we went to my house.

The moment she met my parents.

The moment where all my parents could say was "WOW. She's pretty!" 

The moment we took blankets into the car because we were going to go see a show outdoors.

The moment we only brought one blanket.

The moment we held hands in the car.

The moment we snuggled under the same blanket.

The moment we held hands again.

The moment the first act ended.

The moment the second act started.

The moment I rested my head on her shoulder.

The moment I said "Hey guess what?"

The moment she said "What?"

The moment I kissed her on the cheek.

The moment I saw her blush.

The moment she asked me "Why did you do that?"

The moment I said "Why not?"

The moment we saw Timmy and Suzy after the show because they were in it.

The moment Timmy invited us to his house after the show.

The moment we ate ice cream and hot fudge.

The moment we watched Hairspray together with Timmy.

The moment we got back in the car to drive to her house.

The moment she grabbed onto my hand and wouldn't let go.

The moment it was silent but we didn't care. 

The moment I began to tell her that guys like me don't get guys like her.

The moment she interrupted me because nothing makes her more mad than guys saying that.

The moment I made it obvious that I was lying about what I was going to say.

The moment she said "Oh yeah? What were you going to say?"

The moment I said "I was going to say that I wanted to kiss you on the lips."

The moment I saw her blush... Again.

The moment I asked her what she was thinking.

The moment she said "I want to kiss you on the lips too."

The moment my heart raced.

The moment she said "But I'm not going to."

The moment I felt a little bit of defeat but I actually didn't feel that bad.

The moment she explained to me that kissing is a big deal for her and she'd rather wait.

The moment I was content with not kissing her because I hate rushing things.

The moment she told me that she made the first boy she kissed wait 8 months before he could kiss her.

The moment she told me that the second boy had to wait a year.

The moment she told me that this one might be different.

The moment she kissed my hand and left the car.

The moment I was happier than I had been in a long time.

The moment we hung out the next day.

The moment we ate breakfast together.

The moment we put hearts next to each other's names in our phones.

The moment we realized it was Friday the 13th and we should do something scary.

The moment we decided that Walmart was scary enough.

The moment she bought "The Fault in Our Stars"

The moment she told me she didn't have enough books to read.

The moment I recommended a book that I had.

The moment we went back to my house.

The moment I hugged her from behind in my garage.

The moment she snuck a kiss on my cheek.

The moment I blushed and told her she was cute.

The moment she said "Just like you."

The moment I dropped her back off at her house.

The moment she said "We should hang out again."

The moment I wanted to hang out again as soon as possible.

The moment I decided to write this post.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There you go. There's my love story. Wow. 

Based off true events.

Worried

Wow.

It just came to my attention that I worry about a lot of things.

I'm worried about a beautiful girl that's more than 3000 miles away from me because she's having an "eh" day. 

I'm worried about TWO pairs of a boy and girl who are perfect for each other but nothing's happening.

I'm worried about being in a president position and having a whole class and department look up to me because I was selected to take on the role.

I'm worried about my best friends who may or may not be drifting away from me.

I'm worried that they're worried about me.

I'm worried that this post is going to make everyone think I'm crazy.

I'm worried that this post is going to make people realize that they're worried too.

I'm worried about my body because I gained way too much weight this year, and now I have stretch marks all over me like I've never seen and now I probably have no chance in getting that ONE role in that ONE show that fits me because people keep indirectly telling me that I'm too fat and ugly to play it.

I'm worried that people will look at this and roll their eyes.

I'm worried that my parents are worried about me.

I'm worried that they think I don't love them anymore. 

I'm worried that I'll become a person I don't want to be.

I'm worried that the future is a real thing.

I'm worried about America, because while I don't know everything that's going on, people talk about it and it worries me.

I'm worried about the kids in America right now because... Seriously?

I'm worried that one of my friends won't get the girl he cares so much about just because she's gonna be gone the whole summer.

I'm worried that my friends won't be happy.

I'm worried that my friend only hears the bad things I say about him and doesn't realize that regardless of all that I still love him.

I'm worried that regardless of a short distance parting us, I won't be able to see my best friend this whole summer.

I'm worried that my phone's going to die on this boat. 

I'm worried I'm going to die at an early age.

I'm worried that the people I mention in this post will know who they are.

I'm worried that people don't believe me when I tell them I love them.

I'm worried I'm going to cry on this boat.

I'm worried that chivalry is actually dead.

I'm worried that I won't get married.

I'm worried that I say sorry too much.

I'm worried that people misinterpret what I say.

I'm worried about the fact that 99 percent of the time I do something because I care about people, and the people I do it for don't seem to care.

I'm worried that one day I'm going to punch someone in the face.

I'm worried about the day I leave for college.

I'm worried about how distraught I'll be if my parents die.

I'm worried that therapy won't help my depression.

I'm worried that I'm making someone depressed.

I'm worried that this boat trip ends at 2 AM.

I'm worried that I won't get a job.

I'm worried that I spend too much money.

I'm worried that people think I'm a negative person.

I'm worried about my friends.

I'm worried about my family.

I'm worried about my teachers.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about ME.

I'm worried.

Snap, Flash, and Print

"Cheese!" 

Oh damn it all! Someone just took this hideous picture of me. Despite being somewhat embarrassed I half laugh and I go over to them and I say "Let me see this picture!" And they show it to me...

Sure as hell, it's ugly. 

My friend is laughing their head off "Omg mess." (And I quote that by the way) 

I'm over it though. I mean, it wasn't the WORST picture of me... 

At least I hope not.

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Now, it's a different day, and I'm with another one of my friends. I find myself in a situation in which the tables have turned. I pulled out my phone, pointed it at her and I said "Smile for the camera!" 

FLASH

Well (regardless of the fact that she was stunning), her immediate reaction was to turn away, but luckily, I got it just before she could completely turn. And as I looked at the picture, it was one of the most beautiful pictures I had ever seen. She had a look of being surprised and happy all at the same time, and her long hair was whipping around her head. 

She had a beautiful smile on her face.

She commanded "Let me see it!" And I proceeded to turn my phone screen towards her and an utter look of HORROR consumed her face. 

"Delete that right now!" 

And I replied laughing "Oh come on it's cute!" 

"No it's hideous!"

"You look beautiful!"

This minuscule spatter continued for a little bit. Then she convinced me to delete the photo off of my phone after a little pleading. 

---------------------

But when I returned home, I got to thinking...

How distorted are our minds to think that we are no longer beautiful? 

What caused all this? Was it the crude remarks we got as children from classmates that didn't know better? Was it the fact that even though, back then, we couldn't really fathom emotions? The truth that regardless of how naive we were, we were influencing a future person? These things aren't apparent to 5 and 6-year olds.

But the scars remain.

Nothing changes what happened.

But we determine what CAN happen.

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You know, sometimes the eyes in which we see through can be distorted. But is it really our eyes? Or is it the mirror we choose to look through?