Commuovere

God is real.

I don’t mean to sound corny

But as I looked at

What stood before me

I felt this overwhelming love.

It was there in the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

I saw it in the sunset above.

I felt at peace.

Even though I’ve had

People leave me

I could feel that my

Grandma was with me.

She saw the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

It really did make me smile.

Her favorite thing in the world

Were those wildflowers.

The purple, yellow, and red

Danced up to meet my eyes

And I felt so alive.

I saw my grandmother

Standing there. Revived.

She smiled at me

While my grandpa stood

Beside her.

I saw the way he looked at her

And then the way he looked at me.

He was always very sweet.

I can’t thank him enough

For taking me here.

I can’t thank him enough
For still being here.

And then I was there with you.

I had tears in my eyes

And I wanted to cry

Because despite anything

That has happened

Or anything that could

Put us in despair

I felt nothing but

Feelings of care for you.

You let me share it with you.

The flowers, the friends, the cake.

My grandma, my grandpa.

We were all there together.

I know we’re friends who

Just went and watched a sunset.

But if I hadn’t made this clear

I’ve got a love fest going on over here.

Roses and Violets

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Hell yeah it does.
But distance also makes the heart grow    more      distant.
And unfortunately that has only recently become a part
Of my reality.

Love is tricky.
It puts you in situations
Where miscommunications
And temptations
And complicated relations
Become a part of your every day life.

And that's okay.

Because love gives back ten times
What it takes away.

Love is on my mind.
Every time. Every. Line.
Of every poem.
It's kind of like reminding myself
I have a reason to write.
Or do anything at all.
Because all I do is fall.

There's this void
That we all actively avoid
We act as though heartbreak
Is a choice
As though we have an actual
Voice in the matter.
The pitter patter of my beating heart
Is just the start to potentially
Falling apart.

Any mention of your name
Instantly provides some pain
And it makes me want to place blame
As though placing blame
Will replace this profane feeling
I feel in the most bottom part of myself.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
So please do.
And I still love you.
That much is true.

Roses are red
And Violets are blue
Not a single moment was a mistake
Because I spent it with you.

And every moment I spend with you
From now on will only help me feel strong
And perhaps prolong this inherent feeling
That everything I did was wrong
As though I was the only problem
And although you will always have me in the palm
Of your hand
Not one second of it I would want to recall
Because if you weren't worth every single moment
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

You are worth all my moments.
And maybe I should have spent more time showing it.
Instead of making it seem like the opposite.
God, I feel like shit.

Some flowers are purple
Some flowers are green
And I've never met a person
Who could ever mean
This much to me.
A woman who occupied my dreams
And made me feel things
Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It was all presented beautifully.
Truly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I feel like shit
But I still love you

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

My Happiness

My heart raced as our fingers intertwined for the first time. "I don't usually do this on the first date," you said. "Neither do I." Your eyes gazed into mine in that moment, and I feel I could have lived in that car forever. Lived in that moment forever, with you. And that long drive seemed like it never ceased to end and I didn't mind in the slightest. The winding road was painted with an endless repetition of lines dividing the road, and my mind was painted with an endless repetition of you. And that repetition was endless, and countless as the stars that shine.

And I realized in between the moments where the rain fell as I asked you the scariest question of my life to the moment you first kissed me on the cheek, that you might be something special. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect amount of time spent with a more perfect person. From the moment you asked me if I liked Star Wars to the moment we first opened up to each other about previous relationships, I knew I couldn't be the same person after knowing you. And from the moment that night ended to the moment I saw you again, I knew I had fell for you. "No..." I said longingly "This is the end to the best night of my life."

"There will be more. I promise"

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I grabbed the plates from the kitchen and said "All you have to do is follow me downstairs." I saw the look of confusion and excitement cover your face as I started to lead the way. I opened the door to the stairs and revealed the five candles lining the side of the stairs. And as we rounded the corner I saw your eyes light up just as bright as the Christmas lights I had hung over the table. As I put down our individual plates on either side of the table, I wondered "Is tonight the night?" I didn't know if it was too early for me to do what I was about to do, but I wanted to more than anything in the world. "Shrimp scampi? That's fancy." You said to me with a more-than-pleased smile. I pulled out your chair for you before walking over to my side of the table.

My heart was racing now more than ever. After a couple minutes of eating and conversation, I turned my body around to plug my phone into my speaker. I pulled up one of your favorite songs, and then turned to you to ask "Will you dance with me?" As the light melody of Frank Sinatra's "You Make Me Feel So Young" danced around my eardrums, I held you close, and you held me back. Then you whispered to me "I love this song." And in that moment, I pulled away so your eyes could meet mine and I said the words I had waited to say; "I love you."

"I think I love you too."

----------------------------------------------------------------

I prepared anxiously for your arrival. I popped a mint into my mouth and thought "I'd better brush my teeth too." I scrambled up the stairs to my bathroom and layered on a thick layer of toothpaste onto the bristles of my toothbrush. As I scrubbed the inside of my mouth, I thought to myself "Is this what I want? Should I do this? Of course I do. I love her. But does she want it? I guess we'll find out." After I completed my task, I ran back down the stairs again in hopes I had enough time to prepare for your visit. I grabbed the piece of paper I had already set aside and grabbed the closest pen I could find and began to scribble the message I had planned onto the paper. I tucked it away in my back pocket and sat on my couch. Patiently waiting. You rang my doorbell and shot out of my seat and scurried over to the door and I unlocked it. As soon as I opened the door I flung my arms around you and picked you off the ground and took you inside. A couple of minutes of us catching up and sitting on my couch had passed before I thought to myself "Okay. This is it."

I reached into my back pocket that contained the piece of paper. I pulled it out and said "This is for you." As you took it from my hands I saw a small smile come across your face, and you said "Cute." It was folded into fourths and the outside layer had your name on it with a heart next to it. You unfolded the paper to reveal a page that said "Will you be my girlfriend? (Check Yes or No)" I saw your small smile transform into a moment of overjoyed laughter. You then took the pen laying on the table and checked "Yes" and we looked at each other with a satisfied feeling in the air. "I love you," you said.

"And I love you."

And I still do. And I will. For as long as you'll have me.

Love,

-Ardon

I Promise

Let me just say that this post was inspired by one of my closest friends. He doesn't read my blog, and he probably doesn't even know that it exists. But he's the reason I have happiness in my life now. He inspired me to write this post because of a song he wrote, which was a beautiful song that I'm keeping on my phone forever. Anyways, here goes.

Hi, it's me again. There's a lot of things I just can't do. I can't play guitar or piano. I can't do a backflip. I can't fly a plane. I can't change the oil in my car. I can't speak spanish. I can't write you a song to show you how much I care about you. I can't do any of that. But there are a lot of things I can do, and I can promise you them.

I promise to take you on dates.
I promise to cry at the end of Phantom. Every time.
I promise to buy you JCW's shakes whenever you want.
I promise to call you "babe" because you like it.
I promise to always respond to your texts.
I promise to cuddle with you during movies.
I promise to hold your hand in the car.
I promise to sing "The Last Five Years" with you.
I promise to go on that fall hike with you.
I promise to leave you speechless.
I promise to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I promise to write blog posts about you.
I promise to let you be greedy with me.
I promise to give you that massage.
I promise to call you beautiful every day.
I promise to make you as happy as possible.
I promise to never let you forget how much I care for you.
I promise to support you.
I promise to buy you orange roses.
I promise to kiss you on the forehead.
I promise to trust you.
I promise to wipe away your tears.
I promise to hold you forever.
I promise to always miss you.
I promise to let this be different than all the other ones.
I promise that I won't be perfect.

But I promise to love you.

Writers Block

For the past four days I've been trying to write a blog post about how I feel. And I have three drafts in my posts all about the same thing. You. And I can't post them. Because they suck. And because you give me writers block.

You give me writers block because all I can think about is you and I don't know how to put that into words. 

All I ever want to do is be around you and hug you. And just talk the day away with you. We can talk about Star Wars or the past relationships we've had. Or we can talk about how amazing the one we have right now is. Because it is. Because we are practically the same person. And we love all the same stuff, and that's wonderful, but the exciting part to me is all the new stuff that we'll discover we love together. I know that if we do that, we won't ever get bored with each other. Even if we are the same.

I want to watch every single movie on our list. Every single movie musical, every single comedy, drama, tragedy, whatever it is. I don't care about the movies. I care about YOU sitting next to me watching the movie.

I want to go on long drives and hold hands with you on those drives because that's my favorite thing to do. I want to Skype you and text and snapchat and all that stuff. AND I WANT TO WRITE BLOG POSTS ABOUT YOU. But you give me writers block. And you leave me speechless. Typeless. Whatever.

You're amazing. Oops. I wrote that. 

And I want to play video games with you. Does that make me trash? Maybe. But YOU haven't picked up an Xbox controller in five years and I need someone to play Lego Star Wars with. You can be Obi-Wan. 

You make my heart and my mouth go a million miles an hour because I can't help it. You fascinate me and you turn me on (in the most non-creepy way possible) and you make me feel different feelings than any of those other girls I used to date. All the ones that hurt me and made me super afraid to even talk to you. But boy am I glad that I put on my big boy pants and grew some balls so I could have the courage to talk to you. I will be forever grateful for H&M and that blue dress. Forever.

I will be forever grateful to Japanese food and Sushi. And I will be forever grateful to the Book of Genesis in the Bible. I will be forever grateful to FitBits for running out of battery and public high school concerts that happen in the gym. And I'm forever grateful to In N Out shakes for being thick. And I will be forever grateful to blue hearts for being the best thing in my life right now. And I will be forever grateful to you. You amazing, funny, sweet, caring, gentle, beautiful person. 

Well, there it is. The blog post that's been waiting four days to happen. And I know you're reading this. So, hi. You're really cute and beautiful and I like you a lot. So here's to you. And here's to us. And here's to writers block.

My Little Lea

Hi, my name is Ardon Smith. And if you know me, or even if you've read my blog, one of the things you know about me is that when I become a father I want to have a girl. My wife could tell me she wants to have a million kids (please no) and if that's what she wanted she would have my consent and every right to name all of them and do whatever, but I want to  have the privilege to name our first girl. Whether she's the oldest, the middle, or comes last, the one thing I want to ask of my wife is to be able to name our girl. And I want her name to be Lea Marie Smith.

A lot of people ask me why I want a girl so bad. And it's not because I have the perfect name or because I'm in theater and I hang around girls all the time or because I don't have a brother and I grew up in a house filled with girls. It's not that.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time I hold her I'll know that she'll be one of the most important girls in my life forever.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time she gets a nightmare, she can sleep right next to her daddy and feel safe in my arms.

I want to have a little girl so that whenever I come home, she can get a big smile on her face and say "Daddy's home!"

I want to have a little girl so that when she falls and scrapes her knee, she can come to daddy knowing that he'll make everything okay.

I want to have a little girl so that on the first day of kindergarten I can hold her hand and walk her to school. 

I want to have a little girl so that when she asks me "Am I a princess?" I can say "Yes, you're a princess." 

I want to have a little girl so that when gets old enough to go to middle school, she'll start to put on make up and I'll tell her "You don't need that." And she'll shrug me off and apply it anyway, but she'll know I meant it with all of my heart.

I want to have a little girl so that when she talks to her mom about boys I can get a headache.

I want to have a little girl so that when she brings her boyfriend to the house I can get sick to my stomach and really nervous. 

I want to have a little girl so we can get into fights over nothing and then cry and hug it out later.

I want to have a little girl so her mom can hate me for secretly spoiling our daughter behind her back.

I want to have a little girl so that when she is about to leave the house for Prom I can think "They grow up so fast."

I want to have a little girl so that when she leaves the house, I can hug her and pretend that I won't cry the whole time but as soon as she leaves, my wife will have to buy me 10 boxes of tissues.

I want to have a little girl so that when she graduates college I can say "That's my daughter."

I want to have a little girl because when she gets married, she'll be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I want to have a little girl so that when she has a little girl, she'll know what it's like to love someone that much.

I want to have a little girl because she'll always be my little girl. 

To My Future Wife

To my love,

Hi! 

You know, I'm 17 right now and the reason I'm writing you (now) is because I've been watching a lot of movies and TV shows where people are just in love and they tell all these things to their significant others, and I said "You know what, I feel like that too but I don't know who to share it with!"

Obviously I picked you since I will be married to you. I don't know who you are yet, but boy I'm a lucky one.

Let me just say that I love you with all of my heart. You're perfect in every way. 

I know that you know nobody is perfect. And I love how you always tell me you're not perfect even though to me, you're the most perfect person I've ever met. And that's why I love you. Because you know that I know. And I'm okay with knowing that. Just as long as YOU KNOW that I think you're perfect.

You know, I can't wait until after our wedding when we get to go to bed. 

Don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I have slept in a queen size bed my whole life, and you know what? It sucks to do that alone. I can't wait until the day where I get to sleep next to you and just know you're there. To be able to hold your hand or wrap my arms around your body. I can't wait until I know that as long as we both live, I'll never be alone.

I'm also way excited to have kids!

Again, don't worry, I'm not talking about sex.

I love the idea of creating a life and being able to raise a child as our own. I really hope it's a girl. I really do. Not to say that I wouldn't love a boy but I REALLY want to have a little baby girl.

I just have one favor to ask you though.

If and when we do have a little girl, I want to have the privilege to name her. Obviously I acknowledge that you are the one that has to carry the baby and eventually give birth. We can have 100 kids and you can name ALL of them. That's totally fine with me! I just ask that you allow me to name our first girl, and I want her name to be this:

Lea Marie Smith.

Lea because Lea Michele (don't judge, okay?), Marie because that name has been running in my family for years, and Smith because... Well... Yeah.

I vow to always sweep you off of your feet. Literally. Everyday. I give way good hugs and I will lift you off the ground, this, sweeping you off of your feet.

I vow to always listen. I have always prided myself on being there for other people, and I know that I love and care about you enough to say with 100% certainty that I will always be there for you to listen. Always. I don't care if it's something as petty as not being able to find a diaper. I want you to know that I am interested in your feelings and I will always want to listen.

I vow to always love you. I mean, I married YOU for a reason right? I hope you married me for the same reason. Whether or not we go through a divorce, fights, or anything else that may or may not affect our relationship, know that I love you with all of my heart and I will love you every day that you walk on the earth. I love you. YOU. And I love you so so so so much. You're amazing. I love you. 

Anyways, that was a letter to you. Maybe you'll actually read it one day. Or maybe you're reading it right now. Regardless of that, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being who you are and for loving me. You have no idea how much I need you.

Love,

-Ardon

I Just Found Out You Have A Blog

I just realized I care about you a lot.

We haven't even talked to each other like for real. I just looked at you before I went on stage. Not in a creepy way.

You're just so nice and I feel like you deserve a lot more than you get. If that makes sense. Of course it does. Why did I write that? 

I don't care about you like I care about that other girl (read my last post). But maybe that's because she caught my eye before you did. Not saying I'm romantically interested in you.

What am I saying. This doesn't make anybody feel good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really actually want to get to know you. Because you're a cool chick. Like really. And it SUCKS that we're not in the same cast because we could have such good and deep chemistry on stage.

Not dissing that other girl though.

Hey. If you read this, IF you read this. You should ask me for my number so we can text and stuff. And I'll listen to your problems. If you want.

Anyways, you're great.

See ya.

The Moments That Make Up My Love Story

Once upon a time, I met a girl. (I promise that this is a love story) She is one of the most beautiful, caring, talented, inspiring, hilarious, good-hearted, sweet, confusing, mysterious, and amazing girls I've ever met. There have been so many moments that I've shared with myself and with her that basically describe our relationship this far. There was...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The moment I first saw her. (WOW. THAT WAS CHEESY) I know.

The moment I thought she was 14.

The moment I first talked to her. 

The moment I said to myself "Wow, if only she were my age." 

The moment Timmy told me she was 16. 

The moment I thought Timmy was pulling my leg.

The moment I talked to her for the first time.

The moment SHE told me she was 16.

The moment I felt like an idiot.

The moment I told her that I thought she was fourteen.

The moment we laughed together for the first time.

The moment I learned her name.

The moment we started to sit next to each other at rehearsals.

The moment I left her favorite candy bar on a hanger in the dressing room and she had no idea it was from me.

The moment where (apparently) people started shipping us.

The moment Suzy became my wingman.

The moment Suzy was the best wingman ever.

The moment I started shipping us.

The moment Suzy told me that she just wanted me to ask her out.

The moment I asked her out.

The moment I hugged her for the first time.

The moment we just hung out.

The moment she asked if I wanted to go get dinner.

The moment I actually fell for her.

The moment I went to New York.

The moment we had a half-hour phone conversation.

The moment she told me she missed me.

The moment I missed her too.

The moment she told me that she realized how much she really cared about me.

The moment I told Suzy all about it.

The moment I got homesick because of her.

The moment I landed back in Utah.

The moment we FINALLY went on our first date.

The moment she tried to use chopsticks for the first time.

The moment she totally failed at it.

The moment I told her that it was adorable.

The moment she said it was pathetic.

The moment we compromised and said that it was pathetic, but in a cute way.

The moment she ate sushi for the first time.

The moment I asked her why she liked me.

The moment she said it was because I make her happy.

The moment we went to my house.

The moment she met my parents.

The moment where all my parents could say was "WOW. She's pretty!" 

The moment we took blankets into the car because we were going to go see a show outdoors.

The moment we only brought one blanket.

The moment we held hands in the car.

The moment we snuggled under the same blanket.

The moment we held hands again.

The moment the first act ended.

The moment the second act started.

The moment I rested my head on her shoulder.

The moment I said "Hey guess what?"

The moment she said "What?"

The moment I kissed her on the cheek.

The moment I saw her blush.

The moment she asked me "Why did you do that?"

The moment I said "Why not?"

The moment we saw Timmy and Suzy after the show because they were in it.

The moment Timmy invited us to his house after the show.

The moment we ate ice cream and hot fudge.

The moment we watched Hairspray together with Timmy.

The moment we got back in the car to drive to her house.

The moment she grabbed onto my hand and wouldn't let go.

The moment it was silent but we didn't care. 

The moment I began to tell her that guys like me don't get guys like her.

The moment she interrupted me because nothing makes her more mad than guys saying that.

The moment I made it obvious that I was lying about what I was going to say.

The moment she said "Oh yeah? What were you going to say?"

The moment I said "I was going to say that I wanted to kiss you on the lips."

The moment I saw her blush... Again.

The moment I asked her what she was thinking.

The moment she said "I want to kiss you on the lips too."

The moment my heart raced.

The moment she said "But I'm not going to."

The moment I felt a little bit of defeat but I actually didn't feel that bad.

The moment she explained to me that kissing is a big deal for her and she'd rather wait.

The moment I was content with not kissing her because I hate rushing things.

The moment she told me that she made the first boy she kissed wait 8 months before he could kiss her.

The moment she told me that the second boy had to wait a year.

The moment she told me that this one might be different.

The moment she kissed my hand and left the car.

The moment I was happier than I had been in a long time.

The moment we hung out the next day.

The moment we ate breakfast together.

The moment we put hearts next to each other's names in our phones.

The moment we realized it was Friday the 13th and we should do something scary.

The moment we decided that Walmart was scary enough.

The moment she bought "The Fault in Our Stars"

The moment she told me she didn't have enough books to read.

The moment I recommended a book that I had.

The moment we went back to my house.

The moment I hugged her from behind in my garage.

The moment she snuck a kiss on my cheek.

The moment I blushed and told her she was cute.

The moment she said "Just like you."

The moment I dropped her back off at her house.

The moment she said "We should hang out again."

The moment I wanted to hang out again as soon as possible.

The moment I decided to write this post.

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There you go. There's my love story. Wow. 

Based off true events.

Him and Her

She is wonderful. She is beautiful, intelligent, smiles, everything that He needs. She is a ray of sunshine in a dark world. She is a breath of fresh air in a world that needs oxygen. There needs to be more people like her. She does anything and everything to make Him laugh, and it's adorable. Any guy would be lucky to have her, and she's in His grasp. 

He is wonderful. He smiles bigger than most people, and is a positive force. He knows how to make a lot of people laugh, not to mention Her. He's a hard egg to crack, but once you get past that, you realize that He is a wonderfully complete person with drive and passion. His eyes sparkle around Her and they know it. He laughs with Her at the jokes She makes and it's the same the other way around. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is I care about Him and Her. And they may or may not read this post and they may or may not know it's about them. I don't know. All I know is they would be amazing together. They're both some of the most amazing people I've met and I hope they know that. I've never met other people like them. They're unique people in a place where being the same seems to be like a disease. Whether they understand the meaning of this post or not is not up to me. I guess all I can really say is this:

I love you guys.

-Bennett

(P.S. Happy Summer everyone!)