Commuovere

God is real.

I don’t mean to sound corny

But as I looked at

What stood before me

I felt this overwhelming love.

It was there in the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

I saw it in the sunset above.

I felt at peace.

Even though I’ve had

People leave me

I could feel that my

Grandma was with me.

She saw the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

It really did make me smile.

Her favorite thing in the world

Were those wildflowers.

The purple, yellow, and red

Danced up to meet my eyes

And I felt so alive.

I saw my grandmother

Standing there. Revived.

She smiled at me

While my grandpa stood

Beside her.

I saw the way he looked at her

And then the way he looked at me.

He was always very sweet.

I can’t thank him enough

For taking me here.

I can’t thank him enough
For still being here.

And then I was there with you.

I had tears in my eyes

And I wanted to cry

Because despite anything

That has happened

Or anything that could

Put us in despair

I felt nothing but

Feelings of care for you.

You let me share it with you.

The flowers, the friends, the cake.

My grandma, my grandpa.

We were all there together.

I know we’re friends who

Just went and watched a sunset.

But if I hadn’t made this clear

I’ve got a love fest going on over here.

To Those that Didn't Have Plans Today

I decided to take a walk down the street today to that little opening/clearing/whatever you call it that let's me see the valley.

Literally the only perk of living on a mountain is that clearing so I can sit there on the Fourth of July.

This "Fourth of July valley viewing" was kind of nice because I went when everybody else had already seen fireworks at around 9 or 10 pm. So I was all alone and it was really peaceful and quiet. It was also nice because I was wrapped in the warmth of the blanket I had gotten from my prom date this last year. (It's still my favorite blanket) So I was actually having a decent time.

It's always kind of surreal for me to look down at the valley because I feel like I'm watching random people and they don't even know it. As I look down, of course, I see fireworks erupt at various points in the sky (which I am above). I also see the lights from all the cities twinkle. I see cars driving by and I see police sirens and I just... Look. 

Then I decided to glance away from the exploding and burning fireworks that are down in the valley and I decide to look up at the sky and look at what's really exploding and burning. 

But then I realize that I've already wrote two posts about stars and that a third post is just overkill, you know?

Then I decided to look in myself and see what's exploding and burning in there. My heart. I closed my eyes and focused on my heart, and I realized something. Me and my heart had been through everything together. 

I know my heart is an organ, but just humor me, okay?

You know when you're feeling an indescribable feeling and someone asks you how you're feeling and you tell them that you're fine because you actually have no idea how to put into words what you are ACTUALLY feeling? 

Same.

Then I realized something else in this short interlude of my life that I spent outside on the Fourth of July. I only wanted to see two people. At this time I only wanted to share this national holiday with TWO PEOPLE. I've interacted with so many people in my life but at this time, in this moment, I only wanted to see two people.

The first one I know will read this, so hi. I didn't get to actually see you at all this summer which makes me really sad because I love you so so so so much and you're all the way across the country right now. Which, by the way, you have to tell me how spending the Fourth of July in D.C. Is. Is it something to go on my bucket list? Anyways, I know that things aren't that great or easy right now for you and I wish you were here even just for a couple of minutes so that we could share at least one moment this summer. Not to say that it's all about me and that I should be your number one priority in life. No. I guess I'm just saying I miss you. 

Now the second person will probably not read this but that's fine. We had made plans to spend this night with each othe but then she got surprised with tickets to the Stadium of Fire so that's awesome! Anyways, I want to spend time with her because I've never met anyone who I can be happy with all the time. Mostly the reason that is is because I get sad around certain people because of the way my brain works, but my brain seems to work a different way around her. And so does my heart. I feel happy, nervous, anxious, excited, confused, clueless, blind, and in love all at the same time. And it's one of those feelings where (even though I just kind of described it) I can't really describe it. I love everything that our relationship holds. I love how we can both be thinking different things and moving at different paces but it doesn't matter because we're cool like that. And I really like you, heck, I love you! And I really don't know if you like me back. Or at least in the same way. But like I said, it's okay. Whenever I'm with you I'm so focused on you and getting to know you so that doesn't even matter. THATS why I want to spend the Fourth of July with you. On this opening. At 11:35 PM. Even though you probably have work tomorrow.

Well, I didn't have plans today so there you go.

-Ardon

(P.S. Happy Independence Day everyone!)

Worried

Wow.

It just came to my attention that I worry about a lot of things.

I'm worried about a beautiful girl that's more than 3000 miles away from me because she's having an "eh" day. 

I'm worried about TWO pairs of a boy and girl who are perfect for each other but nothing's happening.

I'm worried about being in a president position and having a whole class and department look up to me because I was selected to take on the role.

I'm worried about my best friends who may or may not be drifting away from me.

I'm worried that they're worried about me.

I'm worried that this post is going to make everyone think I'm crazy.

I'm worried that this post is going to make people realize that they're worried too.

I'm worried about my body because I gained way too much weight this year, and now I have stretch marks all over me like I've never seen and now I probably have no chance in getting that ONE role in that ONE show that fits me because people keep indirectly telling me that I'm too fat and ugly to play it.

I'm worried that people will look at this and roll their eyes.

I'm worried that my parents are worried about me.

I'm worried that they think I don't love them anymore. 

I'm worried that I'll become a person I don't want to be.

I'm worried that the future is a real thing.

I'm worried about America, because while I don't know everything that's going on, people talk about it and it worries me.

I'm worried about the kids in America right now because... Seriously?

I'm worried that one of my friends won't get the girl he cares so much about just because she's gonna be gone the whole summer.

I'm worried that my friends won't be happy.

I'm worried that my friend only hears the bad things I say about him and doesn't realize that regardless of all that I still love him.

I'm worried that regardless of a short distance parting us, I won't be able to see my best friend this whole summer.

I'm worried that my phone's going to die on this boat. 

I'm worried I'm going to die at an early age.

I'm worried that the people I mention in this post will know who they are.

I'm worried that people don't believe me when I tell them I love them.

I'm worried I'm going to cry on this boat.

I'm worried that chivalry is actually dead.

I'm worried that I won't get married.

I'm worried that I say sorry too much.

I'm worried that people misinterpret what I say.

I'm worried about the fact that 99 percent of the time I do something because I care about people, and the people I do it for don't seem to care.

I'm worried that one day I'm going to punch someone in the face.

I'm worried about the day I leave for college.

I'm worried about how distraught I'll be if my parents die.

I'm worried that therapy won't help my depression.

I'm worried that I'm making someone depressed.

I'm worried that this boat trip ends at 2 AM.

I'm worried that I won't get a job.

I'm worried that I spend too much money.

I'm worried that people think I'm a negative person.

I'm worried about my friends.

I'm worried about my family.

I'm worried about my teachers.

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about ME.

I'm worried.

Real

Once upon a time I fell in love with a girl.

(I promise this isn't a love story)

But I did. I fell in love with a girl. LOVE PEOPLE. I FELT LOVE. I know I'm only 17 and I know I'm young but I LOVED this girl so much. I felt like I was going insane and thought the butterflies in my stomach would one day just fly out because there were too many of them! I began to start thinking "I need to get this girl to like me back!"

My mom always told me I could talk to her about anything and that she would always be there for me. So I decided to talk to her about my new-found love. I'll cut all the fluff and cut to the chase. My mother told me that I wasn't in love. Just shot me down and said that I couldn't be in love. I was way too young to comprehend that. "Love is blind honey. Your love isn't real." 

I'm sorry, let me say that again. My mother had just told me that my love wasn't REAL. As if I was incapable to feel such feelings because of course, I couldn't. I was just too young. 

Then I proceeded to have a SERIES of adults tell me that I was incapable of love because love didn't exist in teenagers. Every counselor, teacher, parent, aunt, uncle, adult friend, and even people I didn't know told me that there was no way I was in love.

Once upon a time I was depressed. 

(I promise that this isn't a depression story)

But I was. I was clinically depressed. I know. Mainstream. But I FELT DEPRESSION. What else was I supposed to do? 

Now, I'm not saying I'm so popular, but I had a very considerable amount of friends who I cared about dearly and who I considered to be my "Best Friends." Once I had started to feel this depression, what did I do? I naturally turned to friends because I didn't want to be depressed, if that seemed to be the case. 

Unfortunately, I had two people; Not one, not three, but TWO people tell me that one of my "Best Friends" had said that my depression wasn't REAL. They said that I was pretending to be depressed because I wanted to fit in, because being depressed was "Cool" 

I'm sorry, I'll just say it one more time. One of my BEST FRIENDS who I had held so near and dear to my heart and who I cared for more than most other people on this earth had said that my depression was fake. Not REAL. Of course it wasn't depression. I can't think for myself. 

I remember when I told my parents I might be depressed. They simply said "No you're not. You're not depressed." They basically told me that my feelings weren't REAL. My parents and best friend didn't believe me. 

Look, I don't want to write a post where you say "Wow you have a bad mom." or "Wow your 'best friend' sucks." NO. I don't want that. I want to bring to your attention something that is sweeping the nation, and has swept my life. 

ALL TEENAGERS ARE THE SAME. 

I think it's amazing how all the adults and public figures tell us to break social norms and you don't have to "fit in"! Just be yourself! Yet, when teenagers do these things, they're viewed as abnormal or "deranged". 

All teenagers are the same, so apparently we all can't feel real things. 

I don't know what's more real, a teenager who "thinks" they're in love, or a teenager who feels compelled to take his own life. When someone is holding a razor to their arms and all they can say "Just do it!" 

That's real.

It's just amazing how nothing is real until something like this happens. And then people say "Why didn't we see it sooner? What could we have done?"

Listen.

Be there.

Be real.

This is my best friend

"The sky is full of the sorrow of living. A blanket of the meaninglessness of existence." - Atreyu Brooks

Ah.

She claims she is a poet of the sky.

Again, Ah.

But you know what, I love her anyway :)

<3

The Inner Thoughts - Outside

As I sat outside today, I realized something... I haven't been outside in a long time!

Well, I mean, I HAVE been outside, but I haven't really been outside in a while.

Let's lift our drinks to contradicting sentences. *clink*

But you all know what I mean. To just sit outside and to be released from the confines of what awaits us inside our own homes. Chores, parents, brothers, sisters, video games, computers, ovens, doors, chairs, and even our own beds.

Everything that bothers us doesn't matter anymore because it's all away from us. Because we are outside. Where the grass is green, the children play, and the sky is blue. Or gray, if it's raining.

Have you ever thought of the theory that nothing exists unless you're there? Like, when you're in your room and the door is shut, nothing outside your room exists... That everything OUTSIDE isn't real?

Isn't that mind boggling?

It kind of makes you the center of the universe. Nothing is real until you see it... Touch it... Believe it.

So is anything really real?

Love,

-Bennett