Commuovere

God is real.

I don’t mean to sound corny

But as I looked at

What stood before me

I felt this overwhelming love.

It was there in the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

I saw it in the sunset above.

I felt at peace.

Even though I’ve had

People leave me

I could feel that my

Grandma was with me.

She saw the flowers,

The friends, the cake.

It really did make me smile.

Her favorite thing in the world

Were those wildflowers.

The purple, yellow, and red

Danced up to meet my eyes

And I felt so alive.

I saw my grandmother

Standing there. Revived.

She smiled at me

While my grandpa stood

Beside her.

I saw the way he looked at her

And then the way he looked at me.

He was always very sweet.

I can’t thank him enough

For taking me here.

I can’t thank him enough
For still being here.

And then I was there with you.

I had tears in my eyes

And I wanted to cry

Because despite anything

That has happened

Or anything that could

Put us in despair

I felt nothing but

Feelings of care for you.

You let me share it with you.

The flowers, the friends, the cake.

My grandma, my grandpa.

We were all there together.

I know we’re friends who

Just went and watched a sunset.

But if I hadn’t made this clear

I’ve got a love fest going on over here.

Falling in a Forest

The sound of your heart breaking
Is not one in which you can hear.
It makes a sound, oh yes.
But you can not hear.

The deafening cracking and crumbling
Your entire universe tumbling down
You are swimming up
Yet before you reach the top
You do indeed drown.

I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.

But I must have it.
There is nothing else I can do
Except to say to you and the world
That we all become absolutely broken.

Shattered on the floor.
They tried to tell us that love was an open door
But this can not be true.

Love is the only thing that can make you
Absolutely sure of everything,
And then destroy you
Without even a trace of a clue.

When your heart breaks,
And nobody is around to hear it,
Does it truly make a sound?

Yes.

It manifests in the endless nights
Of uncontrollable weeping.
You hear it in the ringing of your ears
As you drive past where you had your secret meetings.

You hear it in the phone calls to your friends
As you, yourself condemn yourself
Because it has to be something you did, right?
Otherwise they wouldn't have left YOU.

Is this the truth?
I do not know if we can ever truly know.

They say you must to let go.
But that statement leads me to my inquiry, so,
When you feel lower than your absolute low,
Tell me, my dear,

How must one let go?

In My Own Eyes

Her eyes shine so brightly
And choose to see the best
But the trail of tears within her laugh lines
Tells me she thinks she can never rest

No rest for the un-wicked
Until you prove
To yourself and the world
That you deserve love

And trust and care
And to be the reason that someone wakes up
And grins and bears this fucked up world.
To be the reason someone's toes curl.
To be worth a damn, a diamond, and a pearl.
To be someone's whole world and know that's you.

It's new to be loved unconditionally.
Because without conditions
There's no permission
For you to listen to your heart
And let yourself be a part
Of the reason why you start
To love yourself. A lot.

Your small fingers intertwined with mine
Feel like a small child's
Gripping on to their lifeline.
And as sure as all the stars that shine
I want to call you mine
Because in my own eyes you're sublime.

As sure as all the stars that shine,
I want to call you mine.
Because in my own eyes
You are already mine.

Six Haikus

I can't love you now.
It's all been taken away
This moment is naught.

When you walk away,

The reality of this

Remains beyond us.

It doesn't matter.
I'm the only one that's brave
And I'm tired now.

Of course it matters.

I don't want you to end it.

I am bound to you.

I do not want you.
I find myself saying it
But I still love you.

If that's what you want,

I know I can't stop you, but

I'll always love you.

Roses and Violets

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
Hell yeah it does.
But distance also makes the heart grow    more      distant.
And unfortunately that has only recently become a part
Of my reality.

Love is tricky.
It puts you in situations
Where miscommunications
And temptations
And complicated relations
Become a part of your every day life.

And that's okay.

Because love gives back ten times
What it takes away.

Love is on my mind.
Every time. Every. Line.
Of every poem.
It's kind of like reminding myself
I have a reason to write.
Or do anything at all.
Because all I do is fall.

There's this void
That we all actively avoid
We act as though heartbreak
Is a choice
As though we have an actual
Voice in the matter.
The pitter patter of my beating heart
Is just the start to potentially
Falling apart.

Any mention of your name
Instantly provides some pain
And it makes me want to place blame
As though placing blame
Will replace this profane feeling
I feel in the most bottom part of myself.

You absolutely deserve to be happy.
So please do.
And I still love you.
That much is true.

Roses are red
And Violets are blue
Not a single moment was a mistake
Because I spent it with you.

And every moment I spend with you
From now on will only help me feel strong
And perhaps prolong this inherent feeling
That everything I did was wrong
As though I was the only problem
And although you will always have me in the palm
Of your hand
Not one second of it I would want to recall
Because if you weren't worth every single moment
I wouldn't have loved you at all.

You are worth all my moments.
And maybe I should have spent more time showing it.
Instead of making it seem like the opposite.
God, I feel like shit.

Some flowers are purple
Some flowers are green
And I've never met a person
Who could ever mean
This much to me.
A woman who occupied my dreams
And made me feel things
Emotionally, mentally, and physically.
It was all presented beautifully.
Truly.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I feel like shit
But I still love you

Three Little Words

"I love you."

Quite a loaded phrase.
And every single day since
The day that you've raised my heartstrings
My heart has been laced with the ways

That you convey to me
The portrayal of the most insane
And amazing doorways
To a man who thought he could never remain

In a state of sanity and clarity
Because when it comes down to you and me
We both seem to say
"No, I'm the one who's lucky."

I think we all know that
The leaves on the trees change with the seasons
But what's been put into my life
Has given me plentiful reasons

To dream within my dreams
And have a gleam within the twinkle of my eye
Because with every hello we exchange
We make it harder to say goodbye

I take time to formulate rhymes
But on the inside you reside
And in my life within my mind
I know that nothing feels right
With you on the outside

I AM IN LOVE

And I think I have been
When I first saw the blue dress
And my mind was a mess
But it was all in the best way possible

From the first time we held hands
To when all we could do was stand
Right in front of the front door
And when you said "I promise there will be more."

"I've never felt like this before"
Because I thought I adored
In my own recorded romantic history
But I realized I was just always alone

I always have been.
But every day with you
Is a new chapter that begins
And I listen to my thoughts that
Stay within my heart
And something starts
And it feels like an old part of me
Has become state of the art

My vision is blurred and you have stirred
Something that I never want returned
And they say "I love you" is just three little words
But the idea of "little" is absurd

This whole thing is unheard of.
But I've deferred to following my heart.

Three little words.
I like you.

Three little words.
I adore you.

Three little words.
I love you.

Three little words.

This Is A Rollercoaster

Well phrased thoughts.

And although I know where I'm going I feel like I'm lost.

Lost because paths that are crossed stand in my thoughts

Because two roads diverged in a yellow wood is just the beginning.

The beginning of the rest of my life has started with college 

Yet for some reason college has some value on it

Because D's and C's get degrees

But a degree only frees the speed in which 

you think you succeed in your own mind.

I watch my words fly over everyone's heads

Because most of the time they'd rather listen to someone else instead

And although I understand I have to pay my dues

How many more dues do I have to go through

Before people get a clue that I wouldn't have paid 

Thousands of dollars to review something I didn't want to pursue

I just want to happy. Don't we all.
Because oceans rise and empires fall
And Hamilton references are uncalled for
But every wall that tries to stall me only exists
in a mental hall I have created for myself

None of this poem, NONE of it will make sense
Because I try to present my mental capacity of the present
But instead I only resent myself for expressing myself
Because we all strive to be purebred. In our heads.

Just give up.

Give up trying to be perfect. Because you will never be that.
Because why the fuck would you waste time trying to be anybody but you?

That didn't rhyme.

Every time you spare a thought for trying to climb
Towards something that can never be reached
All you do is retreat to self degradation
Instead of self preservation so allow this to be a donation.

From me to you.

College hasn't taught me too much yet.
But it has taught me this.
You will spend the rest of your life
Trying to reset someone that you've never really met.

You.

Beautiful, messed up, unique, fucked-up you.
A person who makes someone else's sun rise.
Someone who has been the source of demise
And someone who makes someone else feel alive

And someone who resides in the innermost thoughts
Of someone else's heart.
Someone who has the power to revive because
Only you can make that person see the purpose of their life.

You are the only reason someone can survive
And if you go away then their heart just dies
So tell me my friend, why are you alive?

If you read this, and you find some reason in it
Wake up tomorrow and find some reason in yourself.
Because nothing you have ever dealt with can hinder
The relentlessness of what you know you can do.

Be you.
Because that's all you can do.
And love it.
This is your life.

So you run it.

The Last Ten Minutes

I don't know why people run
I don't know why things fall through
I don't know I survived in my life
Without someone like you.

But now I guess I have to.
And whenever I do something or feel something
I want to run to you, but I can't anymore
Because you said "I can't do this anymore."

We were two kids who didn't know what love was
Until we were in it.
And we had to conceive and believe and retrieve
Every part of us so that we could make sense of it.

And you gave me life like our breath gives the trees
And every time I thought of you I'd say
"Please don't fuck this one up"
Because a lifetime of you wouldn't be enough.

Even though this is the third time you shattered my heart,
I would let you do it again because
Maybe this plan the universe has
Is too much for me to understand.

I apologize for every time I apologized.
And I have come to realize that deep down inside
I wanted to make every wrong I did right.

But by trying to do it right, I did it wrong.
I made us weak when we used to be strong.
I clutched to my crutch and when it finally had enough, it snapped.
Leaving me falling face first into the dust.

And it hurts to see you leave 

Because love is a disease and in those 

Last ten minutes I had to accept we were finished. 

In those last ten minutes 

I told you I wanted you to be happy

In those last ten minutes

I told you trying would be hard for me

In the last ten minutes

I said I would try harder

In the last ten minutes

You said you still wanted to be a part of me

In the last ten minutes

I said "I love you" for the last time

In the last ten minutes I said

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

You were my girl in the blue dress

The one who relieved my stress

And allowed me to express all the

Things I wanted to say

The one who I impressed

And the one who I depressed

And the one who left 

So I could face being alone all by myself

You told me thank you.

You said "Thank you for listening."

But there are pieces of my heart

I still feel missing

Because you took them with you

After all was said and done,

You finished it

I still loved you though.

In the last ten minutes.

Thoughts at 4:29 AM

I miss being in love.

Sure, I miss them too. Of course I do. They made me happier than I ever thought possible. But I just miss being in love.

I miss waking up each day just knowing that they were out there thinking of me, and that I was also thinking of them. I miss the late night conversations where one of us eventually had to say "I think we should probably go to bed." I miss feeling important to them. I miss being someone's priority in life. I miss kissing and holding hands and watching movies and cuddling and everything we ever did. I miss having the time of my life with the person I wanted in my life the most.

I miss talking about getting married and being with each other all the time. I miss dreaming that that could happen one day. Even though they were only dreams, they never seemed too far away. Now it seems like a lifetime ago I met you, and I wish I never had. It is indeed better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

But the pain is still a bitch.

Yes, I know they're not "the one" and "the one" is still out there waiting for me. But couldn't they have found me before I ended up falling in love with someone else? Now I have to start all over. I know ending a relationship is never easy on either side. I've been on both sides. But it sure as hell is a lot worse to be on the receiving end than to not be.

I hope she's happy. As much as it might hurt me to see her happy, I hope she is. Because it would be selfish of me to wish unhappiness just because. I hope she dates a lot of people. And I hope she finds someone who is perfect for her. I figured, the relationship ended for a reason right? One of us should be happy. If it isn't going to be me, it should be her. It should be her anyway.

I'm sorry I wasn't everything you needed. I wanted to give you everything I had, and I hope I did. I know I shouldn't be sorry, but I am. I wanted us to be together forever, but I guess the universe had other plans. And that's okay. We'll both be as happy as we could possibly be one day. Whether that's together or not isn't up to me.

I will still always care for you. I will never forget the girl in the blue dress. The girl who changed my life.

Love,

Ardon

My Happiness

My heart raced as our fingers intertwined for the first time. "I don't usually do this on the first date," you said. "Neither do I." Your eyes gazed into mine in that moment, and I feel I could have lived in that car forever. Lived in that moment forever, with you. And that long drive seemed like it never ceased to end and I didn't mind in the slightest. The winding road was painted with an endless repetition of lines dividing the road, and my mind was painted with an endless repetition of you. And that repetition was endless, and countless as the stars that shine.

And I realized in between the moments where the rain fell as I asked you the scariest question of my life to the moment you first kissed me on the cheek, that you might be something special. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect amount of time spent with a more perfect person. From the moment you asked me if I liked Star Wars to the moment we first opened up to each other about previous relationships, I knew I couldn't be the same person after knowing you. And from the moment that night ended to the moment I saw you again, I knew I had fell for you. "No..." I said longingly "This is the end to the best night of my life."

"There will be more. I promise"

---------------------------------------------------------------

I grabbed the plates from the kitchen and said "All you have to do is follow me downstairs." I saw the look of confusion and excitement cover your face as I started to lead the way. I opened the door to the stairs and revealed the five candles lining the side of the stairs. And as we rounded the corner I saw your eyes light up just as bright as the Christmas lights I had hung over the table. As I put down our individual plates on either side of the table, I wondered "Is tonight the night?" I didn't know if it was too early for me to do what I was about to do, but I wanted to more than anything in the world. "Shrimp scampi? That's fancy." You said to me with a more-than-pleased smile. I pulled out your chair for you before walking over to my side of the table.

My heart was racing now more than ever. After a couple minutes of eating and conversation, I turned my body around to plug my phone into my speaker. I pulled up one of your favorite songs, and then turned to you to ask "Will you dance with me?" As the light melody of Frank Sinatra's "You Make Me Feel So Young" danced around my eardrums, I held you close, and you held me back. Then you whispered to me "I love this song." And in that moment, I pulled away so your eyes could meet mine and I said the words I had waited to say; "I love you."

"I think I love you too."

----------------------------------------------------------------

I prepared anxiously for your arrival. I popped a mint into my mouth and thought "I'd better brush my teeth too." I scrambled up the stairs to my bathroom and layered on a thick layer of toothpaste onto the bristles of my toothbrush. As I scrubbed the inside of my mouth, I thought to myself "Is this what I want? Should I do this? Of course I do. I love her. But does she want it? I guess we'll find out." After I completed my task, I ran back down the stairs again in hopes I had enough time to prepare for your visit. I grabbed the piece of paper I had already set aside and grabbed the closest pen I could find and began to scribble the message I had planned onto the paper. I tucked it away in my back pocket and sat on my couch. Patiently waiting. You rang my doorbell and shot out of my seat and scurried over to the door and I unlocked it. As soon as I opened the door I flung my arms around you and picked you off the ground and took you inside. A couple of minutes of us catching up and sitting on my couch had passed before I thought to myself "Okay. This is it."

I reached into my back pocket that contained the piece of paper. I pulled it out and said "This is for you." As you took it from my hands I saw a small smile come across your face, and you said "Cute." It was folded into fourths and the outside layer had your name on it with a heart next to it. You unfolded the paper to reveal a page that said "Will you be my girlfriend? (Check Yes or No)" I saw your small smile transform into a moment of overjoyed laughter. You then took the pen laying on the table and checked "Yes" and we looked at each other with a satisfied feeling in the air. "I love you," you said.

"And I love you."

And I still do. And I will. For as long as you'll have me.

Love,

-Ardon

I Promise

Let me just say that this post was inspired by one of my closest friends. He doesn't read my blog, and he probably doesn't even know that it exists. But he's the reason I have happiness in my life now. He inspired me to write this post because of a song he wrote, which was a beautiful song that I'm keeping on my phone forever. Anyways, here goes.

Hi, it's me again. There's a lot of things I just can't do. I can't play guitar or piano. I can't do a backflip. I can't fly a plane. I can't change the oil in my car. I can't speak spanish. I can't write you a song to show you how much I care about you. I can't do any of that. But there are a lot of things I can do, and I can promise you them.

I promise to take you on dates.
I promise to cry at the end of Phantom. Every time.
I promise to buy you JCW's shakes whenever you want.
I promise to call you "babe" because you like it.
I promise to always respond to your texts.
I promise to cuddle with you during movies.
I promise to hold your hand in the car.
I promise to sing "The Last Five Years" with you.
I promise to go on that fall hike with you.
I promise to leave you speechless.
I promise to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I promise to write blog posts about you.
I promise to let you be greedy with me.
I promise to give you that massage.
I promise to call you beautiful every day.
I promise to make you as happy as possible.
I promise to never let you forget how much I care for you.
I promise to support you.
I promise to buy you orange roses.
I promise to kiss you on the forehead.
I promise to trust you.
I promise to wipe away your tears.
I promise to hold you forever.
I promise to always miss you.
I promise to let this be different than all the other ones.
I promise that I won't be perfect.

But I promise to love you.

Writers Block

For the past four days I've been trying to write a blog post about how I feel. And I have three drafts in my posts all about the same thing. You. And I can't post them. Because they suck. And because you give me writers block.

You give me writers block because all I can think about is you and I don't know how to put that into words. 

All I ever want to do is be around you and hug you. And just talk the day away with you. We can talk about Star Wars or the past relationships we've had. Or we can talk about how amazing the one we have right now is. Because it is. Because we are practically the same person. And we love all the same stuff, and that's wonderful, but the exciting part to me is all the new stuff that we'll discover we love together. I know that if we do that, we won't ever get bored with each other. Even if we are the same.

I want to watch every single movie on our list. Every single movie musical, every single comedy, drama, tragedy, whatever it is. I don't care about the movies. I care about YOU sitting next to me watching the movie.

I want to go on long drives and hold hands with you on those drives because that's my favorite thing to do. I want to Skype you and text and snapchat and all that stuff. AND I WANT TO WRITE BLOG POSTS ABOUT YOU. But you give me writers block. And you leave me speechless. Typeless. Whatever.

You're amazing. Oops. I wrote that. 

And I want to play video games with you. Does that make me trash? Maybe. But YOU haven't picked up an Xbox controller in five years and I need someone to play Lego Star Wars with. You can be Obi-Wan. 

You make my heart and my mouth go a million miles an hour because I can't help it. You fascinate me and you turn me on (in the most non-creepy way possible) and you make me feel different feelings than any of those other girls I used to date. All the ones that hurt me and made me super afraid to even talk to you. But boy am I glad that I put on my big boy pants and grew some balls so I could have the courage to talk to you. I will be forever grateful for H&M and that blue dress. Forever.

I will be forever grateful to Japanese food and Sushi. And I will be forever grateful to the Book of Genesis in the Bible. I will be forever grateful to FitBits for running out of battery and public high school concerts that happen in the gym. And I'm forever grateful to In N Out shakes for being thick. And I will be forever grateful to blue hearts for being the best thing in my life right now. And I will be forever grateful to you. You amazing, funny, sweet, caring, gentle, beautiful person. 

Well, there it is. The blog post that's been waiting four days to happen. And I know you're reading this. So, hi. You're really cute and beautiful and I like you a lot. So here's to you. And here's to us. And here's to writers block.

2+3 Doesn't Equal Love

People say they want to fall in love with somebody

Or someone

Like its some easy fun thing that we all get to do down the line

Well let me tell you, based off my experience and every single Nicholas Spark's movie I've watched, it's just not.

Ask anyone who's been in love and say

"Is it easy?"

And I guarantee they will say

"No, it's not easy-peasy lemon-squeezy."

Because nobody talks like that and love does not work like that.

And as much as I want to be in love

And have that one person I can run to

And say to them "Your embrace fits me like a glove"

I have watched too many of my friends get their hearts broken to think love is fun.

Because girl, I know you love him

And boy, I know you love her

But unless you aren't afraid to be a fighter,

You can never be a lover.

Because love is about risk

And it's about give and take

And if you can not do any of the above

Then LOVE IS FAKE

I see people who write letters and poems

And I'm not excluding me

But we all act as if love is some thing that is free of charge, 

Free of hurt and free of sorrow

And if I'm wrong, you can tell me that tomorrow, 

But right now, what I'm writing down 

And what I'm saying to you is that love is not fun

The greatest expression of love is sex,

But pretty much everybody in the world looks at sex and says "Wow that's fun"

And if love is fun, take a gun and put a bullet in my head because I do not want to be lied to by society AGAIN.

I know that love is great, it makes you feel like you can accomplish anything at any rate

But they don't tell you about heartbreak

They only tell you about destiny and fate

They tell you that love is a paste

That can fix all the cracks

And that love is the opposite of hate, 

But do you know how many times I've heard someone say "I hate that I love them?"

Or maybe we just always seem to

Run out of luck

Because the universe always seems to say

"I don't give a fuck about your feelings"

Or maybe everyone's version of love

Doesn't add up

Because 2+3 doesn't equal 4

And feeling and concern doesn't equal love anymore!

Love is too complex to be fun

Because we base too much of it on

Maybellinne girls and Victoria's Secret products

Because according to everyone in the world,

Love is based on:

The clothes you wear,

The people you interact with,

The religion you are,

The color of your skin,

The kind of phone you have

The color of your hair

How much money you have

What body type you have

"How far you're willing to go"

What weight you are

What you eat

What you drink

Where you live

Where you sleep

It's never about the dreams you have

Or why you dream them

How you would be willing to catch someone instead of letting them fall

If that isn't love, then why do we love at all?

Nobody thinks about the real things.

Because nobody wants to

And you might say "Ardon, you're a pessimist,"

But I dare you to tell me it's not true.

Love isn't fun.

Or easy.

Because it hurts

Because love is real and 

Nobody really thinks about that,

Do they?

I've always wanted to help my friends understand this 

And all I say is that it isn't easy.

It will never be easy-peasy lemon-squeezy 

Because nobody talks like that.

And love does not work like that.

My Little Lea

Hi, my name is Ardon Smith. And if you know me, or even if you've read my blog, one of the things you know about me is that when I become a father I want to have a girl. My wife could tell me she wants to have a million kids (please no) and if that's what she wanted she would have my consent and every right to name all of them and do whatever, but I want to  have the privilege to name our first girl. Whether she's the oldest, the middle, or comes last, the one thing I want to ask of my wife is to be able to name our girl. And I want her name to be Lea Marie Smith.

A lot of people ask me why I want a girl so bad. And it's not because I have the perfect name or because I'm in theater and I hang around girls all the time or because I don't have a brother and I grew up in a house filled with girls. It's not that.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time I hold her I'll know that she'll be one of the most important girls in my life forever.

I want to have a little girl so that the first time she gets a nightmare, she can sleep right next to her daddy and feel safe in my arms.

I want to have a little girl so that whenever I come home, she can get a big smile on her face and say "Daddy's home!"

I want to have a little girl so that when she falls and scrapes her knee, she can come to daddy knowing that he'll make everything okay.

I want to have a little girl so that on the first day of kindergarten I can hold her hand and walk her to school. 

I want to have a little girl so that when she asks me "Am I a princess?" I can say "Yes, you're a princess." 

I want to have a little girl so that when gets old enough to go to middle school, she'll start to put on make up and I'll tell her "You don't need that." And she'll shrug me off and apply it anyway, but she'll know I meant it with all of my heart.

I want to have a little girl so that when she talks to her mom about boys I can get a headache.

I want to have a little girl so that when she brings her boyfriend to the house I can get sick to my stomach and really nervous. 

I want to have a little girl so we can get into fights over nothing and then cry and hug it out later.

I want to have a little girl so her mom can hate me for secretly spoiling our daughter behind her back.

I want to have a little girl so that when she is about to leave the house for Prom I can think "They grow up so fast."

I want to have a little girl so that when she leaves the house, I can hug her and pretend that I won't cry the whole time but as soon as she leaves, my wife will have to buy me 10 boxes of tissues.

I want to have a little girl so that when she graduates college I can say "That's my daughter."

I want to have a little girl because when she gets married, she'll be the most beautiful woman on the planet.

I want to have a little girl so that when she has a little girl, she'll know what it's like to love someone that much.

I want to have a little girl because she'll always be my little girl. 

There You Have It

Well there you have it. Those are all the death letters I could really muster. To be honest, I didn't think I was going to get the response I did. Really. Anyways, thanks for reading my death letters and for being great friends. All of you mean so much to me, and as you can see in the posts before this one, I love you all.

Here's the thing, if I didn't write a death letter to you and you feel shafted, please don't take it offensively because it's not meant to offend anyone. If you're important to me in my life, you should know that already. And if it does make you upset, I'll try to make it up to you somehow.

Anyways, now I can go back to my regular blogging self.

Thanks,

-Ardon

Chloe and Ashley

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today.

Dear Chloe Pentelute,

Hey there. We haven't talked in a while and that makes me a little sad. You know, I just want to thank you. I mean, I'm dying right now and I never thought I would have a romantic interest or have someone love me the way you do before I died. I know that you were always busy, and I don't blame you. Your life is important. All I really want is for you to continue a happy life. You trusted me with things that I know you don't trust many people with and for that, I am so grateful. And I want you to know that I was always here for you and I always loved you. It's funny, because I remember the moment I first saw you and I thought "WOW. She's really pretty! For a fourteen year old." Then I found out you were sixteen, I felt like an idiot, and then I decided to get over myself and the rest just happened. I know dating and boys were never a big thing for you, thus I wasn't ever the MOST IMPORTANT thing in your life. Which I don't blame you for. And I can't say that you were the most important thing in my life either. But I can say that you were definitely one of the most influential and IMPORTANT parts of my life and I'm so glad I got to know you the way I did. You mean so much to me. The only regret I have is that we didn't get to keep going. I love you so so so so much.

Love,

-Ardon


My Dearest Ashley Fredde,

Hey. This is kind of the worst thing in the world. You know. The whole dying thing. I decided to write to you last because you were the only person that I meant as much to you as you did to me. To be fair, a lot of people would say "No, Ardon, you meant so much to me." But those people are either lying or again, they meant a lot more to me than I did to them. And that's all right. Because I had you, and you were all I needed. Do you remember all the way back when you were in 8th grade and I was in 9th? Man, time flies. I remember being in Drama 2 with you and just having a ball. I mean, we didn't actually talk much during then, but it's still a memory I associate with our friendship. The thing I love is that we really started to get to know each other in the Creative Writing class at Timberline. I mean, not only did we get to know each other through our writings that we shared with each other and with the class, but with just being friends and getting to know each other. We've gone through so much. I remember when I was so dumb and I wrote a totally ratchet and off-key song just to tell you how much I loved you. I thought "Wow. This is the pinnacle of loving someone. I'll never love Ashley more than this." Not to say I only loved you a certain amount, but I just thought I wasn't capable of it. The funny thing with love is that it's made up of a bunch of other words. Like "caring", "faith", "honestly", "trust", and "communication".  I learned everything that contributes to love through loving you. You. YOU. You changed me and helped mold me to become a person that I only ever dreamed of becoming. But through loving you I know dreams can become reality and anything is possible. The moment you texted me and asked me if you could come see me at my school and you ran into my arms was the moment I knew that you were truly my best friend (not that I had any doubts before). You want to know something I love? The fact that you said "you're my soul mate". The thing is, if anybody else had said that to me, I'd be like "Why are you in love with me? You're a creep. Get away." But when you said it it just felt right. Obviously you weren't in love to me, and people who are reading this post will be like "That's weird." But the thing was is that it wasn't! And THAT'S what I love about it! It never mattered about romance or attraction or social standing or anything like that! All we did was act like two human beings and we got to know each other for who we really were. I never thought I'd trust someone like I trust you and I never thought I would have a friend as long as I have had you as a friend. Like HOLY CRAP we've been friends a long time! At least, for high school students. You know I"ve had friends who have left me and I know that you've had friends that left you. But I never left you and you never left me. Ashley, you're my best friend and I only wish the best for you. I want yo uto know that I'll be at your wedding and HE BETTER BE PERFECT. Because that's what you deserve. Nothing in this world matters to me more than your happiness. Hell, it's the reason I get up every morning. It's the reason I'm writing you this letter. It's the reason I'm still alive even though people gave me the worst shit of my life and told me that my problems "didn't matter" and they called me a fag in front of a whole class and they called me fat, and stupid, and untalented BUT THAT DIDN'T MATTER TO YOU. You always told me that my problems mattered. And that I wasn't fat and stupid. And that I WAS talented. I only ever had that kind of support from one other person, my Grandfather. You know the whole story, he passed and I was lost. I remember you being there. And I also remember Hailey Brooks being there for me. And I remember telling you that I was sad because my grandpa "wouldn't see me graduate or get married or be in a show." But you told me "Yes he will. He will always be there with you. Always." And I want to let you know that I'm always going to be with you. No matter where life takes you, I. Am. There. Always. Nobody has ever treated me as well as you have in this life, so I want to make sure that you always have at least one person who loves you with everything they are. And that one person is me. Ashley Fredde, I love you. With everything I am. Keep me as a good memory and know that I will love you forever. See you on the other side, soul mate.

With all the love in the world,

-Ardon

Dom and Trevor

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today.

Dear Dominic Zapalla,

Hey there my friend. I'm really bummed that I haven't really been able to see you at all much since school ended. You know, it's funny, have you ever met someone that you really looked up to and once you meet them/get to know them, you respect them less? I absolutely love that I didn't ever feel that with you. I remember being this puny little sophomore and seeing you perform and just being like "Wow he's really really good!" and I never lost that after I met you AND get to know you. If anything, I just came to admire and you respect you SO much more after I got to know you. And the thing is, I don't want to be done getting to know you. It's really awesome when I talk to people about you because this is what I say: "You know, it's going to be so awesome when ten years down the road, Dom is probably going to be famous in a TV show or in a movie or on Broadway or SOMETHING, and I can have the privilege to say 'I went to school with that kid, and we were actually pretty tight'." Dom, I remember the time where you, me, and Hailey were all in the auditorium at LP and you were just jamming out on the piano and you played that Format song and, for some reason, you decided to look at me the whole time and right then and there is when I knew that you are the most amazing and passionate person I've ever met. When you play music or sing, I see and feel the passion that you bring to your craft and it's unlike anything I've ever seen in anyone else. I hope that life treats you well and I only want good things to come to you because I know that you deserve that so so so much. Just remember the little people when we all are gone from your life.

Your friend,

-Ardon


Dear Trevor Elzey,

My goodness, I don't think you know this, but you'll be one of the people I'll miss the most. I have so many fond memories that I've shared with you and I'm just glad that I had that opportunity to really be your friend. You have no idea how much it meant to me when you said that I was one of your best friends, because that was one of the things that I never really thought I would ever achieve. I know that I haven't personally always been the best friend to you and I really am sorry if I ever made you feel unloved or unappreciated or just crappy in general because that's not what friends should do. And that's my fault. And I'm sorry. But like I said, I have a lot of good memories with you. I will never ever forget Comic-Con because that was one of the best experiences of my life. I loved standing next to you and having Karen Gillan look and giggle at us. Also, can I just say that you are single-handedly one of the most talented people I've ever known. I know you don't think this in the slightest, but you as Marius made me so happy! Your "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables" is my favorite part of that whole show because of YOU. I wouldn't have had your performance any other way because you nailed that character to the wall. Also I'm still crying because of your "Run Away With Me" because it was SO GOOD. I honestly love you so much and I just wish we had just talked more, just you and me, you know? I regret every day that I never got to do that. I admire you so much and it makes me sad to leave you. You're a great friend and I want you to remember that.

Your Friend,

-Ardon

Kelsea and Andralee

DISCLAIMER: In case you didn't know, I'm writing this as if these were my last words to you before I died. Which would be today. 

Dear Kelsea Kocherans,

I'm already like sobbing, what is this? Anyways, I can't imagine my life without you. Pretty soon you'll have to love life without me. And that's fine, because I know you'll make it. You want to know what I love about our friendship? The fact that we both have broken down in front of each other and cried so hard. Usually guy/girl friendships don't go like that. At all. So look at us being all special! You know, there's seven billion people on the earth right now. And I've met a couple thousand all together. If there was anyone, and I mean ANYONE that I thought could make it in this world, it was you. I knew from the moment you performed in front of me for the first time (Drama 3, wow) that you could do whatever you wanted and be PERFECT at it. I personally think you should continue to be an actress because you have it all! You are an amazing singer, your dancing is flawless and your acting is phenomenal! Not to mention you look like very lead girl role ever. The thing is Kelsea, I believe in you. And I think that's fair because for most of the time we've known each other, you were the only one that I knew believed in me. And that honestly means the world to me that someone as amazing as you believed in me. We've been through so much together in the relatively short time we've been friends. And not to say that I want more bad things to happen, but I wish we had the opportunity to go through more together. Because at the end of the day, you were one of the only people that could REALLY get me through a hard time. And I love you so so so much. Don't ever forget that I love you.

Love,

-Ardon

Dear Andralee Allen,

Hello. I don't want to leave you. The thing is, we're not together all the time, but I always feel for you. As we both know, we're the same person but I think we're connected deeper than just that. I would to be surprised if all of my bad days were your bad days too even if we didn't talk or see each other that day. Also, can we talk about how you are always there for other people but it seems like nobody is there for you. I know it doesn't mean much any more because I'll be gone soon, but I've always been here. You know I would listen and do anything to make you feel better. Because you would always listen to me. The trippy thing was that whenever you would try to make me feel better, it was always in the same way I make people feel better and it worked! You're really good at what you do and please don't stop being who you are because if you stopped then I couldn't die happy. Sweethearts has been, by far, my favorite dance I've been to. Not to say that any of the other dances I've been to haven't been amazing, but that one was so special. And to be honest, I didn't think it would be. Andralee, you just have to remember at the end of the day, you meant something to me and if you can remember that, then I'm happy. I'm good. Don't stop being who you are. Because I love you and I think you should love you too.

Love,

-Ardon